Tales of a Toddler Chasin', Diaper Changin' Maniac

Shhhhhhhh, puppets are talking!

2010-08-20T20:06:00.007-04:00

I haven't been posting blogs here for a few reasons, mainly because Facebook is SO much quicker and easier (although you can't really put out the whole story there) plus I actually think I might be growing up a little! I have been feeling more mature and less vulgar and spiteful lately and haven't really felt the need/urge to let some of those verbal bombs off......until tonight. We had a little experience/incident today that has motivated me to dust off my little corner of the 'net and go off on someone.

So this is your fair warning: If you want to keep your thoughts about me positive and you hold me in any kind of regard whatsoever, please go to another site as I'm about to get REALLY negative.

5...
4...
3...
2...
1...

Ok, you've been warned:

A few days ago, Ian asked me what ventriloquism was. How it came up, I REALLY don't know..but I explained it to him about how it was somebody controlling a puppet, using their voice to make them talk and told him how cool it was. Sure as shit, the very next day I saw in the paper that a library in a neighboring town was having a ventriloquist/puppet show geared towards kids this week. I told him about it and he was really excited as we were JUST talking about it. So off we go, in our happy little world, to see a ventriloquist in the children's section of a library. JUST TO MAKE THAT CLEAR: We were going to see a puppet show in the CHILDREN'S SECTION of a library.

We arrive in the children's part of this particular library, which is a place I used to take Ian for story time and crafts when he was little. As expected, it was the same children's librarian that has been there for probably 30 years. I think her official title is "Fundamental And Topmost Bookkeeper In The Children's Headquarters" of the library. But as you can see that is WAY too long...so to keep it short (and for my amusement) I'll just refer to her from here on out by her acronym: the FAT BITCH of the libarary.

We walk in and there are probably 50 kids there eating dixie cups of free ice cream provided by the FAT BITCH. She sees & recognizes me, comes right up and says hello, asks me where we've been, why we haven't been going there, etc, and then gives the kids ice cream as she moves on. What a hostess! She makes sure that all the kids has some ice cream (this is key!)

After everyone has eaten their treats she takes the microphone and tells everyone to settle down and that the show is about to begin. The show starts and the ventriloquists first act involves an old lady puppet talking about the difficulty in naming her women's group from the town of Suffering Heights. Really? What the fuck? Like I said, there are like 50 kids in the audience, 95% of which are under 9 years old. This bit goes on for no less than 5 minutes, all the while the FAT BITCH is in the back cackling it up at the jokes.

The ventriloquist puts that mess away and begins talking about how she travels the world and has been asked to bring a new puppet when she goes to Romania later this year. I'm fucking lucky if Ian can find the right part of the toilet bowl when he takes a piss and she's talking about Romania...you think Romania is on these kids' radar??? Not only that, but she goes on to talk about this particular puppet...and then says "but you'll see her later. Right now you'll meet...." and starts talking about another puppet. Why fucking bring it up at that point in the show then?? Ugh. Sure enough, sitting there in the back is the FAT BITCH clapping and being all proud of herself for putting this shit-show together.

Ok, enough about the ventriloquist. Let's get to the meat and potatoes of this thing and talk about the stupid fucking FAT BITCH. Any parent worth their salt would not be surprised that after about 15 minutes of this crap some of the kids started getting antsy. Why? For those who don't have kids (or who may not be worth their weight in salt) A)a lot of this material was WAY over their heads, so they were bored and B)Theey were all fuckin' sugared up!

Some kids started wiggling around, some started talking to each other (or to themselves or even to no one in particular!), and some, heaven forbid, got bored and walked away. *GASP*! The HORROR! Well, FAT BITCH would have NONE of this! She started going around fucking shushing anything and anybody that wasn't perfectly still. Telling the kids to "settle down" and "pay attention to the show".

Twins less than a year old in a stroller behind us got an evil look. A one year old on my friend's shoulders who was talking to himself got the finger to the lips and a "SHHHHH" from the FAT BITCH. AND She even had the nuts to go up to kids who went off to the corner of the library to play (because they were bored) and shush them and told them to go back and sit down to watch the show! Really, lady? Really? How fucking engrossed in yourself are you?? You're that big of a fucking spotlight whore that you need everyone to suck in and suffer through this craptacular that you planned and put together? These kids (who were our friend's daughter and friend) did the right thing by getting up and walking away since they weren't interested...and you fucking drag them back into your arena?

And that's not even the worst of it! At the same time all of this was going on, Ian also got bored (the puppet was talking about the theory of relativity, or some other kid-friendly topic) so he asked if he could try to go and find Star Wars books. I figured there was no harm in that, since the other option was to have him sit there and be bored....and most likely cause a disturbance to those around him. So off he goes scanning the shelves QUIETLY for something that interests him.

Well, if you know Ian, you know he isn't the most coordinated kid around and tends to get tunnel vision when he's focused on something. As he was searching the back of the library for the books, he tripped on the power supply to the ventriloquists equipment and shut off her microphone. It was actually pretty damn comical: I was watching him and he was walking along the shelves not looking at the floor. All of a sudden you hear him go "oooph!", see him disappear behind the bookcases that were between us and then hear the ventriloquists mic go out. She turns around to see what happened and Ian pops up, looks around and just blurts out "Sorry...i'm just looking for Star Wars books!" Classic Ian!

Well, that really set FAT BITCH off! She goes up to him, grabs his hand and as she is leading him back she tells him that he shouldn't be looking at books while the show is going on.

She brings him back to me and I let her know it's not his fault, that I gave him permission to go look at books...she fucking tells me that he can't do that because the library is closed during performances!

YOU CRUSTY, OLD, IRRELEVANT GARGOYLE! In this day and age, you should be jumping for freaking JOY that they are there in your library! If these KIDS (your customers) stopped coming to the KIDS section of the library, your dinosaur ass would be unemployed! And lets be honest here, it's not like you're booking top talent on David Letterman.

And in case I haven't made it obvious, these are KIDS! They wouldn't even sit still and be quiet for a GOOD show....especially after eating ice cream that YOU gave them! Way to fucking set them up like that, you douchenozzle.

Don't get me wrong, I get it that there was a "performance" going on and she was trying to keep order. That's not lost on me. What I DON'T get is her high expectations in this instance: It was a free show for kids of all ages in a public building. If people had to pay for tickets, I'd get it. If it was advertised for kids "10 and up" or "appropriate for 4th graders and older" and I was the jackass that brought my 3 year old and 1st grader thinking they could handle it, no problem. But getting that worked up for what it was? I think it's time to put that FAT BITCH's cranky old ass out to pasture.

You know what, I take that back....I think it's time to put MY fat, cranky old ass out to pasture. Today some lady hushes kids during story time and I spend 3 hours writing a blog about it. FML.

Timing is everything

2010-08-20T12:21:00.002-04:00

We were at the store today and Leah saw bouquets of flowers for sale. Her eyes lit up, she gasped and said "ooooooooh flowers! How pretty! Daddy, we should buy them for mommy!"

I replied "That's a great idea, honey. I'm sure she would love it, but she is visiting her friends and won't be home for a few days...so she wouldn't see them while they are still fresh and pretty. So I don't think we're going to get them."

I shit you not, she didn't miss even half a beat when she came back with "well, we can get them for me then!" while giving me that "will-he-go-for-this?" look.

She had everyone within earshot in stiches. I have no problems saying no to her when she asks for things, and don't get rattled by her crying...but that was too damn funny and worth the money. (Don't worry honey, we were at Aldi's so it's not going to break the bank!)

The thing is...I'm not sure if I'm seriously amused or seriously embarrassed by the fact that I have NO flippin' idea where we keep the flower vases in our house. I've been looking for 10 minutes and still can't find them. Huh....maybe that means Allison should get flowers more often.

...or we need to keep the vases in a more obvious place.

Paddy O' Clause

2010-03-18T19:51:00.002-04:00

Yesterday morning (on St. Patrick's Day) Ian woke up at the butt-crack of dawn and immediately began searching for gold that a leprechaun supposedly left for him.

WTF?

Allison and I both kind of laughed it off, not sure what he was talking about. After school he was the first one off the bus and immediately wanted to run home. Usually Mr. Social likes to hang around and play at the stop, but NOOOOO, not this day. He grabbed my hand and wanted to make a beeline for the house. His reason? "I just KNOW that a leprechaun left me something at home. I just haven't found it yet! All I found this morning was our normal old stuff, nothing new. You need to help me look harder!"

Double WTF??

Ian insisted that everybody else in his school got something from a leprechaun that visited their house overnight. Some kids got toys, some kids got candy, and some got money. He just KNEW that the leprechaun wouldn't forget him. I asked the older sister of another boy who is in Ian's class, and sure enough, he got stuff. She said it was a family tradition, for them to wake up to find stuff.

I have NEVER heard of this before. And lets just say that Ian didn't take to it kindly when I told him I was pretty sure there was nothing new for him to find at our house. Ian ran ahead during the walk home from the bus stop so I gave Allison a quick call to tell her about the recent "tragedy" of an oompa-loompa looking mo' fo' forgetting to indulge our kids with needless gifts.

We both agreed that we weren't going to feed into this. With Christmas, Easter, and the tooth fairy....where do you draw the line? What, is a groundhog going to leave presents in February? Will gift cards to your favorite toy store magically appear in trees on Arbor Day? Don't even get me started as to what could happen on Flag Day!

I guess that makes us the meanest parents in the world. Or as Ian says, the worstest parents. Oh well.

I promised that I'd write here more often, so there ya go!

Coming soon will be my shameless begging asking for support for a good cause...my facebook friends know what I'm talking about!!

Until then, beware creepy green midgets offering presents. They've gotta be up to no good!

Mmmmmm, spam!

2010-03-09T07:39:00.002-05:00

WTF is with all the spam in the comment section?? Maybe that's a sign for me to blog more!!!

Sorry I've been horrible with this, as Facebook has seem to have taken over for my outlet of observations. There I let them out a little at a time as opposed to blogging about them in depth here. I DID start a new post about a month ago, but never posted it as I wasn't thrilled with the way it went.

I have a ton to say (but not a whole lot of time to say it) and will get back to posting here. Deal?

Perspective

2009-11-24T22:14:00.003-05:00

This morning, for some reason or another, Ian woke up in a rotten mood. He was angry at the world, demanded things left and right and was just downright foul. Someone had definitely pissed in his cheerios. I wrote a comment about it on my Facebook page, something about him sneaking out in the middle of the night and going shopping at the Jerk Store.

Thankfully his mood changed and we were able to have a decent morning together while Leah was in school. In that time we went to the grocery store, and while there I saw that a whole entourage of corporate honchos decended upon the store. They walked in and were milling around the front door just waiting for an underling to acknowledge their presence and come greet them. And I'll tell you, the 'underling' that greeted them looked nervous as all hell.

These guys had an air about them that just amazed me. They walked over to the fresh green beans and patted them down, shuffled them and stuck their arm deep into the container. They marveled over the cardboard display of the oranges and how it was a great thing and how it was really sturdy and evolutionary. (dude, it's fucking cardboard!)

Blackberries firmly attached to their hips, these guys were cornering the local workers 3 to 1 and grilling them about......I don't know, grocery store things. I DO know that these employees did NOT look happy that the suits were there.

Apparently the boardroom team broke up into divisions because they dispearsed throughout the store tackling different objectives. As I stated on my Facebook page, I overheard one greasy looking guy on his blackberry in the coffee aisle threatening someone's job. What is so important about Folgers coffee that is worth axing someone?? The hell if I know. Another guy was marching up and down the dairy aisle checking out all the yoplaits, gogurts, chobani and whatever else there was to leer at.

When I was done with my shopping and was out in the parking lot, I asked the 'cart guy' about this whole thing. He didn't know what was up and said that he's never seen that many corporate people there at once.

The purpose of this isn't to pit workers vs. management or paint the local grocery store as the victim. Honestly, I've grown to emphatically not like this particular store, but went there today because their 'kids club' (where you can drop off your kids while you shop) was open whereas the one at the other store I usually go to was closed. As far as I know this store is a health hazard waiting to be exploited, and the management team was there to save the public's health.

What I DO know is that I'm SO thankful I'm not in that world. You know what i did after I left the grocery store? Ian and I killed some time by singing songs in the car and playing games. We picked Leah up from school and came home for lunch before playing football out in the yard while waiting for the bus to bring Ian to school. Granted, it was a very abbreviated version of football since I feel like shit right now, but you get the picture!

After the bus took Ian away to school I brought Leah inside, read a book to her, and tucked her in for a nap. I then made my way downstairs and crashed on the couch for a much needed 2 hour nap myself.

As much as I'll complain or joke about Ian's terrible behavior (okay, to be fair I'll say the 'kids' behavior....but c'mon, how often do I complain about Leah??) I always try to keep in mind what I left behind and how happy I am NOT a part of that anymore.

Nope, my world doesn't suck at all, and for that I am Thankful!

Stupid Habit

2009-11-03T20:41:00.005-05:00

I have lots of stupid habits, most of which are non-sensical.

For example, whenever I go food shopping I put the eggs in the front seat. This separates them from the rest of the groceries and keeps anything from falling on them and squishing them on the ride home. In my crazy mind, this is logical.

The flaw of this practice came to light today when a stupid-assed fisher cat ran in front of my car. Trying to avoid creaming the dipshit, I jammed on my brakes. This in turn sent 2 dozen eggs flying into the floorboard of the passenger side of the vehicle.

Fortunately (or not) I went shopping at BJs today, so all the eggs are wrapped together in celophane. I'm guessing that is why I didn't find liquified chicks splattered all over the place. I didn't detect any breakage while carrying them into the house, but I guess I'll find out when I open the package.

I can tell you one thing for certain: The next four legged fuckface to jump in front of my car won't hear tires squealing in an attempt to stop.

Knuckle Patch

2009-10-01T12:40:00.002-04:00

What you just thought was my sentiments exactly: WTF is 'knuckle patch'???

Ian and I were playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" this morning and a few minutes into the game he pulled this move: He throws his hand out, turned his palm up, spread his finger apart (bent at the knuckles) and called "knuckle patch".

(dramatic pause, because I know all of you are actually doing the hand gesture to see what I'm describing...go ahead, don't be ashamed. No one is watching).

Ok, now that you have a visual, I exclaimed "What is a knuckle patch????" Ian proceeds to tell me that it is like rock, paper or scissors, but it can beat anything.

Wait, what?

I started to question Ian about this new, fandangled "knuckle patch":

Me: When can you throw a knuckle patch?
Ian: anytime.

Me: You can throw a knuckle patch anytime in the game?
Ian: Yeah, except for the first hand. You can't do it the first time, but anytime after that you can.

Me: And knuckle patch will always beat everything else?
Ian: Yeah.

Me: And nothing can ever beat knuckle patch?
Ian: No dad! (getting all pissy)

Me(all annoyed): So what is the point????

Yes, I actually asked Ian in an annoyed tone of voice what the purpose of a 'knuckle patch' was. *sigh*. I made sure he knew I wasn't annoyed at him, but then we started discussing the stupidity of knuckle patch. C'mon, seriously: Why not just throw knuckle patch every single time? Well, I bet if you had arthritis it would hard to do repeatedly, but I'm assuming that kids playing rock, paper, scissors, knuckle patch don't have joint problems.

Since I had no where to go, I decided to dig a little deeper into this. As it turns out, Ian plays this game on the bus coming home from school and that his friend 'Lucas' taught him this faulty version. I don't know 'Lucas', but someone needs to have a sit down with him and get to the bottom of these shenanigans.

I consider myself to be pretty liberal and I think change can be a great thing, but there are some things that you just don't mess with.

-------------------------------

Okay, now that THAT is out of the way let's talk about the big elephant in the room: Where the hell have you guys been? I've been looking all over for you and couldn't...seem to....find...you..No? Bah, I tried. I know, I know, it's been SOO long since I've blogged. Let's see, what has happened since June?

Oh, I know!:

*We moved!!
*I took an awesome hiking/camping trip with some great friends to the White Mountains in NH (my new favorite place to go!)
*Ian learned how to swim
*Ian started kindergaren
*Ian is learning how to read
*Leah became potty trained (for the most part)
*Leah started preschool
*Leah started a 'creative dance' class
*I accepted a new role at our church (Sunday School Superintendent)
*I am back in school (working on completing prerequisite classes so I can apply to Nursing School)
*and I'm sure there is a bunch of other crap.

So needless to say it has been a crazy and hectic summer/beginning of the school year. I honestly believe that, as an adult, I've never been as busy as I am now.

But you know what? I'll go one step further: I honestly believe that, as an adult, I've never been happier than I am now. Life is just awesome right now: We're in a great home, the kids are...well, they have their moments, but they are at a fun age right now, I'm doing things that I enjoy and am working towards something, Allison didn't high tail it out of here after our 9 year anniversary, you know, lots of good things!

I've been holding off on updating this thing because I was waiting for something funnier than the day at the movie theater. You know what, I could be waiting a long time! Although I particularly enjoy a website that has recently surfaced in the news. It really makes me want to scrap my plans to apply to Nursing School and just be an employee at Wal-Mart. If you haven't done so yet, check out peopleofwalmart.com. Imagine the fodder I'd have people watching there!!!

I'll try to update this more often, I promise.

Dropcorn

2009-06-10T10:09:00.002-04:00

We're staying at my in-laws while we're in between houses so the kids and I went down to PA to visit my brother and his family for a few days. It was a good opportunity to change environments for awhile as well as get in a good visit with them.

Anyway, yesterday before we came home Erin (my sister in law) and I took all the kids to see "Up". We got drinks and a big bag of popcorn for everyone to share. Erin sat on one end, I on the other, and the 4 kids in between. Right as the movie was beginning a gaggle of people came in and filed into the row in front of us. It seeemd to be a bunch of 11-ish year old boys and some women.

As the movie starts we keep passing the bag of popcorn around and give each kid a handful on a napkin in their lap..but since it's 4 kids who are 5 or younger, more ends up on the floor than in their mouths.

About halfway through the movie I notice a lot of movement from the row in front of us, in front of Erin. It was a good movie, so I was trying to pay attention to it, but all this movement kept catching the corner of my eye. I look over at Erin (since it was in front of her) and she is trying her hardest to control her laughter. She looks at me and points to the boy sitting in front of her.

So I start watching him and he promptly turns halfway around, reaches back and grabs a handful of popcorn that had fallen on the floor by our kids' feet and begins to eat it! It was really dark in the theater so maybe that's not what happened, I reasoned to myself.

I keep watching the kid and sure as shit he does it again! I looked at Erin who was already looking at me and we both just burst out laughing. It's not like this kid was even trying to make it a covert operation...he was blatently reaching behind him and grabbing this popcorn off the floor. Erin and I tried our hardest to not be loud about our laughter, but we couldn't help it. Fortunately it was a funny movie.

There was only a finite amount of popcorn on the floor, so soon enough the kid had eaten everything within his reach. He kept looking back to see if he had gotten it all, so obviously he was still hungry. I felt bad, so I grabbed a handful of popcorn and tossed it on the floor in front of the kids. Without skipping a beat the kid reached back and swooped it up!! I couldn't control myself, i was laughing so hard. I felt like I was feeding pigeons in the park! I knew it was wrong to play into this, but it was too damn funny.

Seeing this go on gave me mixed feelings of emotions: On the one hand I was happy that we decided to go to that particular showing of that particular movie on that particular day so that I could witness that. But it also made me sad to think of how much other funny stuff is happening out there that I'm NOT seeing.

I can't wait to see what happens when I go to Lowe's later on today!!!

Short, Sweet and ready to kick your ass.

2009-05-05T18:56:00.005-04:00

Don't let Leah's looks fool you. This girl is all sweetness and light when she gets her way...but if she doesn't? She is ready to throw down. Her newest fashion accessory is the proof that's in the pudding.

If you don't know what they are, here is a closer picture:

If you STILL don't know what they are, then homie we best not meet up in a dark alley. You roll with your crew on that side of the tracks, and we'll roll like we do here in T'land.

Peace out....and watch your back, 'cause Leah's got a chip on her shoulder and ready to take it out on the next sucka that crosses her.

Cockologist

2009-04-15T09:26:00.002-04:00

Well, ladies and gentlemen, Leah has decided what she would like to be. She declared to me yesterday that she wants to be a penis. Yes, that's right, she wants to be a penis. I'm just as flabbergasted as you, if not more. Here is how the conversation went (as I was changing her):

Leah: I want to be a penis!

Me: No honey, you're a girl. Girls don't have a penis.

Leah: No, Daddy. I want to BE a penis.

Me: Uh. Leah, I think you mean that you want to HAVE a penis.

Leah: No, Daddy. I don't want to HAVE a penis, I want to BE a penis.

Me: Let me get this straight: You want to BE a penis? You don't want to HAVE a penis, you want to BE a penis?

Leah: YES DADDY! (she said all sarcastic and annoyed like I was the crazy one) I want to be a penis!!!

Me: Ok, fine. You're a penis. Leah, you are a very, very weird penis.

Way to reach for the stars, honey.

And on a completely unrelated note, this morning I discovered my first gray hairs. Gee I wonder where they came from.

