An Open Letter to the Hotel Staff

Note: What is below is what I usually consider a 'first draft' of my blogs. I spew a bunch of shit and then go back and cut and paste and edit and form it into what you usually read. But since Leah woke up from her nap, and I want to put this up so everyone can read about our hotel experience this weekend, I'll leave it as-is. Enjoy!


This past weekend we traveled to NJ to see some friends and family. I'd like to write an open letter to the staff of the hotel where we stayed. I usually change the name or at least attempt to in a cute and funny way...but I'm kinda pissed, so F it:


Dear Douche Baggy Bags of the Comfort Inn in East Brunswick, NJ:

I'd like to thank your wonderfully incompetent staff for an unforgetable visit to your hotel. Now, wait a minute. Before you go patting each other on the back on a job well done, you bunch of cumguzzlers, let me explain.

It's not 'unforgetable' as in "oh my goodness, I can't believe how great that was. I've never had customer service like that before in my life. Hark! Let me rave to all my friends! Please! Please! Everyone I know, go stay at this enchanted palace!"

No. It's more like "oh my goodness, what a bunch of fuck-ups. Can you believe the lack of intelligence of that sack of shit? Hark! Hey everyone I know, steer the fuck clear of these bumbling jackholes."

So you see, collective staff, my family arrived from Connecticut around 5pm this past Saturday. Since my beautiful princess of a daughter was napping, my wife went inside to check us in while I drove around the parking lot waiting for her. I ended up circling the lot umpteen times because you employ nincompoops at the front desk. She was the only one in there and it still took you guys about 8 minutes to check her in. According to her, the two of you snaggletooths stared at a computer screen for a few minutes silently.

Either you were baffled by the information on the screen or you were watching porn in front of a customer and diddling each other underneath the desk. Apparently you were surprised that a customer uses 'points' for a free night stay. You DO know that your employer offers this, don't you? If you can't handle it, please take this chamois cloth and go wash my car.

While my beautiful bride was checking us in, she requested from YOU, Mr. Dicknose behind the desk, a crib to be put in our room. What was your response? 'Sure' or 'no problem' or whatever you fuckin' monkeys were trained to say at your 'how to be an idiot' class that apparently you were required to attend.

We came back to your hotel slightly after 11pm. I'm going to repeat that, because it will be relevent in the next part: WE CAME BACK TO YOUR FUCKINGGGGG HOTEL SLIGHTLY AFTER 11 PEEEE EMMMMMMMUH.

Because your parking lot is slightly bigger than my ass-crack, we had to park on the opposite end of the building. Common sense (or at least successful hotels) would suggest to put a 2nd entrance to the hotel. But we weren't at a successful hotel, now were we?...No, we were at the (non) comfort-inn in East Brunswick, NJ. So we had to park on the opposite end of the building (Hey Allison, Shhhh. I know it was actually on the side, but it was the last possible spot on the side thus still being a far walk in the wind carrying 2 sleeping kids).

So as I just stated in a side-note that only my wife can read (right?), we carried the sleeping kids from the car to the front of the hotel and inside. Fortunately, our room was right off the lobby...and I mean, right off the lobby. It's the first door past the dining room. It can actually be considered still IN the lobby, it's that close. It's in clear view of everything IN the lobby. So, I get the keycard out of my pocket while holding Ian, and swipe it through.

Nothing. Oh dear God.

Try it again. Nada.

Again. Nope.

Motherfucker. Wait, let me stop here. I understand that these things need to be re-programmed every now and again. I'm cool with that. At this point in the night I just thought it was shitty luck. Now I know it was probably due to assholedness behind the desk.

So we both walk right back to the desk (sleeping kids still in arms) and with our quiet, inside-voices inform your staff (including Captain Dicknose that Allison dealt with before) that our key doesn't work.

At this point I would like to thank Captain Dicknose and Leutenant Bumblefuck for utilizing their observational skills. Oblivious to a sleeping 3 year old draped over my shoulder and a sleeping 10 month old in Allison's arms, you proceeded to use your boisterous outside voices to ask stupid-ass questions.

"oh, your key doesn't work? What room is that?"

The one you JUST saw us try to get into, you asshat! We were within eyesight and there was no one else in the lobby. I saw you watch us come in and go to our room! If you weren't busy cupping your friend's balls, you would have noticed us.

You then proceed to continue to use your "hey lets wake up the kids" voice and ask us 3 times our name, how its spelled and where we were from. Again, YOU WERE THE TWO NUMBNUTS THAT CHECKED US IN!