Misleading Title

2009-03-17T19:33:00.006-04:00

Thank you Peter Griffin, Mr. Family Guy, for my son's newest favorite phrase. Last week we were getting the kids ready to put pajamas on and Ian runs down the hallway, sees Leah and lets out with enthusiasm "Holy Crap!".

I was flabbergasted, as it wasn't from me. I never say 'crap'. I'll either completely sensor myself with "Holy Toledo!" or not at all and let the full "Holy Shit!" fly, but never a half-assed attempt with "Hoy Crap!". I mean c'mon, that's amateur hour.

I immediately asked Ian where he got it from and he said "Spongebob". I despise that show, so immediately banned it from the house...as I did that, I looked over at Allison who shook her head. Apparently she was in the know as to the source and it wasn't Mr. Squarepants.

She said as I was making dinner she turned on the TV and "Family Guy" was on and within a minute Peter blurted out the phrase. Sweet.

And to think, I had been not allowing Ian to see the show in case one of the chicken fight scenes came on. You know, I didn't want him to be impressionable and pick up any bad habits.

I thought maybe it would have just gone by the wayside, but Ian pulled it out today at the playground. I was pushing both him and Leah on the swings and I really got him swinging high. Picture the moment: The sun was shining, the kids were laughing, the breeze was blowing and apparently the crap was holying. Ian let a out a "WHOA! HOLY CRAP!". Fortunately Little Miss Parrot was in her own little world and didn't hear him. She was too busy repeating to me the fact that her shadow wasn't smiling. Don't ask, I haven't a clue.

In an odd way, I guess it evens out as I learned my new favorite phrase from a 10 year old. I have yet to utilize it, but hearing a kid blurt out to Allison calling her a 'fun-sucker' was one of the funniest things ever. Even if it was in jest, it still gets me laughing. So Karen, make sure you thank your kids for me. That is keeping me entertained 6 weeks later!

Honestly, this "holy crap" thing isn't a big deal. This is PEANUTS compared to the F-bomb deluge we got 2 summers ago. I wrote a blog about that, if you haven't read it (or heard the story before). Just over on the right there, click on 2007 and scroll down to July 3rd. It's called "Duck & Cover".

My Cryptonite

2009-02-24T22:15:00.006-05:00

Not a whole lot of things phase me. Looking back, I've:

Eaten some pretty messed up things, like:
*A hot dog with 'the works' previously chewed up by somebody else.
*2 cans of cat food piled on a slice of homemade bread.
*Allison's cooking.

I've been certified as an EMT for nearly 12 years and have seen some gnarly wounds, performed CPR numerous times (once in a helicopter) and reguarly go to calls to nursing homes. The elderly don't exactly smell like a field of wildflowers, you know.

I've witnessed the birth of my two children, and being a stay-at-home dad for closing in on 5 years now I consider myself a pretty 'seasoned' father.

But this morning...oy veh. I bore witness to something that made my knees buckle. Hell, I didn't even SEE it and it made my head spin.

I don't know what crawled up her ass and died, but Leah's poop this morning seriously made me gag. Yes, I actually gagged. No joke, I couldn't even stay in the room.

Have you ever watched 'Fear Factor'? If you have, you know the scene: The petite woman in the dark cave is about to have something awful happen to her (like monstrous tarantulas crawl all over her face) in order to advance to the next round. She's all nervous, but dons the safety goggles anyway. She's about to do the stunt, but at the last second just breaks down and heads for the hills sobbing: "No! No! Nuh uh! No way! I'm not doing it! I don't care, keep your money! WAAAAAAH"

Yeah, that was SO me. I was that petite woman this morning.

Lady luck was on my side though as it happened before Allison left for work. I actually went upstairs and sent her down to deal with it. That's right! I shirked my parental responsibilities and pawned them off on someone else.

I was upstairs doing my best to not hurl and began wondering if I had over-reacted. This is my daughter after all. Could it be possible I was just being a wuss-bag? I headed for the stairs to go back down there, and BAM! I got smacked in the face with that stench before even REACHING the stairs. Nope, I definitely wasn't being a wuss about the whole thing.

So I retreated back and then headed back down a few minutes later clearing the madness ahead of me with a can of febreeze. Allison claimed she couldn't smell it (she's sick) but said it was definitely grown-up poop that came out of a toddler.

Ugh. If that didn't just make you a little queasy, you are inhuman.

Leah, I love you....I really do. But baby, light a match, will ya?

2 kids for sale

2009-02-12T12:45:00.008-05:00

Come one, come all! Have a look at 2 items up for sale, both items going to the highest bidder(s).

UNIT 1 - Description
---------------------
Male, aged approximately 4.5 years. Partially potty-trained, fully pompous.

Likes: to run around play-fighting, wrestling, and being physically active. Completely self-reliant & independent and will remind you on an hourly basis. Has no problem barking out orders or hatching mischievous plans. He likes to play games, especially ones that he creates such as 'who can hit the hardest'. Loves playing this game with his sister or girls in his school who he finds out are older than him. Has a special affinity for pushing people's buttons, particularly his sister's. Can be cuddly and affectionate, but usually comes with strings attached.

Dislikes: Harmony. Also dislikes taking direction from anybody at any time. He dislikes change and will fight it tooth and nail. Throws impressive tantrums when faced with change. Dislikes not getting his way and will sabotage any subsequent things that come after he realizes he won't get his way. Severe dislike, even almost allergy-like, to playing by himself. Self entertainment is a completely foreign concept.

This unit may or may not rest well at night, and would be best suited in an environment without older or younger siblings. Parental units who enjoy verbal abuse welcomed to bid. *DISCLOSURE* This unit tends to behave well in public and can be polite, it's the home environment that's a doozy.

UNIT 2 - DESCRIPTION
--------------------

Female, aged approximately 2 years. Completely unpotty-trained & full-blooded chatterbox.

Likes: Talking. Repeats phrases ad-nauseum, even after acknowledgment. Will yammer on for hours, no batteries needed. Fluent in non-sequitur phrasings. Also likes to completely disobey and test boundaries. Particularly enjoys pissing her brother off and bonking his head with sippy cup. Loves to parrot other people, without understanding what she's saying. Also loves to show her artistic creativity, especially on anything OTHER than generally accepted art mediums.

Dislikes: Silence. Also getting hair brushed.

This unit loves to show affection, and has no problem saying 'I love you' to you, as well as to the inanimate object next to you. She would do particularly well in an environment with other young female child units, or with those who are deaf.

These two units don't mesh well, so will be sold separately. Sale goes to the highest or initial bidder, whichever comes first.

Will ship for free. However due to the economy, packages may arrive separately. Re-assembly is responsibility of new owner.

---------------------------------------------------

Obviously I won't sell my children, as that is illegal. Anyone who is interested in bartering though, please contact me.

How is YOUR week going?

Cool Pictures

2009-02-03T20:36:00.005-05:00

The kids found some glow sticks today and we were goofing around with them in Ian's room. I don't know how they'll look with the black background on the black blog....but I'll post them anyway!

The exact time.....

2009-01-29T17:12:00.004-05:00

Thanks to the link that PG gave in his comment to yesterdays post, the exact time until Ian turns 18 is:

4860 days

Or 13 years, 3 months, 22 days.
Alternative time units:

* 419,904,000 seconds
* 6,998,400 minutes
* 116,640 hours
* 694 weeks (rounded down)

Not like he needs any more help, but knowing all that info would make Ian shit his pants!

Thanks for the website PG!

4,927 Days

2009-01-28T20:04:00.009-05:00

That is the answer to Ian's bizarre question today. Silly me at first replied with a general answer...you would think I knew my son better and where this was going to end up. This is how our conversation went while I was getting lunch ready:

Ian: How many days is it until I'm a grown-up?

Me: You're officially a grown-up when you turn 18 years old, bud.

Ian: How many days is that.

Lazy me: A lot. You see, you're 4 and a half now, right? Well after you turn 4 you turn...how old?

Ian: 5.

Me: Right and after you turn 5 you turn.......

Ian: 6.

Teacher Me: Right. And then you keep going through the numbers..after 6 is? (...we went through to 18).

Ian: Okay...so how many days is that? A hundred?

Me: More than that, bud...way more.

Ian: A million?

Me: Iiiiii don't think it's that many. No, definitely not a million.

Ian: 85?

Perplexed Me: Uh, no. 85 is less than a hundred, so it's more than 85. (Jackass me trying to apply logic with him to an earlier guess of his)

Ian: One thousand-hundred-fourteen-two-eight? (exactly how he said it)

Frustrated Me: You know what, Ian? I'm going to tell you exactly how many days it is until you're officially a grown-up.

Rain Man Me 20 seconds later: 4,927 days, Ian. Yeeeah. 4,927 days until you turn 18 and are officially a grown-up.

Ian: Oh. That's a lot of days.

Spent me: Yes it is. Here's your lunch.

~I didn't want to pull some 'random' number out of my ass (although one thousand-hundred-fourteen-two-eight probably would have done it), so I used the calculator function on my cell phone: 13.5 years x 365 days = approximately how many days until he turns 18.

And in case you couldn't get a feel for him by this little conversation we had: He has an absolute need for concrete numbers and guesses are the work of the devil. Everything is black and white and yes or no. God forbid if you throw in a 'maybe', 'sometimes' or 'kind of like that'.

So if any of you DARE bring up leap years and the fact that he's currently not exactly 4.5 years old, thus throwing the true number of days off...and leaving me to deal with the aftermath of his questions and demands for another more accurate number, I will hunt your ass down.

That reminds me. Ian comes up with questions like this all the time. I should just post them here so you can understand some of these odd things I get asked and conversations I get roped into.

Mardi the dog

2009-01-19T19:50:00.003-05:00

This past weekend our neighbors asked if we could watch their dog for them while they went away. Our kids LOVE playing with the dog (as well as the kids in their family!), and during the warmer months this family tends to host impromptu play dates in their yard, so we agreed without any hesitation.

They said they were leaving about 9am Saturday and would come back about 3pm Sunday. Sure enough they dropped off the 1yr old puppy named Mardi (she was borne in Louisiana) right at 9am.

Holy freaking excitement in our house! As soon as the leash came off she started running like a bat out of hell throughout the whole house! She was SOOO excited to be in a different place and so she just ran around aimlessly at full tilt:

Our neighbor brought over a portable crate as a place for Mardi to sleep. He warned me that she has yet to spend a night in it, and that she probably wouldn't go willingly.

Um, we quickly found two other creatures that were willing to see what the crate was all about:

We also found out that one of her favorite things is to play 'tug of war' with her doggie rope. I've always loved playing that with dogs, so needless to say that was a huge hit in our house:

Ian liked playing Tug of War, but Mardi is a strong pup and could drag Ian around the carpet if he held on long enough. But since he really couldn't, and Mardi would win out every single time, it quickly turned into a game of 'keep away':

We were told that Mardi is a definite mooch in the kitchen and won't touch the food in her bowl until she was SURE that she wouldn't get any food from people. Looking as cute as she did, I see how she adopted that technique...she was hard to resist!:

Around 1:30 Leah went down for her nap, so it started to calm down in the house. Mardi was banished to the basement where we kept it chill so as not to wake up Babycakes. Mardi layed down too and took a power nap herself. Ian was afraid that she would get cold:

And yes, she really was sleeping!:

After Allison got home from work we put Mardi in her crate and went out and ran some errands. She didn't put up a fuss at ALL about going in, so that made it easy to leave, as we didn't have to hear her barking as we walked out of the house.

We got home a few hours later and I took her for a short walk around our yard so I could be back in time to put the kids to bed. Then after they were down, Mardi and I went for a walk around the block. I quickly discovered that she actually liked to run...so we ran the majority of it, except for when she stopped dead in her tracks to sniff the property of those houses with dogs.

We got back and she just kind of plopped down in front of the fire while I chilled and watched a movie:

Again, no protests going into her crate for the night.

Sunday was more of the same: Playing, running, playing, running, etc. until our neighbors came to pick her up.

It was a lot of fun to have her for the short duration, but I think it shows that we're probably not ready for a dog at this point in our life. I think we need to wait until we're in a bigger house and the kids are older.

There is nothing definitive going on with the house, so I'll hold off on reporting on that.

Until next time, don't forget the courtesy flush.

Today's exercise

2009-01-06T16:27:00.002-05:00

The kids were going stir-crazy so we got our jackets on and went for a walk in the neighborhood.

Before long Ian took off like a bat out of hell running down the street.
He was laughing and giggling, so I scooped up Leah and took off after him. She LOVED it and started flapping her arms saying 'I'm a bird! I'm a bird! Tweet tweet tweet!!!"

We would run about 100 yards, then do 'ring around the rosey', but we replaced the end from 'we all fall down' to 'we all start to RUN' (screaming RUN) and then we took off sprinting again.

It was a lot of fun, a good energy-releaser and got the blood flowing to my sore quads from last nights run!

Here is a pic about halfway around the block:

2009-01-05T22:17:00.005-05:00

I treated the end of 2008 like many other people I know: I heartily flipped it off, bid it a 'good riddance' and kicked it's ass out the door. I thought that stinkin' year would never end. Now that it's over, it's time to shed the skin and start anew.

After a several-month layoff I've dusted off my running shoes and will begin using them for their intended purpose rather than just having people gawk at their sheer size.

I love running and the quiet and alone time that comes with it, so to ensure that I get some quality 'me' time, and lots of it, I signed up for 2 half marathons in 2009. Both are in CT, one is in April and one is in October. I am open to running more, hopefully in between those two to keep me going through the summer. I saw one advertised just today for one in June...so I may sign up for that one too.

All this is ramping up for my goal of running two full marathons in 2010. I'd like to run Boston in April via a charity (since I'm a goofy looking slowpoke who couldn't qualify for Boston if my life depended on it) and then the Honolulu Marathon in December when we go there to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. So if I get into Boston with a charity, be prepared to be hit up by me for money. A lot.

Tonight was my first run, which I actually attempted this morning. I got up at 4:30 to hit the pavement, but found our driveway covered in a sheet of ice. Let's just say it didn't go so well.

Picture Brian Boitano in the height of his career, skating gracefully and flawlessly to his Gold medal win in the '88 Olympics. Got it? Now add about 50 lbs around the gut and a foot in height. Oh yeah, and take away any athletic prowess whatsoever. That was me this morning. It was about as far away from the Tano Triple Lutz as you could get. In fact, I would call it the 'Don you fat putz'. I nearly broke my neck as i quite embarrassingly slid across the driveway flapping my gangly arms like a spastic freakishly-tall penguin.

I made another attempt at it tonight and it went much more smoothly. I completed 2 miles without any problems but am glad to get that first run over with, as it's always the hardest one. I can't believe that just one year ago I had completed a marathon, yet here I am tonight with tired legs after a mere 2 mile slog. But I will be able to get those longer distances back under my belt in no time and will soon enough be able to do them again without much of an effort. I really am looking forward to my future runs.

To avoid running the risk of revocation of my man-card, I need to clarify that I had to Google "famous male figure skaters" to come up with Brian Boitano's name. I haven't the foggiest about anything relating to ice skating...I could have easily put in Christopher Bowman's name in there, as he was "Bowman the Showman"...but he wasn't made fun of mercilessly on South Park.

-------------------------------------------

Not only has our family gotten over the death of Aloe our fish, but we have replaced his place in our lives with a, well, an alive fish. Just a few days later the kids and I went to Petco and picked up another betta. He's a blue and black fellow that goes by the name of...are you ready for this?.....'Sank'. No shit, that's his name. Ian thought up that name all by himself and it still makes me laugh several weeks later. Hopefully he'll fare better than Aloe did.

------------------------------------------

Christmas has come and gone and we're happy about it. Although the holidays are a fun time, and we had a BLAST, it's good to get back to normalcy. Don't get me wrong, we loved all the places we went to and people we saw. But Ian got, shall we say "jaded". We'd go to a party or even just somewhere there was Christmas decorations and he'd expect presents. Or he'd see a box wrapped up and ask if it was for him. And God forbid he saw pressents that he knew was for him: he'd pester the shit out of us or the gift-giver until he could open it. And then if it was something he didn't specifically want he wouldn't hide his disappointment.

I know it can be chalked off as typical 4 yr old behavior, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept or any less uncomfortable when he acts that ungracious in front of someone who took the time and energy to get something for him.

----------------------------------------

We just got back from a visit with my brother and sister in law and their family. We took the train to PA as our kids suck in the car and we figured it would make for a happier event if they weren't lashed to their carseats.

This proved to be worth it as there were several trips to the cafe car and bathroom. It was a 4.5hr ride down there and the kids got sick of the train at about the 4 hr,10min mark so it was perfect timing. It took a lot longer on the way home, but it was mostly due to planned delays. The kids were much crankier and less tolerant of the train, so it was more painful...but I still think it was a good way to travel.

We had a fun time while we were down there. Ian and Leah got to spend lots of quality time with their cousins Paige & Shane and everyone got along surprisingly well! There were only a few major meltdowns, but for being together for nearly 6 whole days in a row without much separation I'd call that a success!

Ian has already found a new furry best friend. At Paige & Shane's house is a 3 month old kitten named "Midnight". This is the most tolerant, laid back cat you ever saw....Ian spent the majority of his day chasing that cat down and carrying him around. He DESPERATELY wants to get a new cat, preferably that one. He asked for one for his birthday, so we have quite awhile to decide if that's something we want to do. Although maybe we'd be better off getting Sank a playmate.

----------------------------------

I have more to tell but nothing earth shattering and it's entirely too late, so this is where I end it.

Until next time, don't forget to put on clean underwear.

RIP Aloe

2008-12-13T19:14:00.005-05:00

Let's bow our heads to remember Aloe, our beloved Betta fish. Aloe was a good fish, a part of our family, who entertained us for so...Ok, screw that. Who am I kidding? That stupid little asshole fish finally went to the great sashimi in the sky.

For those who hadn't read it, or who just don't recall, I blogged about this problematic fish before. He was all well and good for awhile, but then he started floating on his side. Rather than re-hash it here, just look at my blog from January 12, 2008. Better yet, follow this link: http://ctsahd.blogspot.com/2008_01_01_archive.html

Well anyway, we had a bunch of Ian's classmates over Friday after school. One of the parents commented that she thought our fish was dead, but I explained the whole story and assured her (and the other parents) that it was typical behavior and he was fine.

Well, let me tell you! We woke up this morning and as we were eating breakfast Ian says "Hey! Where's Aloe? I can't see him in the bowl." I go over and find Aloe completely vertical with his head down in the rocks. I gave a good tap on the side and he flinched...a little. Poor little guy as either that was his last breath or just his fishy muscles finishing up spasming because there wasn't any more movement out of him.

Of course I get the whole barrage of questions/comments: Is Aloe sick? What makes fish feel better? What kind of doctors see fish? Can they take medicine? What will happen if he doesn't go back up to the top of the water so he can eat his food? And on and on and on and on. And on and on and on and on...you get the picture.

We left it at the conclusion that Aloe was very sick and didn't feel like eating and should probably rest for awhile. And off we went with our day.

Well, fast forward to this afternoon. I walked by Aloe's fishbowl and wouldn't you know it, he was in the very same position! Face squished against the rocks of his watery grave. Ian wasn't around, so I didn't say anything...and I just left him there in suspended animation as I wasn't quite sure how to handle it with Ian.

He is beginning to get a grip on the whole 'death' thing, but I wasn't quite sure if we should have a little ceremony for Aloe to give Ian closure, or if he'd want to help me bury him in the yard or give him to Ian and allow him to huck him into the woods...I don't know.

But tonight while Allison was reading a bedtime book to the kids I went into the kitchen to get a drink. I happened to look over and saw that cloudy-eyed fish just floating there in his bowl. I decided enough was enough and made an executive decision: Down the toilet he went. I then re-joined my family in Ian's room and listened to the end of the story and then tucked Ian into bed.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little like the gangsters you see in the movies who do some awful things (kill someone & dispense of their bodies) and then carry on with their families moments later like nothing ever happened. It was actually quite liberating & I think I may have found a new career for me once the kids are in school full-time.

I haven't yet decided what to do with Aloe's bowl. I could leave it out on the counter to let Ian find it and use it as a natural 'intro' into the talk involving Aloe, his demise and the whole life cycle thing. I could also just clean out the fish bowl and put it away and see how long it takes Ian to realize he isn't there. Since he's been thinking about it, it probably won't be long...but knowing his track record with Dupree, we could be talking months here. Anyone wanna place bets?

So adieu Aloe. May you find a happier, less bloated place wherever you end up beyond our home (and septic tank).
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Oh c'mon. You didn't think I'd let this end without pictures, did you? Yeah, that's right: I took pictures! In my defense, it was solely for this blog. I really hope Ian doesn't stumble across this when he's old enough to poke around the internet.

Rigor mortis:

Open Casket Ceremony

Gone, but not forgotten

From the mouths of babes

2008-12-10T13:01:00.003-05:00

Said by Leah, as I'm changing her diaper (while she's playing with a pair of kids' binoculars):

"Maybe I can use the binoculars to see my poop! hee hee! That's funny, dad!"

Potty humor rocks!

Ian's Letter to Santa

2008-12-04T13:24:00.002-05:00

Dear Santa:

My name is Ian and I have been a good boy this year. I help my sister walk up and down stairs all the time, I help her out of her crib and I play nice with other kids like C.J. and Kevin.

For Christmas I would like:
*Wall-E
*Star Wars movie to keep
*Bat Cave and all the stuff
*Bakugans
*Transformer that Derek has (the big Megatron that he got for staying in bed)
*The big Transformer I saw in Toys R Us - the one with the little transformer.

I like you Santa, you're the best.

Love,

Ian

Today is the day!

2008-11-17T08:52:00.003-05:00

Ian's cast comes off this afternoon! That is, assuming the x-ray shows that his leg has healed.

Rest easy that I will be at the ready with my cell phone to capture the look of his scaly, gnarly, stinky, atrophied leg...and rest even more assured that I will most definitely post a picture of it here!

Oh, I forgot to update you that I figured out and remedied the problem with our ceiling fan. I'm not as incompetent as I thought I was!

Home unimprovements

2008-10-29T13:14:00.007-04:00

I have had exactly one home improvement project go smoothly, as planned, without any goof ups. And that was the installation of a new toilet in the bathroom of our finished basement. This streak goes back to as far as us owning homes (we bought our first house a little over 8 years ago)...Hell, I'm sure I even goofed up projects in our apartments before then.

Well, the latest project that allowed me to show my incompetence was to troubleshoot why the ceiling fan in our dining room wasn't working. I installed the fixture probably over a year ago and shortly afterwards the fan stopped working (first exhibit of incompetence). The lights in the fixture worked fine, so there really was no rush to get around to fixing it.

Well, since wood-burning season is upon us I decided now was the time to have at it. My reasoning is if you operate the fan in reverse it'll help draw up the warm air from downstairs (where the wood stove insert is) and help heat upstairs. Yesterday was my mother-in-law's day to take the kids from me, so I decided to dedicate part of the day to troubleshooting the problem with the fan.

I disassemble the unit (after shutting off the breaker, of course!) and take a look. Lo and behold I figure out the problem right away. Apparently the wires were hanging down and were rubbing against the spinny thing that turns the paddles (can you tell the level of my knowledge of all things mechanical? That would be 2nd exhibit of incompetence).

The insulation on a couple of the wires were worn down and the wires themselves were exposed. This apparently shorted out the system. I wasn't sure if this was enough to fry the motor, so I decided to cut the affected wires short (I lopped off from the exposed part up to the tip), and re-connect them (using the wire nut, of course).

After I reconnected the wires I stuffed them all up above the bracket into the housing unit in the ceiling and put the housing back on the unit. Before re-attaching the paddles, I turned on the breaker and tested out the spinny thing. Hey, it worked!!! Woo hoo! I was even impressed with myself for thinking to test it before I put it all back together (hey, baby steps).

So I put the whole contraption back together, including the light covers and bulbs. I turn on the fan to admire my work, voila! I then flip the switch for the lights so I can clean up with an abundence of light shining over me. Annnnnnnd whattayaknow, lights aren't working. Damn it! So now I've tried every combonation of light chain pulling and dimmer switch position...those puppies just aren't working.

So let that be a warning to my friends: Never have me take the lead on any of your home improvement projects. I'll gladly help out, I love doing this stuff and learning...I just don't have the mental capacity for installing anything more advanced than an electric can opener. And between you and me, I've fucked up one of those too.

But as far as my current problem/project goes, if it didn't bug me so much to eat in the dark, I'd wait another year or so to get back around to it....but it does, so I won't. So fret not Allison, we'll have light in the dining room soon enough. Maybe next week. But until then, at least we'll be warm while eating in darkness.

Soggy Homes & Broken Bones

2008-10-14T20:35:00.017-04:00

Imagine the suckiest weekend you've ever had. Got it? Yeah, this last weekend ranks up there with yours. In fact, if we had a weekend 'suck-off' I'm not sure who would win. Wait. That just sounds so wrong and not the way I meant it to. I think it's best if we just move on.....

So Friday evening after dinner we were upstairs playing with the kids and for some reason I can't recall I went down to the basement (which is finished) and heard a dripping sound. I opened up the door that separates the boiler room from the rest of the finished basement and lo and behold there is standing water covering the floor. I just stood there for a second, mumbled an obscenity, shut the door and went upstairs as I just had no desire to deal with it at that exact moment.

Obviously I wasn't going to put it off, but the kids' bedtime was quickly approaching and it would be smarter to take care of it after they were asleep than to deal with the two rugrats wanting to help and splash the water all over our 8 week old rug (which by the way was already wet the first 12" past the door and wall).

We cleared out the room, sucked up the water with the wet/dry vac and called our oil company. The service guy was there in less than 45min and showed me the problem. He said he really couldn't do anything to fix it, as it could very well just make the problem worse. Allison and I had a little pow-wow and decided that we should just shut down the boiler and drain it out.

Well, that's not entirely true. There was no little pow-wow. As the guy was showing me what valves to turn, buttons to push and gauge limits to keep an eye on in case the drip worsened, Allison yelled from across the room to just shut it down and drain it out. Yep, she made the executive decision all by her lonesome. She knows better than to trust me to keep a watchful eye on valves, gauges and buttons! Our (Allison's) rationale was that since the weather was forcasted to be really warm, we'd be able to get by without heat or hot water so we (she) decided to just quit while we were ahead and turn it off.

So the service guy did that and all was well & good. So it was our intention to stay in the house until a new boiler was put in, but as you'll learn in the next part, that was not to be the case. But as far as the rest of the story that pertains to the boiler goes: I met the owner of the company at our house late Monday morning and he gave us an estimate to put in a new one, which they did on Tuesday.

We didn't want to go top of the line as we're intending to sell the house, but we didn't want to get something inappropriate for the house in case we're here longer than anticipated. Besides, it just wouldn't be right. So we are the proud owners of a 3 section cast-iron tankless boiler with an efficiency rating of 86.2%. Booyah.

We were considering a trip back to Disney either the end of November or beginning of December but dropping close to five large on this thing was the nail in that coffin. Good thing we didn't tell the kids our plans. Imagine their disappointment if we had told them, and then trying to get away with taking souvenier photos of them on top of the boiler and pretending it's the Dumbo ride. I think even Leah is old enough to know she was getting conned.

Probably the best part of this is that so far it doesn't look like we'll have to replace the rug in the basement. Only time will tell, but I think we're in the clear.

So that is Part A of the beginning of that Sucktober weekend.

Part B begins Saturday afternoon at a birthday party for one of Ian's friends. The party started at 1pm and Allison had some errands to run, so I took the kids to the party and she was to meet us there later.

As we pull up Ian spies the bounce house in the back yard. He gets all giddy and wants to unbuckle his seatbelt before we even stop the car. We go into the back yard and he makes a beeline for the bounce house, running by the birthday girl and her mom just kicking his shoes off and leaving a trail of shoes, socks & a sweatshirt.

Ian was in there pretty much the whole first two hours. I got him to come out for about 5 minutes for lunch, but he showed no interest in eating (his M.O. lately). He wanted to do whatever the bigger/older boys were doing and that usually meant jumping around in the bounce house.

Around 3:00 I left to take Leah home for a late, but much needed nap. Well, Allison called me around 4:30 and immediately I could hear Ian screaming. She told me that she said that he got hurt and was going directly to the local H-O-S-P-I-T-A-L, spelling it out so Ian didn't understand her. Yeah, that plan didn't work because he did and it freaked him out even more than he already was. (He said he didn't want to go, and wanted to go directly home, but of course Allison knew that something major was wrong).

I woke Leah up and met them at the hospital. When I got there, they were just wheeling Ian out of the triage room and he wasn't crying at the time but it looked like he had been....alot. And he began crying as soon as he saw me and asked for hugs.

We all went to the waiting room to wait to be called for x-rays and Ian zoned out in front of the TV before finally falling asleep. Here he is, after his body just shut down on him. Poor little guy, look how puffy his eyes are!:

After a little while Ian woke up and we were finally called in for x-rays. I recognized some of the ER nurses from bringing in patients on the ambulance so a few of them went out of their way to help out in the x ray room maneuvering Ian into position and helping to try to keep him as calm as possible. He still was crying, but it was more out of nervousness of being hurt further rather than pain from the movements. Every time he started crying I asked if it was because he was hurt or because he was scared, and more often than not he was scared.

At some point it was like a switch was flipped. He calmed down completely and got his 'personality' back. We moved him onto the stretcher, after the x-ray techs saw the break in Ian's bone, thinking it would be more comfortable than the wheelchair. Ian didn't object, because he looked mighty comfy once he finally layed down.

He was wheeled into a room in the ER and we began our wait for the orthopedist, who was on-call but not in the hospital. Allison's sister, Melissa, came and got Leah and brought her back to their parent's house which was nice. Now we could focus on Ian and not deal with Leah's antics. Yes, Leah does have antics.

After awhile Ian was able to really calm down and settle in and eventually he fell asleep. When the orthopedist (a PA in this case) finally came in, we tried to wake Ian up, but no dice. He told us that Ian fractured his tibia high up, right below the head of the bone. He said it didn't affect the growth plate (which is great, obviously), and that he'll be in a cast for 6-8 weeks (which is not so great, obviously).

Since the ER was so busy, and Ian was sacked out cold, the PA asked for Allison and my help in wrapping up Ian in a full leg cast. Oh, good job, Honey! No one can hold toes like you! The PA said that it was the first time a patient had been asleep the entire time. He has had people fall asleep, but not be asleep when he got there and asleep when he left. Yeah, waking up at 5am and being in a bounce house for several hours and then crying for another hour plus will do that to ya.

Here is Ian after his cast hardened, right before we left the hospital.

So we left the hospital and went right to Allison's parents house and stayed there the night. Since we had no heat or hot water, and they have a big house AND heat & hot water we decided to stay there for awhile.

We were told to keep Ian off his feet (duh!), and just let him relax on the sofa. Uh, have you MET Ian? If there is one thing Ian doesn't do is relax. As a matter of fact, I've seen Ian TRY to relax and it is painful watching him because he looks so uncomfortable. So anyway over the next few days he got lots of TV time, which he loved.

On Tuesday we went to the pediatric hospital and had the experts take a look at his leg. The prognosis is that he'll be in his cast for 4 weeks (not the 6-8 as previously reported) and at which point more xrays will be taken to see how the bone has healed. The next course of action obviously depends on that.

I've been trying to keep Ian busy with crafts and stuff, but he hates that shit. We had fun putting together a little model Star Wars spaceship and a little birdhouse but you can tell he is just barely tolerating it. He's a tough kid, but I think he's going to die of boredom! We've been holding off on getting him any electronic gaming thing (like a gameboy), as we feel once he has that he won't want to do anything else...but I think he'll have one before the cast comes off. Although I still want to hold out for as long as possible.

As far as transportation goes, I've been lugging him around in our wagon, as my only other option has been to carry him. That seems to work, but it gets a little hectic while in parking lots and such where I also have to worry about Leah (she won't fit in the wagon with his club leg) especially if I need to carry any kind of bags or something.

The doctor said he could try to get around on his own, he just couldn't run or climb anything. Well, the way his leg is positioned, he definitely isn't doing any running. He hadn't wanted to attempt any movement on his own (and was content with me carrying him everywhere) until yesterday. He hobbled around a little (with assistance) and this morning he got out of bed, butt-scooted down the hallway and made it all the way downstairs without waking anyone up. So I'm glad to see he is figuring out alternate modes of transportation.

He is back at school and while he's bummed about not being able to run around with his classmates, he likes the attention that the cast brings. On Wednesday afterschool he just sat in his wagon while a few of his classmates had at his cast with some permanent markers:

So we're getting along okay, and hopefully these next 3.5 or so weeks pass by rather quickly. I wanted to go out the past two days, but Ian has been complaining of pain in his leg (which he hadn't done before yesterday) so we've been pretty much stuck in the house.

I called the doctor yesterday and they said that as long as his prescribed pain meds were helping to alleviate the pain then it isn't a problem. We're not giving him the medicine (Tylenol w/Codeine) unless he's in pain or at night, to help ensure a good night's rest.

Well, I think that about sums up the weekend. Sorry if this has been so disjointed. I've been working on it over a few nights so I couldn't get into my 'groove'. There is other stuff to tell, but it's getting late and I'm beat.

Cheers.

Karma gonna git cha!!

2008-10-07T19:43:00.002-04:00

I was talking to a neighbor of ours yesterday and SHE was talking to a neighbor of hers earlier in the day and said that SHE heard something horrible happened on our block. Yeah, I was all ears too!

She said that someone on the adjoining street tied up her little dog to the front stoop and took out her trash the last trash day. She brought her trash to the curb, turned around and saw a coyote attack her dog, going right for the throat. The coyote grabbed the pipsqueak and headed off into the woods with it.

Oh man, I am giddy with joy here!! If you don't know why, see my blog from June 13, 2007. I was about to recap it, but I figured I'd let those who don't know 'the backstory' do a little leg work. I don't know for sure if it's one of HER dogs, but I'm praying like mad that it is. How great would that be if that stupid fuck knuckle saw her dog get ripped apart by a coyote??? That would be some serious Karma in action. I need to dig a little into this and get confirmation, but know that I'll be going to bed a little happier tonight just thinking that she'll play that sight over and over in her mind for the rest of her miserable life.

----------------

BTW, I was just going to blog about the status update of the whole house situation, but it was getting very lengthy and boring, so I stopped. Hopefully Allison will make it sound more interesting in her blog (gee, no pressure, huh Allison?). The short, short version is: we put an offer on a house, but we got bumped. Go ahead Babs, fill in the gaps.

11 Weeks

2008-10-01T13:14:00.003-04:00

That's how long it took Ian to realize that Dupree isn't around.

He finally asked about her this morning, and I kind of deflected it because he had school in a little bit so I didn't want to get into the whole thing. I just said "I don't know, I haven't seen her" and then brought up something else.

Ian asked Allison where Dupree was, then Allison gave me the look as in "well, he finally asked" and then went into how she ran away. You could see Ian's eyes begin to redden and well up and his lip started quivering. He was really upset about it, which was sad to see of course.

He was sad because Dupree was all alone, or dead. He was sad because she wants to be out in the woods (either alone or with other cats) rather than in the house with us. And he was sad because she may be with another family, when she belongs to us.

He really misses her and he desperately wants me to take him in the woods behind our house to look for her. Does he want to do it conventionally like any normal 4 year old? Oh no.

He doesn't want to go back there shouting her name and looking for her. He wants us to go back there, find her tracks and follow them to where she is. Oh dude, how the hell am I gonna pull this off? Hopefully we'll come quickly upon a pile of furry coyote shit and have closure right then and there.

So anyway Ian said on the way to school that he was going to tell his friends and his teachers all about it. I already pictured picking him up after school and seeing 12 4yr olds crying over an elderly cat with a poor sense of direction. I was able to forewarn Ian's teacher and she appreciated it since she is often told stories by the kids and she doesn't have the foggiest as to what they're talking about.

When I went to pick Ian up, he was in a great mood which was a good sign. There was also no evidence of other kids crying or any candlelight vigils that might have taken place in the past 2.5hrs.

One funny thing that I noticed was that apparently they have a 'class news' segment in school. Every kid has an opportunity to tell what's going on with them and the teacher writes it down on a big notepad for the class. (Why they do that, I don't know since the kids can't read...but whatever). But I noticed that for Ian it said

Ian: Ian's cat, Dupree ran away into the woods. Ian can also burp his ABC's.

Well okay, then.

RIP Uncle Walt

2008-09-16T12:57:00.001-04:00

RIP Uncle Walt, the man who taught me to play pool, darts and who was instrumental in me coming to terms with my mom's death when she passed away when I was 17.

A Letter to my Wife

2008-09-02T15:35:00.000-04:00

Happy Anniversary, Dear!

It has been 8 wonderful years being married to you. Sure we've had our ups and downs, but our love has produced 2 wonderful kids, which we cherish every day. I love you with all my heart and am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you.

So what do you say we put the aforementioned children to bed early and get freaky tonight?

PENIS POWER!

2008-08-15T20:17:00.010-04:00

I had a really cool father/son adventure on Tuesday.

We went to Allison's uncle's lake house for dinner. It was thunder & lightning when we got there but then it cleared up, so Ian and Leah got their bathing suits on and splashed around in the water for a little bit. Then Ian wanted to "really" go swimming, so I got my bathing suit on, we strapped a life vest on Ian and the two of us swam out to an island about a quarter mile out.

He was so excited to be swimming in the lake! He just absolutely loved the idea that we were swimming somewhere other than a pool and that we were not near the edge of the lake. He just kept talking the whole way out there. He was talking about everything and everything. That's how you know he's really excited. Once we got to the island, we just sat on the rocks for a bit and talked about what we had just done.

About a minute after we got there, everyone on the deck at the house yelled in unison "Good job, Ian!". He LOVED it. I mean he was in all his glory. From that point onward he just kept talking about everyone yelling about him. We explored the island for a few minutes until I saw there were broken beer bottles out in the major area of the island. Since we didn't have water shoes, I steered him back to the edge where we chilled for a bit more and then started the swim back to the house.

He was just as chatty on the way back as he was on the way out. You could tell he was getting tired though. He was swimming at a MUCH slower rate and I had to 'pull' him along several times. We got back to the house, dried off and ate dinner. He fell asleep not 3 minutes after leaving the house, because he was so wiped out!

It really was one of the best father/son adventures we've had, in a LONG time...maybe ever. I know some pics were taken, so I can't wait to see them. But until those surface, here is a zoomed in picture of the island I took from my cell phone. The view from the deck is much nicer, but I wanted to get the rocks up which we scrambled (in the middle):

You would think that the title of the blog would relate to the above story, how the father and son had a great adventure and that they were unstoppable: "GO PENIS POWER!" Believe it or not, that is not the case. There is a story behind that emphatic title.

On Sunday we went over to Allison's parents for dinner, as we do most Sundays. Well, we were hanging around the kitchen table when Ian and Leah decided to run amok outside on the back deck. Before we knew it, Ian had stripped off all his clothes and was pretending to be a super hero.

The funniest part was him standing proudly, stark naked, with hands on hips shouting at the top of his lungs "PENIS POWER!" and then running full tilt across the deck.

I take that back. The funniest part was Leah mimicing him, yelling PENIS POWER and then HER running full tilt across the deck in all her glory.

And, no, you will not see any pictures of that!

Garage Door:1 Mouse: 0

2008-08-11T16:12:00.002-04:00

Threw up in my mouth a little...okay, a LOT.

2008-08-10T07:29:00.014-04:00

Yesterday we took the kids on an impromptu trip to Lake Compounce, which is an area amusement park/water park. My initial reaction when Allison suggested going there was that she was nucking futz, seeing how it was a saturday in the middle of summer.

I have grown to be, shall we say 'not fond', of large crowds. Not that I'm nervous around them or get claustrophobic, it's just that I find that when large masses of people (and in yesterday's case, masses of large people...VERY large people) are in one place, I get really annoyed.

I have noticed that has really only been since we have had kids. One reason is that I'm deathly afraid of losing one of the kids in a large crowd like that. Both times that we've been to this amusement park I have seen one kid hysterical because he lost his parents...and then you see the frantic parent looking for their kid. Man, that scares me.

The other reason I am not a fan of crowds is due to the logistics of maneuvering through the throngs of people, especially when strollers are involved. It bugs the shit out of me when I'm trying to get somewhere and you have to dodge around these assholes who will walk as slow as possible and then STOP and just stand there.

Or the people will slightly change directions, then change their mind and then cut back in front of you, and then maybe go another way and then right back in front of you. And then what do they do? STOP and just stand there.

My very favorite is when a group of people congregate in the most asinine/inconvenient places, like right in the middle of the pathway of where ever you may be. For instance, yesterday we forgot swim diapers for Leah so we went into a little store and bought one. People were standing there talking right in the main aisleway of the store right at the entrance, therefore blocking access to the cashier and the store itself and not to mention blocking the exit.

Granted, it was a small store, but these people weren't buying anything or shopping. They were standing there just gabbing. People also have a habit of doing that right in the main thoroughfare of the park...just standing there in the middle of the walkway either looking at a map or just talking. DUDE, MOVE OVER AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!

I'm sure these are very nice people outside of these situations...but when it comes to times like these, they are all assholes, the whole lot of 'em. Consider this a PSA: Please don't be that group! Please be aware of your surroundings and be courteous of others trying to get by.

Okay, how the hell did I get off on that tangent? Anyway, so we decided to go to Lake Compounce as it would be fun even with the major crowds..and we were right. We started off in the section with the kiddie rides. It seems that Ian has outgrown a few of them, as he looked bored on a couple of them, but Leah was in her glory! But don't feel bad for Ian, as there were plenty more on which he had an absolute blast! There were a few rides that Ian wanted to go on by himself, but there were also some he wanted us to go with him, like the kid-friendly 'Free Fall' and a scaled down roller coaster.

After we went on some rides we stopped for a snack and then made our way to the water park. This is where we encountered the most crowds, and where it became the most frustrating, but what can you do? It was a hot weekend day in the middle of the Summer.