Anyway, congratulations. You did in fact wake up one of our kids. Fortunately Ian was pretty dazed and asked why we were at the dentist (WTF?) and just put his head back on my shoulder.

We trek back the 15 steps to our room while dummy one and dummy two re-insert their thumbs in their respective asses. We go in, and voila: No crib.

We put the kids down on the bed, and Ian pops up and sits on the edge. I'm pretty pissed at this point. Anyone who knows Ian will tell you that he is King Shitty Sleeper, or at least always has been. Dare I say now that he has taken a turn for the better...but history could rear its ugly head. But I digress.....

So I go back to the front desk and inform that fucking cocksucker that Allison talked to upon check-in that there was no crib in our room and that we requested one. His response? "We'll be there in two minutes".

Two minutes. Two minutes? TWO MINUTES? FUCK YOU AND YOUR TWO MINUTES. You had 6 motherfucking hours to put that (what ended up to be a) piece of shit crib in our room. TWO MINUTES? How about "Oh I'm so sorry sir, we'll be right over with it. I am a complete and totally useless imbicile and moron and have forgotten to take my head out of my ass this evening. Please forgive me for overdosing on my stupid pills this morning" Fuck you for blowing it off like that.

So this cocknocker wheels this crib into our room, leaves it in the center and says "if you need anything else, let me know" and walks the fuck away. HEY ASSHOLE, THANKS FOR HELPING ME SET UP THIS CRIB. YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE IN MY LIFE, BUT YOU DEAL WITH ON A REGULAR, IF NOT DAILY, BASIS? YEAH, THAT ONE, YOU FUCKIN JERKOFF.

I didn't say anything to him at the time because we needed to keep the room as quiet as possible if we wanted any chance of the kids staying/going back to sleep.

So Allison and I fumble with it and get it together with a dazed Ian watching us. It would be too simple if it ended there, right? No sheets. Again I go back to the desk and ask for sheets for the crib (and a blanket for Ian and his blow-up mattress). He goes in the little fucking back room cave there behind his desk and brings back sheets, then asks if I checked the drawers in our room for a blanket.

No, you dumb dick. I did NOT check the drawers in my room for a blanket. I did not do that because MY MOTHERFUCKING KIDS ARE SLEEPING (well, at least one of them was still sleeping. The other one was awake, thanks to you, you fuckin' rimjob).

He goes back to where he just was and gets a blanket. Two trips in the back room. Very efficient, you lumbering sorry sack of moose jism. As he hands it to me, he remarks that if I need any more that I should check the drawers.

I don't think I have ever wanted to shit down someones throat so bad in my life.

Fortunately thats about all the rediculousness/insanity for the night. Allison was able to transfer Leah to the crib, we were able to blow up Ian's mattress and get him back to sleep, and we were able to go to sleep.

By the way, clueless staff of the hotel, here are a few other things we experienced in the morning:

*No hot water for oatmeal at breakfast. We were told that someone else had already complained to you. Everyone was still waiting for hot water.

*Crappy coffee. Hey man, I take my coffee VERY seriously in the morning. DON'T fuck with my coffee.

*Shitty French Toast Sticks. Even my son wouldn't eat them.

*Plenty of stuff to make fresh waffles, but nothing to put on them. Way to go, kitchen staff!

*No sign identifying the foods. The cheerios you had were honey nut cheerios, not plain. Babies can't have honey, fuckwads.

*The breakfast you had served was Friday's breakfast...at least according to the menu you had posted on the wall. This was Sunday morning. Either you serve your customers two day old food or your cooks can't read. I'm sitting on the fence as far as deciding which was the case.

I was thinking Saturday night that I should complain to you. After all, how are you going to know that you're stupid unless I point it out to you...right? I mean, c'mon, after all, you ARE stupid! Well, I was too pissed off, so I decided to sleep on it.

Sunday morning I was still pissed off, but Ian was getting antsy and punchy so we kind of high-tailed it out of there to continue on to the next leg of our journey. You know how I let you know I was pissed? I didn't say 'thank you' or 'good morning' or even make eye contact with you upon checkout. As a matter of fact, I had my WIFE do it while I went and got the car. Yeah, take THAT bitches.

So in conclusion, management staff that is working hard at running a brand new hotel into the ground, your operation blows goats. Congratulations, I will not come back to your establishment. And I beg all 4 of my readers to consider the same!

Sincerely,

The Toddler Chasin', Diaper Changin' Maniac