First we went into a shallow pool for the smaller kids where they had little slides, swings and places to just poke around. Leah was getting kind of cranky at that point and she wasn't having fun so Allison took her to the beach, which was right next to the water park. She seemed to be content playing in the sand there. After a little bit Ian wanted to go to the beach and swim in the lake, so we went and did that. Ian and I went into the water and we practiced him swimming a little bit, but then he had fun playing a new game: We would be in the water up to his chest, and then he would want me to stay there while he made his way up to the shoreline to say hi to Allison and Leah and then would make his way back out to me.

I was a little hesitant at first, but it wasn't all that far and I knew I'd be able to get to him in a matter of seconds if he went under, so I let him do this game. Apparently this was a fun game as he kept doing this over and over.

After a while of doing this, Leah was getting towards the end of her rope and Ian was starting to get cold. So we were able to convince Ian to go down a big water slide one time before we left. There was a height restriction of 54" to ride it, so I couldn't go with him, but I waited in line with him. There was an enclosed tower with concrete steps to get up to the top, which had a bizarre odor within it. I knew I knew that smell, but I just couldn't place it. So we waited in line for about 10 minutes. We were close to the top, about 5 kids from going on the slide when IT happened. What is 'IT', you ask? Oh let me tell you.

In front of us in line was this boy, probably 7 or 8. He was all by himself and wasn't talking to anyone, which is fine. Like I said, we were just about at the top, so we had invested some time waiting in line, and this was the last thing we were doing before leaving. So the boy in front of us had his arms stretched out and was holding onto both railings on either side of him. I saw him glance to the left of him, then to the right and then there 'IT' was: A steady stream of pee going down his legs and bathing suit and splashing on the steps and then running down them.

I have definitely gotten better at not using curse words around the kids. I learned my lesson last year with Ian and the F bomb. What did I say when I saw all this pee? "Uhhhhhh!" What did I want to say? "HOLY FUCKING SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? DO THEY MAKE SWIM DIAPERS FOR 8 YEAR OLDS??? AAAGGGGGHHH!"

I looked up at the kid and he just stared straight ahead not saying a peep acting like nothing happened. Now I can't really blame him for that, as that's what I do when I release a floating air biscuit in public. But there is a difference between offensive air and body fluid. Offensive air is rude, releasing body fluid is just plain fucked up, not to mention unsanitary.

It was at this point that I finally realized what that smell eminating from the stairwell was: A port-o-john. I looked down and ALL the steps were wet...like, really wet. Then it dawned on me that this kid was NOT the first one to do this on this day. It was just too wet in there to be just water dripping from the pool. I swear to God I nearly gagged. No joke, for HOURS afterwards, my stomach was just turning.

We were SO close to the top, like I said, just a few riders...so I immediately put Ian to the side of the step, told him ONLY to climb on the side and then would meet him at the bottom. It's not that I was abandoning him, but it was as far as I could go, as only riders were allowed beyond that point. I figured what the hell, apparently we had been standing in a cesspool for 10+ minutes, why worry Ian about it or include him in my gut-wrenching discovery. S0 I left him to go meet him at the bottom of the slide, as he was concerned if anyone would be there to help him get off the slide and into the water.

I ran down the stairs, head a spinning just looking at everyone standing on the piss-soaked steps totally unaware of the vomit-inducing discovery I had just made. It was so fucking nasty. I swear I'm almost gagging right now just thinking about that.

You know whats the worst part about it? That poor boy was dehydrated. It looked like he was pissing orange juice. His parents should be disciplined for a) not making sure he drank enough during the day and b) for not teaching him that it's NOT OKAY TO PISS ON THE PEOPLE BEHIND YOU IN LINE!

Yuck. It'll take me awhile to come to grips with that.

Anyway, here are the pictures of the good times we had, pre piss-exposure:

And this is how my tummy feels just thinking about how I was standing barefoot in a shitload of other peoples urine outputs:

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes.....

2008-08-09T08:15:00.003-04:00

I'm in the process of funktifying my little corner of the web.

I finally figured out how to add links (apparently it's all in the template you choose, imagine that), and will work on jazzing it up a bit.

I can't tell who reads my site (besides those who comment), so if you'd like me to link to your site, please let me know and I'll be happy to do so. As long as I know you or would be interested in knowing you...all spammers will be ridiculed.

I already added some links that I could think of from the (balding) top of my head. If I forgot you, please forgive me. I've only had one cup of coffee so far. Oh, and Meri, I didn't forget you, I just don't have permission to view your page!

Now that I have a new phone that takes decent pictures, I'll be more vigilant on updating this and our goings on. Besides, it seems we'll be busy in the next few months, so I should have some stuff to report.

Now excuse me while I go and remedy that whole only one cup of coffee thing....

Results from Physical

2008-08-08T12:57:00.002-04:00

I'm required to do a physical every year for the Fire Department, but it's more of a hearing test, TB test (for the volunteer EMT gig) and turn-your-head-and-cough type of physical.

I found out this winter that my PCP had moved away several months prior, so I figured that wasn't a good sign if I didn't even know about it. So I scheduled a physical (there was a 6 month wait list!) and finally had it last week.

I wanted a general check-up, but had a few issues that I wanted to bring up to him as well:

*I have a really gnarly, extremely pronounced vericose vein on my left leg. It looks like a major scar or that there is a huge rope embedded right under my skin. I brought it up to my PCP a few years ago, and he said as long as it doesn't hurt, don't worry about it. Well, the past year or so it's been getting uncomfortable if I'm standing...not major pain, but uncomfortable pressure in my leg. So it's time to get that checked out again.

*There is a mole in the middle of my back that Allison has noticed and doesn't really like the look of.

*Diabetes is rampant in my family and wanted to get that re-checked again.

*During my last physical for the Fire Department I came back borderline positive for Tuberculosis. Not that I have it, but that I may be a carrier for it. The nurses were very hesitant to declare me positive because that's something that follows you forever. They told me that I'm probably negative,not to worry about it, but get it rechecked in about 6 months.

*I couldn't remember the last Tetnus shot I got...I was reminded of this when I stepped on a piece of wood with a rusty nail in it. Fortunately I missed the nail, but it still triggered my fear.

SOOOOO, I went to the doc, he looked at my leg, my mole and my nuts. Fortuantely for me, I was able to avoid "Dr. Jellyfinger". I saw the tube of K-Y on the counter before he came in and started freaking out. I really, really, really don't want a man's finger up my ass. (Allison tells me I'm lucky I'm not a woman. That's fine. You keep all your interior plumbing and velvety soft hoo-hah, and I'll keep my anus a finger-free zone!)

Here's the rundown of the results:

Gnarly vein: was given 4 names of local vascular sugeons. I need to make an appointment to see one.

Mole on back: looks harmless, but he'll make a note to keep an eye on it.

Pee in cup: everything they test with that came back a-ok.

Nut fondling: no hernia

Bloodwork: Everything is in normal parameters...that means blood sugar (no diabetes), cholesterol (LDL & HDL), Triglycerides, no anemia, and all that other good stuff.

Also my thyroid measurement was in normal perameters (my doctor wanted it checked since my mom had Thyroid Cancer, and thyroid problems are hereditary).

Tetnus shot: Done, even still a bit sore 5 days later.

TB Test: NEGATIVE! Didn't get nearly the same reaction as I did last time. It wasn't even close to being borderline positive. I asked the nurse about this and she just said that people react differently to the test, and that i probably just had a more severe reaction last time.

So all in all, I'm pretty much as healthy as a toddler chasin', diaper changin' horse can be!

It's unofficially official

2008-08-05T01:24:00.010-04:00

I really don't want to dwell on it, but today I have officially accepted that Dupree is gone.

I got some blood drawn today for tests for a routine physical, and the lab tech was a woman whom I know from the Fire Department. She lives almost directly behind us on the other side of the woods.

I asked her if she happen to have seen a black and grey striped cat in the last few weeks as ours had run away, and I was betting that she was romping around in those woods and maybe had made her way down there.

She said she hadn't seen a cat, but DID see a coyote yesterday back in the woods. There is no way Dupree is gonna take on one of those, and win. Besides, it's been nearly 3 weeks.

So, until she surprises me by sitting on our doorstep waiting to be let in, I'm considering her gone for good.

Later, kitty.

Oh, and one more thing. Bat at Marvin's balls for me, will ya?

Newsflash! This just in!

2008-08-03T20:25:00.002-04:00

Can you all see me doing my happy dance?

The reason behind my happiness is that we found out this weekend that the rottweiler across the street who bit Ian in May was put to sleep recently! Apparently he was riddled with cancer.

YIPPEE!

Don't get me wrong, I'm an animal lover, and don't blame the dog for biting Ian, but I couldn't be any happier that this dog is off the face of the earth. He was just a rotten mo' fo' from the time we met him 6 years ago.

Apparently Ian isn't sad either. I asked him today where Marvin is, and he smiled and said "in Heaven." I asked him if he was sad that Marvin was there. His response: "No! He was a mean dog."

I do explain to Ian that he wasn't mean, he just didn't like people he didn't know, and was protective of his family.

Either way, he's out of our lives. Good riddance, I say.

Rot away, canine corpse.

An oldie but a goodie - the beginnings of my writing.

2008-07-30T19:19:00.012-04:00

I was packing up some more stuff today and came across a letter I wrote in October 2000. I quickly recognized the letter, but had completely forgotten about it until I saw it today.

I consider it to be probably one of my finest pieces of letter writing, besides the letter I sent to an ex-girlfriend who had cheated on me describing that if she continued her bed-hopping ways, her privates would look like a greasy pizza with all the toppings. I think this one is the best because of what I said, how I said it, as well as the outcome that it produced. The only unfortunate thing about it, is the reason behind me writing it.

I'm not going to go into great detail as I'm going to do enough typing re-writing the 2.5 pages of excellence, but here is a synopsis: The hotel where we booked our rehersal dinner & lodging for the guests of our wedding was a wreck. The management and some employees there didn't know their asses from their elbows, and it showed.

You know how I used to change names of places to protect them? Meh, not this time. I'll delete the last names of the people involved, but that's about it. Here goes:

October 10, 2000
Radisson Hotels
Attn: Customer Service Department
blah blah blah for address

Re: Springfield/Enfield Radisson Hotel

To whom it may concern:

It is my belief that your department should know what happened at your hotel thie weekend of September 2, 2000, which was the weekend of my wedding. Previously, my fiance and I decided that your hotel, which at the time was in the process of renovation, would be a wonderful place for our guests to stay.

Little did I know that what was supposed to be one of the best weekends of my life was dashed by the shortcomings of the staff employed at the Radisson in Enfield, CT.

I had previously booked two rooms on my credit card. One room, reserved under [insert Toddler Chasin' Maniac's dad's name], my father, was for Friday and Saturday nights. The other room, which was reserved under my name, was for Saturday and Sunday nights. I had a confirmation number for each of those rooms.

About a month before the wedding, I received a list of all booked rooms. I quickly noticed that the room booked under my name had been transferred to one of our wedding guests. This was my room because it had the same confirmation number I was originally given.

Phyllis, who was extremely helpful, confirmed that the room had inexplicably transferred into this guest's name. Phyllis asked for my credit card number and told me that she would make sure I had a room for Saturday and Sunday nights.

Saturday, September 2, 2ooo, my new bride and I went to the lobby to check into our room. We chitchatted with the front office manager (A.J. [Goofyhead]); we were given our room key cards and headed off to Room 601 expecting to get a good rest after a long day. Instead, we were met by key cards that did not work as well as occupants in our reserved room.

Mr. [Goofyhead] explained to us that apparently a hotel employee/desk clerk gave away our room without entering it into the computer system and that there were no other rooms available that night. Mr. [Goofyhead] was extremely apologetic and offered to put us up for the night at a hotel near Bradley Airport, which is over thirty minutes away. At this point, it was 2:30am and we were exhausted, so we were not going to drive to another hotel.

My brother offered us his room and told us that he and his fiance would stay with someone else. A half-hour later, my wife of twelve hours cried herself to sleep. Apparently, this was not what she had in mind for our wedding night.

The next morning we checked out trying to put the incident behind us. Mr. [Goofyhead] was still behind the front desk and he instructed the clerk who was checking us out to deduct one night from our hotel bill. My wife signed the bill and we walked out. After leaving, we noticed that the clerk only deducted $50 from the bill, rather than the full amount as directed by Mr. [Goofyhead].

While checking out, Mr. [Goofyhead] gave us his business card and told us that any weekend we wanted to come back he would pay for our room. As nice as that sounds on the surface, I do not understand why he would expect us to return to that establishment after having our room on our wedding night taken away from us. This offer is even less appealing knowing that my wife's parents live fifteen minutes away. If we were to return to the area for an overnight stay, we would stay there.

We provided that hotel with 64 occupied rooms that weekend, which equals to one-third of the capacity. We held our rehersal dinner on the hotel premises and our guests packed the hotel bar both Friday and Saturday nights until closing and drank its supply of beer out of stock. Many of our guests also ate meals in the hotel restaurant and ordered room service.

In short, our group spent a lot of money at this hotel and I feel that my wife and I deserve more compensation than free lodging for a weekend in Enfield. Please understand that I am aware of my brother's fiance, [Pensyltucky Erin], had a conference call with Mr. [Goofyhead] and a representative from Radisson sometime last month.

It is my understanding that [Pensyltucky Erin] agreed that a free weekend at any Radisson in the country and a gift certificate towards dinner would be adequate compensation. Although it is a nice gesture, it is not enough to keep my wife and I from telling all the business travelers we know about how a Radisson Hotel gave away our room on our wedding night.

For your information, these are not the only complaints by guests of the Enfield Radisson for that weekend. Many of our guests were met by other inadequacies of the hotel employees. I am sure you have received complaints about them already, if not you will.

I do however want to comliment Phyllis, Susan [Hoffenfleishenflowergerger] and their staff on the work and preperation for our rehersal dinner held in the Springfield/Longmeadow Room on Friday, September 1, 2000. They went to great lengths in helping us choose menu items, hammer out details, and even help solve a problem of ours not hotel related. This is especially true for Phyllis, who sincerely is a customer service oriented employee.

The purpose of this letter is to shed light on how grossly mismanaged your hotel was on this particular weekend. I sincerely hope this was an isolated incident with a known cause, and not the normal operating procedure for all hotels in the Radisson chain. I trust actions will be taken to ensure that this does not happen to future guests, especially newlyweds looking to spend their most anticipated night together in your establishment.

I have moved since the comment form was sent to me, my new address is listed below. I will refrain from filling out the comment form until I receive any compensation or acknowledgement of this letter in writing.

Sincerely,

Mr. & Mrs Toddler Chasin', Diaper Changin' Maniac.

Of course, the question begs to be asked is: What was the outcome??

A few weeks after the letter was sent, we received (via registered mail) 5 free nights to any Radisson anywhere in North America. We have since used them all, mostly for weddings where we were going to stay overnight.

So there you have it, what I consider one of my best examples of letter writing.

Of course that doesn't count my blogs. Profanity peppered throughout stories trumps demanding free overnight stays anytime.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Speaking of profanity peppered throughout blogs, I was mowing my lawn today and noticed some dog shit. Immediately I could feel my blood boil, but quickly calmed down when I realized that it was on my neighbor's property. Not HERS, but the neighbor on the other side of us. It was really CLOSE to ours, but not on ours. It still irks me that the neighbor bitch still lets her dogs do that, but it wasn't my problem, so I let it go.

--------------------------------------------------------------

In other news, unfortunatly there is still no definitive ending to the mysteriously vanishing Dupree. It's been two weeks since we've noticed that she was gone, so it could be up to 16 days since she actually disappeared out of thin air.

At first I was thinking that any moment now she'd saunter up out of the woods and I would have been worrying for nothing. But obviously with each passing day, it's not very likely that is going to happen.

I feel a little bad about not pursuing her whereabouts, like checking the local animal control officer for strays or roadkill on streets surrounding the forest. I haven't even been driving the neighborhood looking for her.

Unfortunately I really don't have too much awake time without the kids around. Besides, there is a shitload of woods behind us. I could go out and check there, but what are the chances of me coming across her (or her remains) in 200 acres of forest? Pretty much the only thing I've been doing is keeping an eye out for her while playing outside with the kids or looking into the forest while out on our deck.

The craziest thing is that Ian still hasn't said anything. I've been thinking about what to say when he DOES ask where Dupree is, and I've come to the decision to just say "I don't know where she is, bud. I haven't seen her." and just leave it at that.

I'm actually nervous about that whole conversation because I fucked up the death talk royally...and that was with a neighborhood dog whose name that he didn't even know. Nevermind a family pet that has been in the family longer than Ian has. Come to think of it, I could just say that his tormenting her is what led her to run away....

-----------------------------------

Speaking of Ian tormenting things, we found out for SURE this past weekend that Ian has a heart afterall. He was watching 'Hook' with Allison on Sunday (a movie that I had never seen before), when he saw the part where Peter Pan as a baby is left on the ground in the middle of a rainstorm, in the middle of the night.

All of a sudden Ian started asking about why the baby was there and what was happening, and then Tinkerbell comes over and holds a leaf over Peter Pans head to shield him from the rain. Ian just opened the floodgates and began to cry uncontrollably.

He wasn't sad that we would do that to him or Leah, but he was sad that ANYONE would do that to a baby. It was really sweet, but it was painful to watch because he cried at my in-laws house, the whole way home and then while lying in bed going to sleep. He was also SUPER exhausted, but he was still talking about it the next day.

Poor little guy, at 4 years old worrying about why people would abandon a baby.

So when you see him, for God's sake, do NOT bring up the story of Peter Pan!

---------------------------------------------

In happier news, Ian is still going to camp 3 mornings a week and is absolutely loving it. We even got a babysitter out of the deal. One of the counselors that supervises Ian asked me a few weeks ago if we need a babysitter.

She said that Ian is her favorite and that she tells her mom about Ian all the time. She also loves interacting with Leah. Everytime I drop Ian off or pick him up, Leah goes right for her and she'll scoop her up and play with her for a few minutes. She has been doing this since one of the first days of camp, so I don't think it's a ploy for the counselor to get a babysitting gig.

We're going to try her out later this week, to see how it goes. She's going to come over to the house and play with the kids while I do some more prep work around the house, because we're getting down to crunch-time.

Our house goes on the market mid-August and there's a LOT of stuff left to do. I'm a little bit worried, but we still have a lot of time, so as long as we don't squander a whole lot of it I think we'll be okay.

Besides, we've already done a lot of what we need to do, so we can definitely see the improvements/changes taking place.

Okay, that's about it...like it's not long enough!

Other things have been going on, but my eyes are crossing from spending too much time in front of the computer.

Cheers, have fun, and if you see Dupree, tell her to get her ass home. Better yet, put down a can of tuna and you can keep her as your own.

9 lives up?

2008-07-17T14:09:00.002-04:00

fuckin' cats. When we first moved here our neighbor said she lost 4 or 5 out in the 200+ acres of state forest behind us.

Well, we have two of our own (both indoor cats, about 11 years old)...and for the last several years they have been making holes in the screen doors/windows in order to try to get out of the house. We're tired of getting new screen doors or patching them...I resorted to using duct tape, but the cats just claw that out of the way and use the hole as a 'doggy' door. well, kitty door i guess.

Anyway, we have a new screen door on order, but we're not going to put it on until the day our house goes on the market, the middle of next month. So we've been leaving it as is, and keep the slider open to allow for air exchange during the day, but when it gets buggy in the evening we shut the door.

Anyway, we realized today that we haven't seen one of the cats in a few days. Nice power of observation on our part...now I know where Ian gets it.

It's probably too soon to write her off, as she's escaped for 4 or so days while we were away on vacation before coming back. But I think some coyotes, foxes, fisher cats, or some mean muthafuckin' squirrels (all of which we have here) got to her.

I feel a little bad, as she's been our kitty since she was 6 months old, but she's been dying to get OUT of the house, it's only fitting if she dies outSIDE of the house. Besides, it's one less thing we have to worry about packing up and moving (did I just say that?)

Dupree, we'll leave the light on for you.

A present

2008-07-08T19:48:00.002-04:00

Happy birthday to me.

Ian just left me a heaping, steaming pile of shit on the back deck. I couldn't get to it quick enough before the flys were a buzzin'. It even made me gag a little.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that my birthday was yesterday. It's the thought that counts though.

Rule No. 1482

2008-05-10T19:46:00.002-04:00

Hey look at this. I don't blog for 6 weeks, and then it's twice in two days!

I learned today that apparently it's not common sense, and you have to explicitly tell a preschooler NOT to wipe his face against a wall rather than seeking out a tissue.

Hell, even using his sleeve would be more acceptable than walking across the room, pressing his face against the wall and then slowly dropping to his knees.

WTF?

Did you miss me?

2008-05-09T20:02:00.012-04:00

Hey there ladies and gents! Long time, no blog! I just checked and see that the last time I wrote was Easter. Hmmmm, I can't say that things have been slow here, as they haven't: We've had a smattering of trips, activities, haps, mishaps and everything in between. I'll try to re-cap the best I can.

Let's see, after Easter we went on a trip to Orlando, but Allison wrote about that so I won't bore you with repetition. If you want to read about it, you can check out her blog over at http://dupreesgal.blogspot.com/ She didn't put any pictures up there, so here are a few of our favorites:

The girls on the monorail, excited for the day ahead:

The boys on the monorail, excited for round 2 (this was taken on our way back into the park after a nap and some downtime) :

The family with a famous rat:

The kids taking on Zurg from behind bars:

Leah, recovering from her drawn out battle with Zurg:

Ian having a blast on the teacups:

The girls relaxing on the Tomorrowland Transit Tram thingy:

--------------------------------------

After our trip to Orlando we decided enough was enough with Ian and the whole non-potty training thing. I told Ian to say goodbye to his pull-ups because he was going to wear underwear from here on out. He was pretty excited.......until he heard that there were concequences for accidents.

Yeah, that's right. There are concequences for accidents now. I decided it's time to pull out all the stops as he's almost Four and there is nothing medically that's holding him back: He's just lazy.

Now before you gasp in horror:

a) There are only concequences for pooping in his underwear, not peeing.

b) I gave him a several day 'period of adjustment' window. I think it was 4 or 5 days.

If he pees, there are no major concequence. We just change his clothes, remind him that he needs to pay attention to his body, we give each other hugs and a kiss and off he goes playing again. But if he poops? Well, then all hell breaks loose. Here is what happens:

*He gets a spanking while still wearing his poopy underwear.

*I make him take off his shoes, socks, pants and poopy underwear by himself in a dark room.

*I wipe his body down using dried up baby-wipes so that you really need to scrub hard to get all the poop off.

*I put the poopy underwear up to his face and scream: Is this how big boys behave?
*I then put the poopy underwear on his head and make him do the "I'm a little Teapot" dance, all the meanwhile Leah and I point at him and laugh.

If you STILL have a horrified look on your face and think I'm serious, please close your web browser and never return to this webpage again...thanks for visiting! Okay, so thats not what I do...but it makes what I DO do as punishment seem not so bad!

If Ian poops in his underwear, he gets all his transformers taken away until the next time he poops on the potty. My reasoning for the punishment is as follows: As far as the peeing goes, I totally get that he's not 4 yet, and that he can easily get sidetracked and if he doesn't pay attention it's VERY easy (and understandable) that he'd pee in his underwear. All it takes is the mind to wander a bit, and BOOM, you've got soaked grundies.

But pooping takes effort. It's a deliberate act that requires a combonation of concentration, will-power, determination, breath-holding and (depending on diet) a fair amount of grunting. That is not something that just slips your mind. I say that if you can slip off into a corner of the room behind the lamp and endtable, squat down outta sight and open up and let loose, you can easily say "Daddy, I gotta go poopy". Premeditation, my friend, is the determining factor here.

So before I implimented my hard and fast rule, I drilled it into his head and made sure he truly understood what the concequences were. When D-day came, I let him know it. You know what? It was DAYS before he pooped in his underwear. He pottytrained like a champ!

Sure enough, the first time he pooped in his underwear was his first day at his new preschool (Go figure!). So he got a pass on that one, since I wasn't there. But the next time he did it, which was a good 3 or 4 days later I took his Transformers away and he was SO upset. Rightfully so, as they are his favorite possessions...but I then explained to him that it depends on his actions.

Even though we've had some accidents here and there, generally I think Ian is doing pretty well. Granted, he's at the stage that he should have been at around 3 or even 3.5 yrs old (he turns 4 in less than 2 weeks!), but we're certainly seeing progress. Knock on wood, lets hope this continues!

-------------------------------

In other news, I got a new tattoo a few weeks ago. I decided to get this most recent one commemorating the impact running has had on me over the past few years: It has helped me to lose 60lbs (keeping all 60 off is another story!), which has greatly improved my self esteem & self image. It also commemorates my ability to complete a flippin' Marathon. That still floors me to think that I was able to achieve that, by the way.

I chose the image that i got because it depicts how I feel during my long runs on the weekend: It's just peaceful, quiet and I'm out there all by myself enjoying what I am doing. The tattoo is a silhouette of a runner against a multi-colored sky (sunset or sunrise, you decide). You might recognize the image!

Here is a picture:

I have a Half Marathon in 2 weeks that I am SO not prepared for...but believe it or not, I'm starting to get the itch to do another marathon. I told Allison I wouldn't do one anytime in the near future, but I'm looking at all these upcoming races and get to thinking "Hmmm, I could train for that."

We did agree, however, on one marathon that I will do. We're going to go to Hawaii for our 10 year anniversary and while we're there I'm going to run the Honolulu Marathon. I gotta get training though, as it's only 31 months away!

---------------------------------------

I recently got back from a 'guys' weekend. The plan hatched at a wedding reception last July, but first a little backstory: Allison and her roommates from college get together every summer and go somewhere for a weekend. They've been doing this every year since we graduated and I think it's great.

Well, anyway so the husbands/boyfriends of all these rommates were at the bar (go figure!)during the reception and it was decided that we were going to have a guys golf weekend. We decided it was going to be a long weekend of, well, golf. I ran out on the dance floor to where Allison was all alone doing the funky chicken...or was it the electric slide? Anyway, and I checked with She-Who-Brings-Home-The-Bacon, and she gave me the green light. Silly her thought it was a drunken plan that would be forgotten about by morning!

Anyway, as plans do, they changed and it morphed into a trip of 4 guys to Myrtle Beach. We were all excited because none of us had ever been there before. We ended up playing 5 rounds of golf in 4 days, and we all did well at some point or another.

The most memorable part of the trip? Nope, not either of my birdies, nor the slew of pars I got. And not even the fact that I was able to keep my drives in the fairway for a majority of the rounds.

It was the fuckin' squirrels.

I kid you not, these things were bullies. They would walk right up to you, and I mean right up to you. I think it was Phil who first held out his driver to shoo the thing away and the motherfucker came closer! The little bastards had deathwishes as we'd even resort to yelling at the things and they'd still inch closer taunting us.

And this was not an isolated instance, as these creepy little fuckjobs were everywhere the first 3 days. You have never lived until you've seen about 900lbs of homosapiens fear for their lives due to 3lbs of fur. Someone took a picture of it, or maybe it was even a video with their cell phone...but I'm not going to say who, as I'm pretty sure you can hear me scream like a schoolgirl when the thing lurched forward at us.

In case you can't even fathom what the Devil himself looks like in such a small package, I found a picture online of those menacing little freaks-of-nature. If you cross paths, steer clear, my friends, if you value your life:

----------------------------------------------

This past weekend we went camping, as Allison put in her blog. Again, I won't bore you with the details as she already has (typed out the details, not bored you...well, maybe she has but I won't tell her you said that). You can go to her blog to read about it if you haven't yet.

---------------------------------------------

That really is about all that has been going on...as if that isn't enough! I'll leave you with a few pictures I took yesterday while at a playground. The kids went down to a stream that is nearby and we usually throw rocks in the water. Well, it wasn't very deep and there was a line of rocks that Ian wanted to cross. At first I said no, but then realized it wasn't cold out, and I had a change of clothes for both kids in the car. So I decided to let them go hog-wild. Please note that Ian had just been riding his bike and often forgets to take off his helmet. Who am I to tell him, especially if he's stomping around on wet and slippery rocks!

Dad card suspension / Easter Outtakes

2008-03-23T20:27:00.030-04:00

Ok, Easter is over. The famous bunny has left his mark here in CT and has moved on to other parts of the world. Everyone in the world will put up the cutest, most adorable, greatest shots of their kids and loved ones from this historic and fabled day.

Not this guy.

Below you will find only our outakes. That means you won't find a great shot of both kids, or Leah smiling or Ian showing his cutest side. You'll only find the pictures that shouldn't be put up for others to see.

BUT. Before I do that, I do have to share a heart wreching discussion I had with Ian last week. This was an impromptu talk i had that ended up (in my opinion) requiring the suspension of my dad card. Thankfully a neighbor pulled me back into the game and allowed me to redeem my status of allowing to raise my children 'without the supervision of others'.

Okay, so last week we had beautiful weather, so we decided to take a walk to the water tower in our neighborhood. No friends were around, so it was just Ian, Leah and I. We walked down there and did our obligatory ritual of 'throwing of the rocks into the drain' routine as well as the 'walk around the tower and see if there are any snakes' ritual. After that was over, we decided to walk back home as the sun was going down and the wind was beginning to pick up.

We passed a neighbor's house, and for the record these neighbors used to have 2 rottwillers, Wanda & Marvin. Wanda was the mom, and Marvin the son. Wanda was an awesome dog who would give anyone kisses and Marvin, well, wouldn't. Let's just say there are probably only 4 dogs who have ever walked on the face of this earth who I have not liked, and Marvin is one of them. He is just not a friendly dog, and I would not miss him if the UPS guy decided to run over the devilish canine. Oh, remember way back when, when I first started running and blogging that I heard 2 monstrous horses running behind me?? Yeah, it was these two.

Anyway, Last fall I noticed that Wanda wasn't looking too good. She was limping badly and wouldn't even get up to greet anyone as they walked up her driveway, as she previously had. The biggest clue was when the neighbors posed her in their yard with the brilliant autumn leaves around her, snapping pictures. Nothing smells more like death than that.

Anyhoo, last week we were walking by their property back to our house when Ian noticed only one of the dogs (Marvin, the asshole) was out in the yard. He asked about the other.....and this is where I deserve to lose my dadcard.

Silly me, should have just said, she was inside the house. Did I say that? Oh no. That would be too peachy keen and easy as pie. I decided, impromptu-ly and without second thought to engage my son in a 'life discussion' that was a long time coming. Honestly, I didn't think it would come until one of my In-Laws decided it was time for a dirt nap. But apparently the neighbor's elderly dog decided it would come sooner. So here I was, facing a life-altering discussion on life and death...and man, did I fuck it up.

I said above, he asked about the missing dog. Smart Don would have said that the other dog was inside their house sleeping...but Idiot Don decided to have this life discussion on a random Tuesday afternoon that involved a neighborhood dog that Ian hadn't seen since November as opposed to a beloved relative lying in repose in the serenity of a hospice or funeral home.

This is how the discussion went:

"Dad, where's the other dog?"

"Well, Ian, Wanda was really sick."

"Who is Wanda?"

"Wanda was the other dog, and she was really sick, and really old, and hurt a lot so Wanda's body couldn't keep up anymore, so Wanda Died."

"What's 'died', dad?"

"That means that Wanda's body stopped working, Ian, so she stopped breathing and her heart stopped beating."

"So where is she, Dad, and when will she get better?"

Okay, this is the point where my 'dad' card deserves to be ripped from my possession. Remember, I was in the heat of the moment and was SO not planning on having this discussion anytime whatsoever in the near future.

"well, Ian. Her body stopped working, so she stopped breathing and living, so she was buried in the ground".

Okay, hold it.

You can only imagine the questions that my explanation lead to, and the panicked look on Ian's face. We actually had to stop our walk and I had to sit down and comfort Ian because he was crying so hard, knowing that Wanda wasn't coming back. He just kept repeating that Wanda was his 'favorite' dog and that he loved her 'very, very much'. Mind you, Ian hadn't seen this dog in several months and didn't even know her flippin name.

So I tried to further the discussion, but it just wasn't going well at all. We got back to our house and a neighbor walked by with her kids, both whom are which about the same age as ours.

As the kids were playing, I told their mom about what had just happened. She tells me about when she had to deal with the subject, about an uncle of their kids...and how the uncle was in Heaven.

HEAVEN? Aw, dude. Why didn't I think of that? I try to explain death to my kid, and I go for the scientific/natural angle as opposed to the spiritual/feel good angle.

"Wanda is rotting and decomposing in the backyard of our neighbors, Ian, not playing in poppyseed fields and drinking unlimited supply of mineral spring water." Way to think on your toes, Don.

Anyway, I tried re-explaining the whole thing to Ian, how people (and pets) actually go to heaven, and aren't sick or hurting anymore. He believed it, and actually took comfort in it. It pulled on my heart-strings to hear Ian talk about how he's 'happy' to hear that Wanda isn't hurting anymore and that that she's happy and that we all can be happy and a family when we all get to heaven someday.

Okay, since he bought into it and I saved myself, I feel that I can keep my Dad card afterall. And to celebrate that, I give to you those outtake photos of today, Easter 2008.

No cute shots, no great pictures of the kids in their 'holiday best'. Just the pictures that should have been deleted in the first place. Happy Easter!

Okay, I need to explain this next one. All the kids go up to the front of church and today they were asked if they knew how to read...some kids raised their hands, and not wanting to be left out, so did Ian. Obviously, he doesn't, but he INSISTED he knew how to read. Pastor Ricki skipped over him and he really didn't like it. So he started crying and just put his head in his hands. Allison went up to get him and calm him down. I just reached for the camera.

Okay, so there are the goofy pictures. I swore to myself that I wouldn't include any 'good' ones, but how can I leave them out. Here are just a few.

Ian and I blowing up a baloon

Ian getting ready for the Easter Bag Hunt

Leah, Post-Candy

Pooptastic

2008-03-09T20:28:00.004-04:00

So today I went with my Father In Law to pick up a bedroom set that Allison's aunt wanted to give us for the kids. We're not planning on using it now, but we decided to put it in our storage unit for when we move.

I come back and Allison tells me that Leah was playing on the floor, then crawled over to the diaper bag that was on the floor, pulled out a diaper (it was actually Ian's pull-up), held it up in the air towards Allison and said "poopy? poopy?". Allison changed her, and guess what? She was poopy.

I kind of laughed, thinking how weird would that be that Leah could do that. Well, we were over at my in-laws later in the day for dinner and Leah was playing on the floor. Well, guess what she did?

She crawled over to the basket where the diapers are kept, pulled one out, held it up in the air and did her little potty chant: "Poopy? poopy?". Allison smiled and pointed out what she was doing and said she bet Leah was poopy. So Allison proceeds to change her and what do you think happened? Sure as shit, Leah was poopy.

HOW TWISTED IS IT THAT OUR 14mo OLD IS MORE AWARE THAN OUR 46mo OLD?

In case that age difference didn't hit you square between your peepers, I'm going to filter out the caps yelling and just put their ages down:

14 months VS 46 months.

That is so fucked up.

I swear I'm going to switch my efforts over to Leah and try to get her potty trained first.

Oh my god...the reality of it just set in. It is a distinct possibility that I'll soon be able to say that I have only one child in diapers...and it will be my preschooler/kindergartner and not my toddler.

Excuse me while I go stick my head in the oven.

A confession

2008-02-27T23:34:00.004-05:00

As you know, I don't hold any punches here in my blog. I tell things like they are, whether it makes me look like a rock star or a complete buffoon. I say that because something has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I've been debating whether or not I want to talk about it here, but as I say, I usually don't hold anything back and tell you guys what's going on with me. So I've decided that I need to spill it. It's not easy to fess up to it, but as I understand it, it'll help with the healing process.

There is something about me that I'm not proud of. It's been affecting my family for years, and across a few generations...two that I know of for sure, maybe more. It's common, yet no one really talks about it because of it's devestating effects it can have on families.

There is treatment, yet I doubt everyone who needs it seeks it. No one wants to own up to the fact that they need help from outside sources and there are many who feel they can beat it on their own.

Well, I am not one of those people anymore. I am now willing to face my demons and admit that I have a problem. A big problem. I have a problem and I need help. Ok, here goes...(this is the first time I'm writing this out).

Hi, My name is Don. And I'm Lactose Intolerant.

Wow. That wasn't as hard as I thought it would be! I thought it would be more difficult to admit that in a public forum such as this. Hmmph.

I don't know when, why, how or what triggered this. Well, I know what triggered this, but for some reason I have become lactose intolerant. At least I think I have. I still need to try to cut out all dairy products to see if that makes a difference, but I've been paying close attention the last few days and I'm pretty sure thats the culprit.

This royally sucks because I've always prided myself on having an iron stomach, not to mention that I'm a huge fan of dairy. I know there are daily pills I can take to help with it, but I'd rather not have to go that route and have to rely on taking a pill otherwise risking isolating myself from anyone within 100 yards....for hours on end. But then again, I'm already taking multivitamins and other crap every day, so whats one more pill.

So I'll begin to cut out dairy and see if that makes a difference. Fear not, I'll keep you updated. Oh. And if we're at a party together and you see me hovering around the cheese plate, I give you permission to knock some sense into me...unless I've taken my lactaid.

------------------------------

On another equally (if not moreso) sucky note, we received some bad news about Ian's preschool. Without getting into details here (which I couldn't really do anyway because it seems to be a he said/she said kind of thing between the principal and the teacher), it boils down to this: This semester Ian's school is one hour a day, two days per week.

Not only that, but they shifted the time up by 15 minutes. So instead of Allison bringing him in at 8am and me picking him up at 10am, he now will be in school from 7:45 to 8:45. What the fuck is that? What in God's name can you accomplish in an hour with a room full of Preschoolers?

Oh yeah, thats another doozie! Ian's first day of the new semester was yesterday (Tuesday)...out of the 10 kids that were in the class last semester, only 3 are returning for the 2nd semester. Yup, 7 sets of parents decided to pull their kids from the program.

I certainly don't blame them, as one hour, twice a week isn't much of a program. But if there was still the same number of kids it at least would have FELT like preschool to the kids...3 year olds can't tell time. Time flies for them anyway, I bet they never would have noticed the difference. But there is a HUGE void with only 3 kids there I bet. I didn't pick Ian up yesterday, so I didn't get what the vibe was. But I'm looking forward to getting the feel tomorrow.

I'm not sure what kind of luck we'll have getting him in somewhere else for the balance of the semester, not to mention the cost of another program...a major deciding factor in going with the one at the High School was the low cost.

But that's my next objective: To see if we can find a supplemental place for Ian to get a school-type/group setting a few hours a week to show him that, in fact, he is NOT the center of the universe!

-------------------------------

Let's see, what else is going on? The kids are still sick. Well, Ian seemed to have pulled through for the most part, but Leah is hanging onto this virus like it was a new Transformer (Leah's favorite toys too, by the way). Hopefully she'll be better in the next few days, because honestly, I'm tired of isolation...I try to keep the kids away from others when they're sick, because it's the right thing to do. But my patience is wearing thin, so we might go out and infect the world in the next few days. So if you see us, cross to the other side of the street.

--------------------------------

I'm sure there is more to tell, but I'm spent. It's time for bed.

Have a fantastic day, and for God's sake, stay away from the dairy case.

Quick Update

2008-02-20T09:46:00.004-05:00

Yeah, it's been awhile, I know. What can I say, nothing exciting has happened: No dogs have shit on my lawn, no fish have died, no 10' bowling pins shuffling along has scared Ian, he hasn't dropped the F-bomb lately and neither kid has cured cancer.

But do you know what miracle DID happen? I had a DIY project go smoothly! In my umpteen tries at doing something myself, I believe this is the very first time that I completed a project without a single derailment.

And what was this wonderful project that I magnificently kicked ass on? It was replacing the toilet in the basement bathroom.

Last week I was in there feeding the cats when the semi-retarded one (Cleo) came in squeaking, squaking and getting all excited. She chose her path very carfully: She ran right between my 2 moving size 14 boots. Stupid me tried to avoid stepping on the 4-legged nuisance and tripped up myself and bashed into the 1970's pale green porcelin god. Immediate dripping ensued.

So anyway, on Monday afternoon allison took the kids for a bike ride/walk around the neighborhood and I was able to do the entire project in a little over an hour! This includes unhooking/draining the old one, taking it apart & bringing it to the garage, scraping off the old wax ring, installing & hooking up the new toilet, and cleaning up the tools.

Since it went problem free, i was SURE that there would be a leak when I turned the water back on....but there wasn't! Booyah......

-----------------------------------------------

on an unrelated note, the kids are sick...again. Allison and the kids got sick towards the end of January. They were sick for awhile, as it just lingered. I was lucky that I didn't get sick with them. I attributed it to my eating well, working out and taking my multivitamins...yeah, that worked. I ended up with a nasty chest cold that lingered for a few weeks. That finally cleared up last week....just in time for the kids to get sick again.

We usually don't take them to the doctors for a cold, as I don't want to clog up the Drs office for something like this, especially this time of year: tis the season. But Leah has been grabbing at her ears the last day, so we have an appointment for them to check her out. I'll have them look at Ian too, since we're there, but I think it's just the run of the mill cold.

Anyway, thats all for now. I apologize for not updating sooner, but honestly there hasn't been anything to report!

Believe you me, when something fucked up happens in my life, you will be the first to know!

Photo of the Fandangled Fishy, As requested

2008-01-17T17:04:00.000-05:00

The morning after I posted the blog about Aloe, I walked into the kitchen and saw that he was swimming normally!! I couldn't believe the timing of it....that little rapscallion must have heard me typing about the possibility of his demise.

Several times a day I've gone back to check and see how he's doing. All has been well, until this morning, that is. For some reason, he is back to floating on one side. So of course, I snapped a picture.

As requested, here is Aloe lying horizontal in the water, working on his flourescent tan.

Fishy Medical Condition

2008-01-12T22:22:00.001-05:00

Before you get all worried, no, there is nothing wrong with any of us. Well, I take that back. There is plenty wrong with ALL of us here in our house...but that's not what I'm talking about.

We have a lame fish. Not lame as in: "God, does his personality suck!". But lame as in: he lists to one side. One morning a few weeks ago I went into the kitchen and glanced over at his little bowl on the kitchen counter and saw him floating on top of the water motionless.

Ian was with me, so I made breakfast while trying not to draw attention to the future sushi roll not 4 feet away from us. All of a sudden the little fucker sprang to life and started bolting around. The fish, that is...not the boy.

Okay, so I fed him and went about my day. Every time I was in the kitchen I would look over and sure enough he'd be on his side looking at both the top AND bottom of the bowl at the same time. This went on for a few weeks, but every time you would tap the bowl or feed him, he'd perk up, swim around and then just kind of stop and hang out. The funny part of watching him is when he stops swimming he slowly tips and rolls over on his side. Instead of Aloe, we should just call him Tim-berrrrrrrr.

Anyway, I was telling my neighbors that I was considering Bettacide because of his ailment. Now don't get all freaky on me, hear me out. No creature deserves to live with one eye permanently glaring at recessed kitchen lighting. What a confused little fishy he must have become! One eye blind and one eye looking at clear glass rocks at the bottom of the bowl. How would you like to go about life always looking through a kaleidoscope? I call it high school and college, but I wouldn't want it to be permanent!

So anyway, I was telling my neighbors about it, and going through my proposed methods. Hmmmm, do I need to stop here and elaborate on my proposed methods of eliminating a 3oz lopsided fish? Because, yes, I have given this thought. Okay, you win. Here goes:

Choice A: Pull a Finding Nemo and flush him out of sight, out of mind. The problem I have with that is that in the movie, Nemo is flushed down the spit sink and out into the ocean. In case you have never been to my house I neither have a spit sink nor an ocean nearby. The closest Aloe would come to the ocean is the septic tank in my back yard. Not a very pleasant choice.

Choice B: In-Sinkerator. Also known as my garbage disposal. Once again, hear me out. Surely he's in pain. He can't be comfortable. And flushing him down the pipes into the septic tank would be a slow and ugly death. That would be a really CRAPPY thing to do to him.

So I came up with the idea of tossing the floppy little bastid down the sink drain and flipping the switch. At least it would be a quick death, as those things are sharp, fast and mean business! But fear not, as that is not the way that Aloe will meet his demise. I kind of get a chuckle out of my reasoning for NOT doing it, so I will share it with you.

I decided not to go this route, because..... Okay, when you use the garbage disposal you need to keep water flowing to the drain, right? You need to do that because it helps keep what your chopping and disposing of moist and lubricated and choppable. I'm actually not exactly sure why you need to keep the water flowing, I just know that you do. But my answer sounds good doesn't it?

So you need to do that, and if I WERE to go that route, I'd want to place something over the drain (like a plate or something) to both stifle the scream and keep fish bits from flying up onto the light fixture above the sink. After all, who wants to clean pet remnants from a light fixture? And if I do that, water wouldn't be able to go down the drain to keep all the bits of Aloe nice and wet.

So basically Choice B is out because I'm too lazy to clean fish shit off of everything. (Before I go on: yes, I have realized that nothing else splats out of the drain, so why would he. I'm using that as a reason because knowing me, it WOULD happen. That kind of stuff happens to me all the time, and thats a whole 'nother sack of potatos to write about).

Anyway, back to my original train of thought. I was telling my neighbors this, and while her horrified expression was leaving her face, she told me that she had a fish who did the same thing. She googled it on-line and diagnosed that her fish had an (are you ready for this??) Obstructed Bowel.

She said it sounded exactly like what happened to hers, so it boils down to the fact that my fish can't take a shit. How funny is that?? Aloe can't squeeze out a turd! She read that feeding him peas would help, and that she gave him a few every day. And after about 6 months, he righted himself and was better. Wow, 6 months. That must have been some murky water the day he became 'well' again.

I tried giving Aloe some frozen peas but the poor little guy couldn't right himself enough to eat it. He flippered his way over to it and tried, but it was just too big for him.....and then the pea thawed and sank. I then tried thawing them out for him and THEN giving them to him, but they just sank right past his hungry little fishy-face that was desperately trying to get some fiber.

So now I'm at a crossroads. What do I do? I still feed him regular food, but I don't know if it's helping him. The peas cloud up the water faster than you can say "Does this topic really deserve it's own blog?", so I don't want to keep feeding them to him if he's not going to eat them. Should I call the vet and see what she thinks? (You can bet your ass I'm not going to call the vet about a $4.99 fish that I bought out of sheer boredom). Or should I just break down and go to the pet store and see what they think? I'd prefer not to do that, because, well, the kids have fun at the pet store and who am I to bring joy into their lives?

In reality, that's what I'm going to do. Not that they are marine biologists over there at PetSmart, but maybe they have an idea. And if not, we'll welcome home Aloe Jr.

Hapy 1st Birthday Babycakes!

2007-12-29T07:43:00.001-05:00

My Eloquence comes through for me, yet again.

2007-12-06T13:29:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, but I really haven't had much to say. But lucky for you, something happened to me today that is blog-worthy...or at least I think you will get a kick out of it.

So I pick the Rock-Star up from preschool and we hit dunkin' donuts before heading over to the RV store to pick up a cover for our camper. Now, there are several DnD's that I frequent. This one is part of a gas station that is near an entrance to the highway, so it's my go-to one when travelling.

I get to the window and begin to order. I kid you not how this went. This is our conversation, verbatim:

ME: "Extra Large Green Tea with skim milk only, please". I say 'only' so they don't even have to ask if I want sugar. No, I don't.

GIRL: What do you want in your tea????

ME: Skim milk only, please.

GIRL: You want milk in your tea????

ME: Yes please.

GIRL: Why do you want milk in your tea? Does that even taste good?

This is where my eloquence comes into action. I wanted to show her in some way that I was displeased with her line of questioning, yet not be rude because there are ALL sorts of things she could do to my drink.

ME: Dude!

Way to go, Captain Thesaurus.

GIRL: Okay, DUUUUUUDE (obviously making fun of me). Milk in your Tea. Do you want anything else?

I then proceeded with the rest of my order. I also got a drink for Ian and a piece of fresh fruit for him...because that's what they have at YOUR dunkin' donuts, right? I mean, I wouldn't get him any of the conventional crap that they serve.

When I got up to the window I was annoyed. There were a few girls wearing the headsets, so I couldn't easily pick out who led the Inquisition. I would understand if I ordered a coffee with monkey piss or if I asked her to drop a deuce in my hot chocolate, but c'mon. I kept looking at those with headsets but no one acknowledged our little exchange of Shakespearian dialogue.

Tea with milk, it's not that friggin' odd. Speaking of odd and for those who are wondering, yes I do have the same quirk with tea as I do with coffee. For those that DON'T know, here is my quirk:

If I am at home, in a restaurant, or somewhere else where you can just sit and chill and have a cup of coffee in a ceramic mug I drink it black. If I go to Interrogation Donuts, or 7-11 or somewhere else that serves coffee in the paper or styrofoam cups I drink it with milk. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it may be to cool it down a bit. I don't remember starting this or following any line of reasoning. But its the way I do it, and as we all know, change is bad.

Okay, thats really it for today. So if we meet up anytime soon, please excuse my floppy tongue, primitive grunts and chest thumping as I'm sure I'll be unable to adequately hold a basic conversation using more than two syllable words.

26.2: Check!

2007-11-25T20:34:00.000-05:00

Been there, done that. Just kidding! Here is the story behind my experience at the Philadelphia Marathon:

Saturday night I checked the weather several times, and it was calling for rain throughout the whole day. That started to seriously bum me out, because I was hoping for perfect race day conditions as I didn't want to be waterlogged even before starting, thus starting cold and wet...didn't sound fun to me!

But then I remembered a conversation I had with a running buddy the week before and he said to just remember: no matter what you're going through, every other runner is dealing with too. That kind of put my mind at ease a bit and thus took a c'est la vis approach to it: can't do anything about it, so fuck it!

We were staying at my brothers house from the Friday before the race til the day after Thanksgiving. As you may know, our kids tend to be horrible sleepers, so on the eve of the race I opted to sleep on the living room couch. It was comfy, dark and quiet. That means Muy Bueno! It took about 15min to fall asleep, but once I did, I slept soundly until my cell phone alarm went off at 4:10am.

Race time was 7am, but I wanted to get there a lot earlier to scope out the weather conditions and make a game time decision as far as what to wear. I got up plenty early to get a decent meal in me and allow my body plenty of time and opportunity to, shall we say evacuate, in a nice, warm home-like environment.

My sister-in-law drove me into the city, and we left around 5:30 to give us time to get a parking spot and get to the race area.

We got to the starting area around 6:30, but wouldn't you know it I had to um, evacuate, a second time...nerves I guess. So I hopped in line and waited 15 minutes or so.

After the bathroom Erin and I were looking to see what all of the other runners were wearing and it was kind of split down the middle. A lot were wearing shorts and short-sleeved shirt or long sleeved shirt. Others had pants and long sleeved shirt.

I had already dressed in shorts, long pants, long shirt and short sleeved shirt over it. Erin had written my name on the front of my short sleeved shirt (AWESOME idea by the way!!!), so I knew I was going to wear that on top. But my dilemma was whether or not I should go with the pants.

I was pretty chilly even while wearing them, and since there were plenty of other people wearing pants I decided to stick with them...also because my bib (For you non-running folks, the 'bib' is that paper with your race number or ID on it) was already pinned to them, so it would have been a pain to change it.

So I also had a hat and gloves with me, that I decided to bring...Again, I already had them on and was chilly, so it wouldn't hurt to start with them..I could always ditch them later if it warmed up and I didn't want to carry them.

So Erin bode we farewell and good luck and I lined up with the 5hr pace group. I introduced myself to the pacer and then began chatting with a few women and we all decided that we would stick together. No one knew each other previously so it was good: No hard feelings whatsoever if someone wanted to push ahead or fall behind.

The race started and away we went! Mile 1 went down the Ben Franklin Parkway and then snaked through some streets. There was a lot of dodging sweatshirts, hats gloves and whatnot that were just thrown straight to the ground. A lot of people threw them off to side, but I was surprised how many just dropped them where they were, right in the way of thousands of people behind them.

Mile 1: 10:26. That kind of surprised me, as it was a good 40 seconds ahead of what the pacegroup wristband said we would do the first mile in. But I shrugged it off as maybe the pacer was just banking some time for later in the race.

Mile 2 was more of the same as far as dodging clothes. I kept my hat & gloves on and just kept grooving along. Mile 2 time: 10:44.

Mile 3 found a water stop and shortly thereafter I noticed that i had to pee again. I was VERY surprised as I had already gone several times already. I guess all the water from the previous day was catching up to me....so i veered off to this little area where other people were going and then caught up to my little group. Mile 3: 10:56

Miles 4 & 5 were pretty non-descript. Our little group found ourselves slightly ahead of the 5hr group, but I wasn't too concerned as we were going at an easy pace. I did have a split-second reconsideration, as I knew the pacer would keep his pace, and I should go by that rather than running with three girls, but we were less than a quarter mile in front, so I shrugged it off. Miles 4 & 5: 10:50, 10:54.

Mile 5 included a decent-sized hill and one of the girls in our group started saying that she just wasn't getting into her groove. She said that maybe she tapered TOO much because she wasn't comfortable at all.

I was feeling great, and at the 6mi water station I took a gel because that's what I've been doing on my training runs (taking gels every 6 miles). Mile 6: 10:36.

It was right around this point that the pacer called out my name and waved...letting me (and everyone else in hearing distance) know that I was ahead of the pace group. Looking back, I know he was just looking out for me, since I signed up for his group and he didn't want me to gas early, but at the time I kind of got offended at that. Way to publicly call me out, pal. I just waved back and stayed right where I was. Fuckin' Dicknose.

Mile 7 10:21

Mile 8 included another hill, and a water stop which we walked through so our partner who wasn't having a great day could catch her breath, stretch and get another gel. Mile 8: 11:31

Miles 9-11 were more of the same: slow easy pace, good conversations and still staying within 100yds in front of the 5hr pace group.

Mile 9: 10:47
Mile 10: 11:07
Mile 11: 10:30

Throughout the entire race I was taking my hat and gloves off and putting them back on. We'd be in this one area where the wind was dead, so I'd take them off, but then we'd turn a corner or switch directions and it would pick up and I'd be really chilly. So I'm glad that I never threw them to the ground, I just tucked them into my waistband.

Okay, mile 12 is when the race started to get 'not fun' for me. We were trotting along and all of a sudden I noticed a pain forming on the outside of my right knee. I have occasionally felt 'pressure' there AFTER long runs, but never PAIN during a run.

I tried to shake it off, mentally telling myself that it was just my brain telling me that it wasn't having fun (even though I was VERY comfortable otherwise). No dice. It got bad enough where I was doing a Terry Fox kind of stride. I just started thinking to myself "Good God, no. I'm not stopping. I've been training long and hard for this and to bonk out at 12 measly miles? Fuck you".

Immediately one of the other 3 girls noticed. I was about 3 steps behind them and she kept asking how I was doing. I told her I was doing fine, just hanging back a bit. Almost immediately the girl who never quite got into the race to begin with said she was slowing way down. Apparently she was hitting a wall. So she hung WAY back, while I just slowed down a little to see if I could run through it while staying with the other two girls in the running group.

Mile 12: 10:56
Mile 13: 10:47

We crossed the Half Marathon finish line and people were cheering like CRAZY. I got lots of personal encouragement (remember, I had my name on the front). That got my adrenaline going and I was able to run strongly through the downtown area in no pain at all.

Mile 14: 10:26

In the 15th mile, the brother of one of the girls I was running with hopped in and joined us for a bit. He is a Marine, so we all thanked him for his service and we all began chatting for a bit. He then veered off so he could get back to the rest of his family. Mile 15: 10:23

Mile 16 is where the pain came back, and with a vengence. One of the 2 remaining running partners asked if I wanted some advil. ADVIL? You have advil and didn't tell me about it 4 miles ago??????? WTF?

Of course i wasn't mad at her, and didn't even act like I was. I just graciously said YES! and at the next water stop I grabbed the advil, bid my awesome running partners adieu as at this point I would only slow them down. They wished me luck and ran on, while I took the advil, re-tied my shoes and stopped to stretch for a minute. Mile 16: 11:32

Mile 17 was more of the same: slogg for a bit, then slow to walk/stretch, etc. Mile 17: 12:42

I knew that Allison and the kids, my brother, his two kids and aunt and cousin would see me around mile 20, so I needed to get all this walking and stretching crap out of the way now. I wanted to look good and strong for them.

I started up again and the advil must have kicked in, because my knee felt better. Although it was right around mile 17 that I could feel the heat of a blister forming on the ball of my right foot. GREAT. something else that I have NEVER gotten during a run. But other than that, I felt okay...I mean, I felt good, but I was tired because at this point I had run 17 miles!

Mile 18: 10:16

Mile 19 was probably one of the BEST water stops I've ever encountered: Orange Wedges. Man, those REALLY hit the spot. I mean I didn't know it, but I think i was even craving them because I took a whole handful of them and ate them like there was no tomorrow! Someone was also handing out brownies, so I took a little square of that too.

Mile 19: 10:51

Mile 20 is where I saw my family. Although I was feeling better, it was still AWESOME to see them right before the turnaround. It was exactly the boost and pick-me-up I needed to see my 3.5yr old son yell "Run Daddy Run!". I stopped and posed for pictures for a minute and chatted with my family and a cop who was just standing there too.

I bid them farewell and continued to the turnaround....until Ian yelled for me, so I just HAD to go back and give him another kiss! So after I did the turnaround, I saw them again..I mean not even a minute after I bid them goodbye! I posed for another picture and told everybody I'd see them at the end.

Mile 20: 12:09

Mile 21 found another waterstop with oranges and also in that mile I realized I had to pee again, so found a not-so-well hidden place where others were going and relieved myself. Also, I found it hard to get back into my groove after peeing, so I took a few walk breaks Mile 21: 12:40

In Mile 22 I was doing yet another walk break when I heard a pack of people slogging up behind me and then pass me. It was Captain Dicknose and the 5hr pace group. Ever since he called me out early in the race, I had made it my mission to stay in front of them. DOH!

I NEEDED to beat him. You know what? F this guy. He's not going to beat me. I hopped right in step behind him and re-joined the group. There were probably only 8 people left, and only 2 of them looked better than I felt. So I knew I could keep up.

Mile 22: 11:09

Mile 23: 12:01

The pace group took an extended walk break at the next water station and the pacer gave a bit of a pep talk. We counted down from 10 and began running again. He said we were ahead of schedule, so we'd take the next mile slow.

Mile 24: 12:25.

It was at this point that the pacer said that he was still a little ahead of schedule but HIGHLY encouraged anyone who could push on to do so. He said "if you can go, GO! GO NOW! Don't hang back if you have it in you!".

Well, I'll be if that wasn't the invitation I'd been waiting for. I was going to wait a bit longer before pulling away, but here was my opportunity.

I put my head down, mentally flipped off the pacer, and focused on my breathing. Once I felt my body synch up I looked up and pressed on.

The next two miles were I have to say the hardest two miles I've ever run. I was too close to the finish to walk...F that. I was going to run this thing out..but it took all I had to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I remember thinking at one point that I reasoned not stopping because it took more energy to stop and walk than it did to keep running.

But I kept going and just kept thinking to myself that I'm soooo close to becoming a marathoner. Heck, I was even PASSING people!

Mile 25: 11:05

Mile 26 is when the crowds came back into play. THere was LOTS of cheering and encouragement and THIS is when I was glad that I had my name on my shirt. Spectators would call my name and I would look them in the eye as they told me I looked great and that I was near the finish line.

Mile 26: 10:39

The crowds got bigger and louder and then I saw Erin in the crowd cheering me on. All of a sudden the finish line was in sight. It took all I had, but I managed to pull out a full-on sprint to the finish and raised my arms as I crossed the line.

CHIP TIME: 4:55:03

My goal was to finish between 4:45-5:00 so I managed to pull that out even with the unexpected early 'injury'.

Immediately after the race, runners were treated to cup of hot chicken broth. As soon as I saw that, I can honestly say I got excited! That totally hit the spot and couldn't imagine anything else that I would want to drink at that point in time...a plate of oranges with it would have just been the bees knees!

Post-Race, Erin and I picked up cheesesteaks for everybody from Pats, but then we stopped at Geno's for a cheesesteak for me so I could compare the two. Yeah, that's right: I had two cheesesteaks. Guess what? I rounded out that shit with some cheese fries, probably a third of a pan of brownies and about fourteen beers. I was a freakin' bottomless pit after the race. Not to mention that I was practically completely sober as well as the last one to go to bed that night!

Before the gorgefest though, I took an ice bath before my shower to help with the soreness. Doesn't that sound enticing? It's as horrible as it sounds, but the 10 minutes of agony is worth the relief it provides. In case you can't visualize it, here are my titanic toes in the middle of the ice field:

Before the trip Erin had promised me a massage (she's a massage therapist at the Four Seasons Hotel in Philadelphia) after the race to also help with the soreness and I must confess: I was SOOO looking forward to it. I have only had one professional massage before and that was a few years ago on vacation in Arizona. It was friggin' phenomenal and have been jonesin' for another one ever since. She said she would do it Sunday, but her kids needed soothing back to sleep, so she went and took care of them and then just crashed for the night. I certainly don't blame her.

Monday I woke up with a VERY sore right knee and had a giant blister on the bottom of my right foot. So Erin did what no sister-in-law should EVER have to do: She volunteered to pop that bad boy (the blister, not the knee!). She poked the thing with a safety pin and immediately she was greeted with a spray of blister juice....right in her face. She laughed, and I wanted to as well, but first I had to swallow the puke that had quickly gurgled up and found its way into my mouth. So we bandaged my foot up, I took some Ibuprofin and just kind of hung out and relaxed.

Monday evening Erin set up her massage table and got all the stuff together and told me to hop on. I was treated to the BEST 3 hour massage of my life. I didn't know it would last that long, but let me tell you what a pleasant surprise that was!!!!!

She did a phenomenal job and paid extra attention to my sore knee. Apparently what she did worked, because there is no pain there anymore at all. I was treated to another massage Wednesday night to work out the final kinks and now I feel as good as ever!

I'm a wee bit concerned about the knee in the future, but like I said it's feeling good now so only time will tell.

So I can officially say it: I've run a marathon!

I'm not about to run out and sign up for a spring marathon, but I'm certainly not ruling out future ones. But as expected I think Half Marathons are more my cup of tea. So maybe I'll just sign up for a marathon every OTHER year or so. All I can say right now is that I'm glad the training is over, as is Allison.

The plans for the immediate future is to focus on getting back into the gym on a regular basis to get rid of the flab that has developed due to the lack of dedicated gym time.

I'd like to thank all of you who have supported me and my running, especially you Allison! I certainly couldn't have done it without you and your support, encouragement and occasional kick in the ass to get out there and run on the days that I didn't want to! Thanks to everyone who have ran with me, gave advice, cheered me on and even those who told me to stop running because I'm just going to hurt myself. Well, I take that back. To those people I say: Ha! I did it!

Oh, and one more "bite me" to Pacer Mike. Of course I don't mean that...like I said, I know he was just looking out for me. But thanks for the motivation to finish strong! Without you I could have missed my goal!

T minus 4 Days

2007-11-14T20:29:00.000-05:00

I'm beside myself that the Philadelphia Marathon is just a few short days away. I've been training four and a half months for this puppy, and its just about upon me.

I feel confident about how I will do, barring any unforeseen circumstances. I'm not cocky, by any means, but I think I've trained well enough.

"Well enough" is the operative word here. I was supposed to run 4x per week (Tues-Thurs and a weekend run). Except for the first 3 weeks, I've missed AT LEAST one run per week, sometimes two. The upside is that I never missed the two longer runs of the week, just the short runs mid-week (tues and/or thurs).

Am I concerned it'll affect me finishing? No. Do I think it will affect my potential of finishing faster? Yeah. I don't have any major time goals going into this, just to finish. My soft goal however is to finish between 4:45 - 5hrs. I'm still debating whether I should 'challenge' myself and go for the faster time or just head out, enjoy it and take it slow and finish around 5hrs or whenever.

I'm certainly not going to stress about it or give it too much thought, because after all there will be people crossing the finish line almost 3 hours before me. . Here's to the pokies bringing up the rear!

-------------------------

In other news, Mr. Ian came down with Croup. It all started while Allison was away this weekend. Around 3am Sunday morning, Ian woke up crying. I was already awake and downstairs as Little Miss Sleep-Is-For-Suckers decided around 1:30 that that she was having none of this "eyes-closed and lie motionless" stuff that normal people do in the middle of the night.

So anyway, I went upstairs and Ian was soaked (from sweat, not pee). I changed him and gave him some motrin because he was really warm, and got him back to sleep. Well, that lasted all of an hour. He proceeded to wake up screaming absolute bloody murder around 4 (yeah, Babycakes and I were still up). I heard him through the monitor (which was in the next room) yelling "Daddy!!! Daddy!!!! Where are you???" and then something else.

I ran upstairs and he was friggin hysterical. I can honestly say I don't think I've ever seen him this upset. Actually, I take that back. Maybe when he hurt his arm and ended up getting a cast...but I think he was more upset this past weekend. Anyway, when I got upstairs he kept yelling that he saw ghosts, that they were in the hallway, there was one under the bed, one IN the bed and then he screamed that there was one behind me.

Okay, so I'm gonna take off my 'superdad/nothing-bothers-me' hat for a second. Little Haley Joel Osment over here freaked me the fuck out. Of course I hugged him and reassured him, but I'd be remiss if I didn't admit that I looked around the room. Mostly to try to figure out what Ian saw to make him think there were ghosts, but also to see if I crapped myself for any good reason.

Needless to say he wasn't going back to sleep by himself, and since Leah was downstairs, I brought him down with me. We just chilled on the couch watching TV for the next hour while Leah played on the floor oblivious to the supernatural phenomena going on in our house. I finally got those two yahoos to sleep by 5am and we were sacked out til around 9.

After that, Ian was hoarse, had a barky cough and fever. You could hear him wheezing and tell that he wasn't very comfortable. It was really sad to see him cough and then watch him make a really painful expression on his face. We took him to the pediatrician Monday morning and the doctor confirmed that he did have Croup.

I didn't realize that it could go away rather quickly, as he re-assured us that Ian wouldn't be contagious and could go to school on Thursday. He still has a junky cough every now and again, but the fever is gone and his voice is almost back to normal.

Oh yeah, let me tell you about that. Since Sunday Ian has been complaining that he wants his 'real voice' back. Well, we have a humidifier going in his room and I've been using that as a tactic to get Ian to take a nap. If he balked or asked why he needed to, I just told him that being in the room with the humidifier would help his voice. No joke, he would hop into bed and then get into his little 'sleeping' position (as opposed to the lie on his back and stay awake and ask a million questions position).

Today though, the little weasel tried to tell me that his voice was better. I was able to convince him that he needed just a little more time in there, especially if he wanted to go to school tomorrow. Well, that bought me a 2hr 10min nap. Booyah!

Okay, thats about it. I'll update this puppy with a good race report in a week or so when we get back.

An Open Letter to the Hotel Staff

2007-10-23T12:58:00.000-04:00

Note: What is below is what I usually consider a 'first draft' of my blogs. I spew a bunch of shit and then go back and cut and paste and edit and form it into what you usually read. But since Leah woke up from her nap, and I want to put this up so everyone can read about our hotel experience this weekend, I'll leave it as-is. Enjoy!

This past weekend we traveled to NJ to see some friends and family. I'd like to write an open letter to the staff of the hotel where we stayed. I usually change the name or at least attempt to in a cute and funny way...but I'm kinda pissed, so F it:

Dear Douche Baggy Bags of the Comfort Inn in East Brunswick, NJ:

I'd like to thank your wonderfully incompetent staff for an unforgetable visit to your hotel. Now, wait a minute. Before you go patting each other on the back on a job well done, you bunch of cumguzzlers, let me explain.

It's not 'unforgetable' as in "oh my goodness, I can't believe how great that was. I've never had customer service like that before in my life. Hark! Let me rave to all my friends! Please! Please! Everyone I know, go stay at this enchanted palace!"

No. It's more like "oh my goodness, what a bunch of fuck-ups. Can you believe the lack of intelligence of that sack of shit? Hark! Hey everyone I know, steer the fuck clear of these bumbling jackholes."

So you see, collective staff, my family arrived from Connecticut around 5pm this past Saturday. Since my beautiful princess of a daughter was napping, my wife went inside to check us in while I drove around the parking lot waiting for her. I ended up circling the lot umpteen times because you employ nincompoops at the front desk. She was the only one in there and it still took you guys about 8 minutes to check her in. According to her, the two of you snaggletooths stared at a computer screen for a few minutes silently.

Either you were baffled by the information on the screen or you were watching porn in front of a customer and diddling each other underneath the desk. Apparently you were surprised that a customer uses 'points' for a free night stay. You DO know that your employer offers this, don't you? If you can't handle it, please take this chamois cloth and go wash my car.

While my beautiful bride was checking us in, she requested from YOU, Mr. Dicknose behind the desk, a crib to be put in our room. What was your response? 'Sure' or 'no problem' or whatever you fuckin' monkeys were trained to say at your 'how to be an idiot' class that apparently you were required to attend.

We came back to your hotel slightly after 11pm. I'm going to repeat that, because it will be relevent in the next part: WE CAME BACK TO YOUR FUCKINGGGGG HOTEL SLIGHTLY AFTER 11 PEEEE EMMMMMMMUH.

Because your parking lot is slightly bigger than my ass-crack, we had to park on the opposite end of the building. Common sense (or at least successful hotels) would suggest to put a 2nd entrance to the hotel. But we weren't at a successful hotel, now were we?...No, we were at the (non) comfort-inn in East Brunswick, NJ. So we had to park on the opposite end of the building (Hey Allison, Shhhh. I know it was actually on the side, but it was the last possible spot on the side thus still being a far walk in the wind carrying 2 sleeping kids).

So as I just stated in a side-note that only my wife can read (right?), we carried the sleeping kids from the car to the front of the hotel and inside. Fortunately, our room was right off the lobby...and I mean, right off the lobby. It's the first door past the dining room. It can actually be considered still IN the lobby, it's that close. It's in clear view of everything IN the lobby. So, I get the keycard out of my pocket while holding Ian, and swipe it through.

Nothing. Oh dear God.

Try it again. Nada.

Again. Nope.

Motherfucker. Wait, let me stop here. I understand that these things need to be re-programmed every now and again. I'm cool with that. At this point in the night I just thought it was shitty luck. Now I know it was probably due to assholedness behind the desk.

So we both walk right back to the desk (sleeping kids still in arms) and with our quiet, inside-voices inform your staff (including Captain Dicknose that Allison dealt with before) that our key doesn't work.

At this point I would like to thank Captain Dicknose and Leutenant Bumblefuck for utilizing their observational skills. Oblivious to a sleeping 3 year old draped over my shoulder and a sleeping 10 month old in Allison's arms, you proceeded to use your boisterous outside voices to ask stupid-ass questions.

"oh, your key doesn't work? What room is that?"

The one you JUST saw us try to get into, you asshat! We were within eyesight and there was no one else in the lobby. I saw you watch us come in and go to our room! If you weren't busy cupping your friend's balls, you would have noticed us.

You then proceed to continue to use your "hey lets wake up the kids" voice and ask us 3 times our name, how its spelled and where we were from. Again, YOU WERE THE TWO NUMBNUTS THAT CHECKED US IN!

Anyway, congratulations. You did in fact wake up one of our kids. Fortunately Ian was pretty dazed and asked why we were at the dentist (WTF?) and just put his head back on my shoulder.

We trek back the 15 steps to our room while dummy one and dummy two re-insert their thumbs in their respective asses. We go in, and voila: No crib.

We put the kids down on the bed, and Ian pops up and sits on the edge. I'm pretty pissed at this point. Anyone who knows Ian will tell you that he is King Shitty Sleeper, or at least always has been. Dare I say now that he has taken a turn for the better...but history could rear its ugly head. But I digress.....

So I go back to the front desk and inform that fucking cocksucker that Allison talked to upon check-in that there was no crib in our room and that we requested one. His response? "We'll be there in two minutes".

Two minutes. Two minutes? TWO MINUTES? FUCK YOU AND YOUR TWO MINUTES. You had 6 motherfucking hours to put that (what ended up to be a) piece of shit crib in our room. TWO MINUTES? How about "Oh I'm so sorry sir, we'll be right over with it. I am a complete and totally useless imbicile and moron and have forgotten to take my head out of my ass this evening. Please forgive me for overdosing on my stupid pills this morning" Fuck you for blowing it off like that.

So this cocknocker wheels this crib into our room, leaves it in the center and says "if you need anything else, let me know" and walks the fuck away. HEY ASSHOLE, THANKS FOR HELPING ME SET UP THIS CRIB. YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE IN MY LIFE, BUT YOU DEAL WITH ON A REGULAR, IF NOT DAILY, BASIS? YEAH, THAT ONE, YOU FUCKIN JERKOFF.

I didn't say anything to him at the time because we needed to keep the room as quiet as possible if we wanted any chance of the kids staying/going back to sleep.

So Allison and I fumble with it and get it together with a dazed Ian watching us. It would be too simple if it ended there, right? No sheets. Again I go back to the desk and ask for sheets for the crib (and a blanket for Ian and his blow-up mattress). He goes in the little fucking back room cave there behind his desk and brings back sheets, then asks if I checked the drawers in our room for a blanket.

No, you dumb dick. I did NOT check the drawers in my room for a blanket. I did not do that because MY MOTHERFUCKING KIDS ARE SLEEPING (well, at least one of them was still sleeping. The other one was awake, thanks to you, you fuckin' rimjob).

He goes back to where he just was and gets a blanket. Two trips in the back room. Very efficient, you lumbering sorry sack of moose jism. As he hands it to me, he remarks that if I need any more that I should check the drawers.

I don't think I have ever wanted to shit down someones throat so bad in my life.

Fortunately thats about all the rediculousness/insanity for the night. Allison was able to transfer Leah to the crib, we were able to blow up Ian's mattress and get him back to sleep, and we were able to go to sleep.

By the way, clueless staff of the hotel, here are a few other things we experienced in the morning:

*No hot water for oatmeal at breakfast. We were told that someone else had already complained to you. Everyone was still waiting for hot water.

*Crappy coffee. Hey man, I take my coffee VERY seriously in the morning. DON'T fuck with my coffee.

*Shitty French Toast Sticks. Even my son wouldn't eat them.

*Plenty of stuff to make fresh waffles, but nothing to put on them. Way to go, kitchen staff!

*No sign identifying the foods. The cheerios you had were honey nut cheerios, not plain. Babies can't have honey, fuckwads.

*The breakfast you had served was Friday's breakfast...at least according to the menu you had posted on the wall. This was Sunday morning. Either you serve your customers two day old food or your cooks can't read. I'm sitting on the fence as far as deciding which was the case.

I was thinking Saturday night that I should complain to you. After all, how are you going to know that you're stupid unless I point it out to you...right? I mean, c'mon, after all, you ARE stupid! Well, I was too pissed off, so I decided to sleep on it.

Sunday morning I was still pissed off, but Ian was getting antsy and punchy so we kind of high-tailed it out of there to continue on to the next leg of our journey. You know how I let you know I was pissed? I didn't say 'thank you' or 'good morning' or even make eye contact with you upon checkout. As a matter of fact, I had my WIFE do it while I went and got the car. Yeah, take THAT bitches.

So in conclusion, management staff that is working hard at running a brand new hotel into the ground, your operation blows goats. Congratulations, I will not come back to your establishment. And I beg all 4 of my readers to consider the same!

Sincerely,

The Toddler Chasin', Diaper Changin' Maniac

Last Weekend ; Things preschoolers dream of

2007-10-10T14:50:00.000-04:00

So I previously told you that I was going to spend the majority of last weekend away at a golf tournament and running a half marathon. Well, thats exactly what I did and I had a friggin blast.

The tournament was a memorial tourney for a friend who had died unexpectedly several years ago. This was the 4th year that the tournament was held and a fun time was had by all! It was a 4-man scramble format (for you non-golfers, that means that all 4 people in your group hit a ball and you decide which one you want to play...then you all go and hit from that spot and decide which one is the best, etc).

It was fun because it was only the 3rd time this year I broke out the sticks, so there was no pressure to do well. But I did manage to kick some serious ass. Well, not really kick ass, but I had some excellent shots and it was the best I've played this year. Unfortunately I don't have any more golf outings on the books until April when we're taking a 'guy's golf weekend' down in Florida.

So it was fun to get out there and play some golf and hang out with guys I haven't seen in years.

----------------------

After golf I headed up to Kara & Tommy's to spend the night before the Boston Half Marathon. I won't go into boring details (unless you're a runner, then I'll give ya our mile splits), but the abridged version is that Kara and I had no expectations going into the race. We weren't going to 'race' it, just use it as a long-run since we're both training for marathons.

We started off nice and slow, deliberately keeping it at a slowish pace and not trying to pass people and worry about time. We got to the last few miles and decided to pick it up since we both had a good amount of energy left and finished with a good kick and a fast mile and a half. We both clocked in at 2:11 and change.

I'm super happy with the run because:

a)it was a lot of fun
b)it was good running weather (cool, breezy with some misting rain)
c)our time was pretty damn good! Although it was about 2 minutes slower than my personal best, it was a good 3 minutes faster than my first half marathon which was exactly 364 days earlier.

It was only 3 minutes faster than last year, but our (well, at least my) conditioning is so much better. I made a comment to Kara during the run that the hills didn't seem as bad as they were last year. Kara also pointed out to me that last year I told her that I wouldn't be talking on the hills and just focus on breathing and making it up them (which I vividly recall)...but this year, I was doing all the talking on the hills. Those factors, plus that it was a deliberate slow run made it a VERY successful run in my book! Thanks for the great run, Kara!

Oh yeah, one more thing. Right around mile 4 I felt that familiar warm friction feeling upon my left nipple. I did put on liquid band-aid in the morning, which I had success with on my previous 2 long runs (15 and 16 miles)...but apparently it didn't work on Sunday.

Mile 4 there was a little pink stain. Mile 6.5 found Kara laughing at the red mark and asking me if I wanted to stop at the medical bus that we were about to pass. Mile 13.1 found Tommy blurting out "Jesus Don, what happened? Did you get shot?"

Of course I took a picture of the carnage...The picture is from later that night, so the blood had settled into the shirt, so its not fresh and the deep red color that 3,500 other people saw that day...but you get the jist of it:

And yes, it did hurt like a mother. But only when I was running into the wind or taking a shower. How much did it hurt? Enough to make a grown man whimper for his mommy.

--------------------------

This weekend I'm signed up to run the Hartford Half Marathon, but will be banditing the Marathon course instead. I'm scheduled to do 18 miles, and was planning on doing 5 miles before the HM started. Well, I talked to Kara last weekend and she convinced me to just run the Marathon route and stop at the 18 mile point.

It feels weird going into it KNOWING that I'm not finishing, but then again, its just a training run for me. I could barely walk after 16 miles 2 weeks ago, but didn't do any mid-week runs between and probably could have hydrated better the few days leading up to it. I'm not making that mistake this time! Wish me luck!

---------------------------

Ian keeps talking about the game "Hungry, Hungry Hippo". He picked it out as a birthday gift for 2 of his friends and has been saying for weeks that he wants to ask Santa for it.

Well, he came down from his nap today and announced that it's Christmastime. I told him it wasn't and tried explaining the concept of time and winter and months and blah blah blah. No joke, he looked at me and said that Santa told him that it was christmas time. WTF?

He said that Santa rang his "grey" bell and said that it was Christmastime so Ian asked him for Hungry Hungry Hippo and Santa said yes. I asked him when this happened and he said 'just now'. So deductive reasoning tells me thats what Ian dreamed about today.

So it's official: It's Christmas time.

Well, if we're going on that kind of logic, it's also official that I defiled the Swedish Women's Olympic Volleyball Team.

Fast Frog, Faster Car

2007-10-04T14:30:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I find this so funny, but I do. The following two pictures are of what's at the end of our driveway.

If you can't out-run (out hop?) a japanese half-sized SUV, then you don't deserve to live. Notice the legs bent back over near his head. Survival of the fittest, baby:

The right thing to do would to take the mangled carcass off our driveway and huck it into the woods or something, right? Yeah, that would be the right thing to do. Kermit is still sitting at the end of our driveway (I took the pictures yesterday afternoon).

He'll get a proper and respectful catapulsion (is that even a word?) into the trees when I get around to it. Until then, let the flies buzz around him joyfully mocking his lifeless body.

Ok, since you made it this far, I'll put a picture up of Ian goofing around the other night at Target in the halloween costume aisle:

As you can clearly see, I have absolutely nothing of substance to say today. Ian has been loving school and apparently has been behaving okay. Although the teacher told Allison when she dropped Ian off today that they were going to talk about 'time-out's' today. Sounds like some of the kids are a wee bit rambunxious.

When I picked Ian up after school the teacher told me that only one kid got a time out today. And it wasn't even Ian, thank you very much, but apparently he was close.

The weekend is shaping up to be a good one for me. I have a memorial golf tournament for a friend of mine on Saurday and the Boston Half Marathon on Sunday. That means almost an entire weekend of being kid-free. Oh, the horror of it all! I say that now, but I'll miss them by halfway through the round on saturday.

Well, maybe by the time I'm driving home Sunday afternoon.

First Day of Preschool (kind of)

2007-09-25T10:10:00.000-04:00

Well, we just got back from Ian's first day of school. It wasn't really his first day, but more of a meet & greet. You may recall, Ian is part of the Childhood Development Program at the High School, so in the room were: 10 preschoolers, 20 parents, 20 high school kids (each preschooler gets 2 high school 'buddies') and the teacher. Good thing it is a VERY large classroom, but there was plenty of room for the kids to all play and meet each other.

It was really cool walking in because you could see how excited the high school students were to meet their charges. We walked in the door and the teacher asked Ian his name, so he replied and the two girls who were assigned to him came up and introduced themselves to him and to us and they both started playing with Ian.

He had no problem whatsoever adjusting to the atmosphere. Within 3 minutes he had a police helmet on (with the shield), and his two buddies had a firemans helmet and a chef hat. After about 20 minutes the HS students had to go to their next class, so then the preschoolers got to meet their OTHER set of buddies. (the meet & greet wasn't at the normal school time, Ian will get about an hour with each class of kids).

I got to spend a minute or two with each set of buddies just giving them the general rundown on Ian. The biggest thing I wanted to let them know was about Ian's speech: He doesn't say 'S' or a few other letters. I just gave them examples of what words containing those letters would sound like. They'll be able to pick up on it fairly quickly, but I just wanted to give them the heads up.

The teacher we met last year moved away this summer, so this new one kind of got thrown into the mix. She seemed nice enough, but she is kind of a scatterbrain. Allison's hairdresser's daughter is in one of the classes and she has said the same thing about her, so I was on the lookout for it today. I'll give her some slack, but here is an example of her being kind of all over the place: She had said in a letter last month that she'd hand out a schedule during this meet & greet. Someone asked for it and here is her answer why she didn't have it, verbatim: "Yesterday I sent two students to the store, they got hung up so I couldn't print out the schedule this morning". What the hell does that mean? Obviously the kids aren't attending Harvard, so it really doesn't matter...but I think that shows the lack of preperation of even the most basic things.

Overall, I think Ian's gonna have a great time at school and will enjoy all the students. By the way, the preschoolers are split down the middle: 5 boys, 5 girls. We even ran into a couple that we met during our Birthing Class with Ian. The dad was there checking his blackberry every minute (no exaggeration), and the mom was busy with the nanny handling their 3 month old daughter. The dad even mentioned something about the nanny "We both work, but we make sure someone is home with our daughter.". Jeez. I should have said "Yeah, there are lots of people home with Ian too: Clifford, Curious George, Diego......"

And on the potty training front, everything is going AWESOME. He tells us if he has to go, even if he's watching a show, he'll say "daddy, I gotta go potty...I gotta poop!" and then run to the bathroom. He also like to pee standing up, like daddy.

He's had some accidents here and there, but hey're few and far between and whats even better is that he gets bummed and bothered by them. Today, when the first group of kids left to change classes I mentioned to Allison that it was a good time to show Ian where the bathroom was, and to take him as it had been awhile. As I was walking over to get him, he went up to the teacher and said "excuse me, I have to go potty". WOO HOO!!!! So I took him, but he didn't go. Hehe, Ian's pee-shy! But Allison took him again later and he went.

So overall, today was a good morning and Ian is gonna have a BLAST at school!

What I learned today on my run.

2007-09-22T20:20:00.000-04:00

Today I had a 15 mile training run, which was the furthest distance I've ever covered. Before this, my furthest run was a half marathon, 13.1 miles.

So what did I learn today on my run? That 15 miles is a long fuckin' way. And 26.2 miles is a hell of a lot further than that....and to be honest, I'm a wee bit nervous.

I felt good up til about 11.5 miles, then my feet started to get heavy and the humidity began to take it's toll. It's been 2 weeks since I've run even 13 miles, so my body didn't quite remember what to do at that point in time. But afer all, I was able to get my mental game in order and got through it. I ended up walking from 13.68 miles to 13.88 miles, but other than that and 4 water stops, I chugged along the entire time.

I actually kept a pretty consistant pace, except for that 14th mile there. So in reality, it was a really good run. It just felt tough those last few miles. I'm very stoked that I've now covered that kind of distance, but its nowhere NEAR what I'll be facing in oh, just 8 weekends from now.

I have 8 weeks to prepare this lumbering shell of a body of mine to go 11.2 MORE miles than what I did today. Well, if we want to get technical, I only have 3 more runs that are longer than what I did today....and the longest one of them being 20 miles. That means that come race day, I'll have 6.2 miles of unchartered territory to cover. That's 6.2 miles above and beyond only one run of 20 miles that I will have previously done. Am I fookin' high???

I'm pretty damn nervous about it now that I know what a 15 mile run feels like. But after thinking about it today after the run, I know I'll be fine considering several factors:

A) I'm not the first person in the world to run a marathon 13 months after running my first half marathon. Other people have done it, some who probably were in worse shape, so I know I can do it.

B) Today I only stopped for water 4 times. If you really care, they were at miles 3.8, 5.0, 10.0 and 11.2. The marathon will have 12 water stops...thats 12x I can grab some water, walk a bit and gather myself. In 15 miles, there would have been 6 water stops and a 7th just half a mile later. So today I 'rested' less than I would have on the marathon course. (side note: I know that I don't HAVE to run the whole thing, but I have discovered that if I walk at any point other than water stops, mentally its THAT MUCH tougher to not stop again just .25 miles down the road. I try to only use walking as a last resort.)

C) Dispite my Nervous-Nellyishness, I know that I'll be fine and that I can do it. Even if I have to walk at times other than the water stops, which I understand is most likely going to happen. Even though my race history shows that I'm good at just plugging along mid-race, 26.2 miles is a whole new ball of taint hair. (you thought I was going to say wax, didn't you? Thats right, I said taint hair. I'm here to keep your eyes from getting too comfortable and keep them on their little eyeball toes).

D) Running longer distances is as much about conditioning your mind to handle the abuse, as it is your body. This was told to me by a runner-friend and I certainly understand now and believe it. But I know that I will prevail because I'm much stronger psychologically now than I have been previously. I obviously can't say I can condition myself for 20 miles, as I haven't run that distance yet.

Even though I wanted to stop and walk around mile 9.5, I know I didn't have to. I also got the urge around 12.5 but I kept on going. I know people say to listen to your body...fuck that. My body was trying to take the easy way out, but I wouldn't let it. In runs past, I would have easily obliged. But it wasn't as hard as I thought today to just tune out and listen to my feet hit the pavement and focus on my breathing. When I do that, I'm unstoppable.

So for those reasons and more, I know that I'm gonna kick ass in Philly.

not-so poopypants

2007-09-21T16:47:00.001-04:00

We just had a breakthrough in the potty-training department.

I was filling in some nail holes on the garage door trim when Ian blurts out "daddy, I have to go poopy!" He runs into the downstairs bathroom, drops trough, drops on on pot and drops a few logs.

This is friggin' HUGE for us. Usually Ian will just casually lean against the coffee table to take the weight off his feet and quietly squeeze out some odoriferous waste products. I don't actually know that he's taking the weight off his feet. For all I know, he's applying abdominal pressure to help work out all thats in there...kinda like squeezing the last bit of remnants out of a tube of toothpaste.

Yeah, kinda like that.

Either way, that's his usual M.O....but not today! I made a HUGE deal out of it and we even called mommy on speakerphone to tell her our great news. It would have been better if SHE had US on speakerphone!

What made this whole thing even better is that Ian said that he started to poop in his underwear (no evidence though) but then realized that he should go on the potty. Fuckin' A. I don't want to get too far ahead of ourselves here, but school IS starting on Tuesday. I think Ian was just toying with me and playing headgames all summer.

-------------------------

In other news, my Marathon training is going well. I have my first ever 15 mile run tomorrow morning. I have yet to run anything over a half marathon (13.1 miles), but I know if I take it slow and easy it won't be a problem.

Oh my, how life is changed. On Friday afternoons I used to call up my friends and we'd talk about what bar we'd meet at and proceed to get annhililated. Now I"m blogging to anonymous (and not so anonymous) friends about my son's methods of shitting himself and how I'm running like an antelope out of control.

Have a great weekend, and don't forget: It's fun to poop on the potty!

It's his potty and he'll go if he wants to.

2007-09-07T15:21:00.000-04:00

There may be hope for us yet on the potty-training front.

As you may (or if you're getting old like me, may not) remember, we gave up potty training several weeks ago because it was a losing battle. Ian had no desire what-so-ever and couldn't care less if there was crap in his underwear.

Well yesterday, while wearing a pullup even, he told me he wanted to poop on the potty. yeehah! He didn't though, just peed, but hell that's a start!!

And just this morning, out of the complete blue, he told me he wanted to wear underwear because he wanted to "go to school and learn". Looks like I'm starting the process all over again:
*Dragging him (and most likely Leah) to the potty every 30 min no matter where we are
*Hauling 3 changes of clothes wherever we go
*Carrying the portable potty in & out of my car as often as I do Ian

But hey. If Ian is on board with us now, I'm all for it! Maybe 3rd time is the charm.

----------------------

Oh, Allison: hurry home. Leah is thisclose to crawling.

When fingers aren't enough...

2007-08-15T15:23:00.001-04:00

This just taken 10 minutes ago. I guess a good daddy would have tried to stop this. Me? I grab my cell phone.

When fingers just won't do. Twice the goods in half the time!

Letter to our cleaning service...

2007-08-14T14:33:00.000-04:00

First of all, yes, we have a cleaning service. They come in twice a month and do all the crap that Allison and I hate to do...you know, clean. They clean the bathrooms, vaccuum, dust (sometimes), and generally straighten up.

A little background. We started using the service last year when my student loans got paid off. We looked into it and the service was less than what we were paying for the loans, so hell, we hadn't seen that money in 10 years, why not spend some of it to make our lives easier. This past Christmas Allison's mom paid for our service for all of 2007, which was a great surprise. It blew both of us out of the water.

Right off the bat I asked that they don't come in the middle of the day (between Noon and 2:30), because thats when Ian (and now Leah) nap. Well, lunch, storytime and THEN nap. One of the owners (it's a husband & wife who own the franchise) acknowledged my request and said it wasn't a problem. They listened for a week....

I then called and asked again. They didn't honor my request. I called the branch the following week and spoke to the WIFE. It worked for awhile, but after a few weeks they started showing up in the middle of the day, several times RIGHT as I was putting Ian and/or Leah down for a nap.

So I then told the cleaners themselves of my request. They were genuinely surprised, saying that the owners never told them of such a thing. Again after a few weeks they stopped honoring my request.

Today I came home at 12:30 from being out and about all morning and the cleaners were still here. Leah had been asleep for 10 minutes, so this was the breaking point as to whether she would transfer still asleep into the house. I drove around for 10 minutes and came back home and they were still here.

I was fucking fuming. So I parked in front of the house and just sat there while Leah proceded to wake up (unlike Ian, she'll wake up within 5 minutes of the car stopping). 10 minutes later the cleaners packed up their car and left. I fake smiled and waved to them.

Below is the letter that I just sent to them through their website...I changed the company and owners names to protect the ever-so-guilty....or at least not-so-innocent:

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Cockface,

I am sending you this comment through OurServiceBlowsMonkeyNuts's website because efforts to make this request via phone (and in person to the cleaners) apparently falls on deaf ears.

I have asked you, Mr. Fucktard, twice and once to Mrs. KnobGobbler on the phone about our request to NOT have service in the middle of the day (between Noon and 2:30pm).

At least twice since then, I have turned your cleaners away when they showed up around 1pm. The first time they seemed surprised, so I didn't blame them, but let them know of our request. The second time I just politely asked them to come back later in the day. Several more times I have come home after 12:30 and the cleaners were still at the house, so I needed to drive away.

The reason that this is such an issue for me (as I have probably told everybody that works in your branch) is that the middle of the day is when my kids nap. One sleeps okay in the car, but the other one doesn't, so I NEED them to both sleep in their beds to get a good nap. To be honest, the reason behind my request doesn't matter. What matters is that I made the request and was assured it wouldn't be a problem...but it is.

The only reason that I have not cancelled our service with you is because my Mother-In-Law paid for our service for 2007. We are happy with the cleaning job that you do, but it irritates the living daylights out of me to be ignored as I have been, when I have been told that my request is 'not a problem'.

Is the request a problem? If it is, please let me know and I will begin searching for another service for January. If it's not a problem, lets do what we have to to ensure that my request is fulfilled.

If we have to switch to another day besides Tuesday to make sure I don't get service in the middle of the day, that's fine. If we have to be the very first or very last client of the day, that's fine. Or anything in between, that's fine. I am simply requesting (for the last time) that the cleaners not be at my home betweein 12:00pm and 2:30pm on the scheduled day of service.

As I said, I like the service that you provide, but I have a VERY hard time believing that "the corporate office felt strongly that from the beginning, we have demonstrated the importance of caring for each and every client", as is stated on your website.

Mr. Donkeyballs and Mrs. Floppytits, please let's work together so we can maintain a long and happy business relationship.

Sincerely,

The Toddler Chasin', Diaper Changin' Maniac.

Ian's first major Injury!

2007-08-07T15:06:00.000-04:00

I won't tell too much of the story, because Allison did over at http://dupreesgal.blogspot.com/.

But we went to Ian's Doctor yesterday because Ian still wasn't right with his arm. He agreed that it was something more than the Nursemaid's elbow diagnosed at the hospital. So today the kids and I went to the Children's Hospital to see the orthopedist.

Ian was WAY nervous beforehand, because all the doctors have made him move his arm and poked and prodded him. These doctors today were great, moving his arm as little as possible and were gentle with him. The Xray technician was a pro and kept Ian in a good mood throughout.

The Doctors concensus is that it could be a broken elbow (nondisplaced supracondylar fracture for you geeky types). But he couldn't really tell. And the only way to tell for sure is to put a cast on it, and check xrays again in 2 weeks to see if anything has healed.

So that is exactly what he did. Ian chose a color and the doctor wrapped up his arm. I was really nervous at first as to how Ian would take having a cast on....but of course he friggin loves it. Granted its only been a few hours, but he was showing EVERYONE in the hospital his new cast.

Now all I have to do is keep him away from sand and water for the next 2 weeks! We have an appointment to get it off and take some Xrays for the day we go down to the beach for our vacation, so it'll be perfect timing!!!

Allison also already posted the picture, but since I took it and this is MY territory, it's going up here too!!!

Camping trip recap

2007-08-06T09:19:00.000-04:00

Last weekend Ian & I went with our friend Greg to a music festival in upstate NY (near Albany). It's a festival (Camp Creek!) that I've been to several times before, but never thought I would bring a kid to. I only say that because I was never in the mindset of bringing a kid there. But last time I went (about 2 years ago) I noticed they had a 'quiet' camping area for families and had activities for kids in the open field near the main stage.

I decided to take Ian this year because he digs live music and there would be plenty of kids to keep him occupied.

So last Friday we loaded our gear, hooked up the camper to my car, and set off for 3 days of fun! I went into it knowing I wouldn't actually 'see' much music and it was more about the experience of going there with Ian. And that's exactly how it turned out. We pulled onto the property where the festival was being held and Ian took immediately to the 'security' staff (bikers) and they even gave him a baseball glove while they searched our car and camper. (Normal procedure, they don't allow glass of any kind).

We find a spot in a field along the treeline to set up the camper and immediately Ian began playing with Nicole, a 5 year old next to us. After that point, it was hard keeping Ian by our camper because all he wanted to do was find Nicole or any other kid around.

All weekend all we did was play with toys, kids or walk around watching a band for a few minutes or taking a walk in the vending area. Below are some pictures from the weekend:

This is AniCorne Skywalker on friday evening. The sky opened up with a huge thunderstorm about 15 minutes after the camper was completely set up, so of course we had to break out Ian's new poncho (and no, we didn't go out in the thunderstorm, this was after the thunder and lightning passed:

This is Ian in his new Jerry shirt. I swear he's the one that picked it out, he loved the hand print on it!

This is Ian playing with his new lightsaber with his friends on Saturday evening. I wasn't keen on getting him any type of sword, but they were inexpensive enough and the kids were actually really careful about not hitting each other with them (for the most part!)

This is Ian Sunday morning exiting the camper in his new Tye Dye. He actually wanted to buy a hemp dress, but I convinced him that this might fit him better!

Prince Ian at the kids tent

Ian & his honeycakes gal pal, Nicole after not seeing each other for like, 45 minutes:

Duck & Cover

2007-07-03T22:16:00.001-04:00

Duck & Cover? Why 'duck & cover', you may ask. Well, my dear friends, it's because it's raining. Oh, it ain't raining water though...that would be too easy and not blog-worthy. It's much worse than that.

Here in my happy little world, it's raining F-bombs. It's raining F-bombs like you can't even imagine. It's not a T-storm...its a great big F-storm. And this guy right here is getting all soaked.

I'll start this off by saying the past several weeks have been very hard on me. Both kids have honestly made me re-think my desire to stay home with them on a full-time basis. Ian with his continual bad behavior, not to mention towards some other kids. There used to be some sort of predictibility: Either he was hungry or tired, or it was usually with just the boys, or it was generally with smaller (18mo-2yrs) kids, or only being less than nice to kids he knows/is comfortable with. All that is out the window...he's randomly downright rotten to some children and it bugs the shit out of me. But I mean, c'mon, who wants to see their kid be a douche bag and be mean to people?

He also has a newfound love for dragging bedtime on longer and longer...his downright refusal to go to sleep is oh-such a joy! Fer chrisssakes, close your eyes, recharge your batteries and get ready to raise some more hell tomorrow morning!!!

And Leah with her desire to not let me do anything without holding her. In the beginning of the morning, she's okay playing with toys, but after she gets fed up with that, she is a total pain in the ass the rest of the day.

She won't tolerate toys for more than, say 2 minutes without emitting the most obnoxious/annoying whine/shrill I think I've ever heard....well, besides Ian not getting HIS way, but that is actually comical. Whenever he doesn't get something he wants, he immediately declares it as his 'favorite' thing or part of the day. Even if it's something he's never done before.

Allison thinks I'm crazy, but Leah is totally different with me than she is with her. She'll sit there and play nicely next to Allison for any stretch of time. But me? I play with her for awhile and then try to feed my firstborn? You would think I stuck a fork in her eye.

I think she'll become more easily distracted once she can eat solid foods and begin snacking on cheerios and other Godsends. Hey, honey, bored and can't have me? Here, eat something! Thats not leading her down the wrong path later in life, is it?

I know these are normal phases that the kids are going through, and it will pass. Knowing that helps me get through the days and weeks without pulling my (or the kids') hair out. It has been a rough patch, but overall, I know I got a good thing going being able to stay home with my kids.

I know that if I throw in the towel and go back to work right now, I WILL regret giving up on the opportunity to watch my kids grow up firsthand...Yeah, that and I will feel like a complete asshole for bailing on my kids when the going got tough. The kids just wear me down with watching Ian like a hawk because he's gonna bitch-slap some kid for not letting him go down the slide first...and Leah being pissed at me because I have to use two hands to punish Ian!

So here I am, sticking it out. Each day is a new day for the kids to piss me off...I mean each day is a new day for us to have fun together!!!!

Anyhoo, thats the backstory of why the past few weeks have been downright sucky for me. Now onto the direct result of my stretch of shitty weeks.

Apparently my brain filter has been malfunctioning recently, because Ian's new favorite word is fuckin'. Looking back, um, I know exactly where he has heard the word being used repeatedly, reinforcing it's position in his vocabulary.

I actually forget the first few times he said it. But Allison and I decided that we would just ignore it and let it run it's course. Because as you may know, Ian is the type of kid to just hammer on something if he knows he's not supposed to.

I'm sure you'd like a few examples as to how Ian uses that parent-cringing word:

This past Thursday we were leaving a friend's house and Leah's bib fell out of my backpack. Well, Ian noticed it as he was climbing into his carseat. He sat there, buckling himself in and said to me as I was putting Leah in the car: "Daddy, don't forget the fuckin' bib." He was even nice enough to point to it as he was saying it to show me where it was.

Later that day Ian was riding his bike in the driveway and got stuck on a little stick, so I gave him a little push. This is how Ian said 'thank you': Daddy, let go of my fuckin' back!.

Would you like more?

Just today, I was helping Ian open a gate at a playground. I was pretty sure that Ian didn't want assistance when he blurted out: Daddy, I can open it on my fuckin' own!

Let me tell you how it warms my heart to hear my firstborn, my own flesh and blood start a sentence in his own innocent little voice with "Daddy"....and to hear him end it with "on my fuckin' own".

OK, this is getting depressing, so only one more example...and this is probably the funniest one too. We were at a children's birthday party on Sunday (can ya just feel it now?) and Ian had an 'accident'. So Allison went up to the bathroom and changed him (he was already in a pull-up, so no big mess) and Allison started talking to him about going to the bathroom:

Allison: "Now Ian, when you have to go to the bathroom, when you have to pee or poop, where should you go?"

Ian: "On the fuckin' potty!"

She said she did her best at containing herself until she heard the father of the birthday boy outside the door burst out laughing.

Obviously our strategy of ignoring it isn't working...granted, it's only been a week or so, but that's long enough for me. I had a little chat with Ian the other day about that word and how its bad and daddy won't say it anymore and neither will Ian. I reprimand him when he says it, but will begin giving timeouts and make the punishments harsher until he learns its not worth saying anymore. I'm just cringing everytime he opens his mouth at the playground now.

Let me just tell you how I'm waiting with baited breath to hear Leah's first word.

Okay, thats enough for tonight. I'm tired, so I'm going to fuckin' bed.

Ians Party & the Boys Camping Trip

2007-06-14T21:12:00.000-04:00

Allison already blogged about Ian's birthday, so I won't go into too much detail about it, besides what I promised: And thats watching Buzz Lightyear poop candy.

As you may or may not know, Ian is completely obsessed with the Toy Story characters. So we decided to throw Ian a "Buzz" party. Included in the Buzz Lightyear package that Allison ordered was a Buzz Pinata.

While everyone was eating, I hung up the pinata, which is Buzz Lightyear with his hands on his hips giving the funniest/creepiest ear-to-ear grin. Kinda like the big bowling pin at the kids fair, but since it was BUZZ, Ian looked beyond that.

I hung it in the garage since it was rainy and wet outside. After everyone ate, Allison wrangled up all the kids and brought them down to commence the Lightyear bashing. . Long story short, all the kids took turns whacking the hell out of the thing with no success. A few kids even slipped on the floor (because bubbles were spilt earlier which made part of the floor a little slick). After everyone had a turn or two, Allison called a ceasefire.

I didn't know this until this past winter, but these pre-made pinatas had an 'escape hatch', which is an alternative way of dumping the candy if you can't break it open. We never did pinatas as a kid, so this was news to me. Buzz's escape hatch happen to be on his, ahem, can.

Allison gleefully yanked those strings and Buzz's poopchute opened and out flowed all the goodness and joy of childhood. Some of the adults got a kick out of watching buzz dangle on the string and seeing tootsie rolls and such fall out of him. I didn't get a good picture of him shitting candy, but here is one of Ian taking a wack at him:

------------------

As you may or may not know, we bought a pop-up camper last month. I've always loved camping and Allison, well, hasn't. I want to get the family into camping more so this was our compromise...we get to go camping and she gets a bed.

Well two weeks ago we got the opportunity to take the camper out for its inaugural trip. We meaning Ian and I. Allison had to go out of state for bridal shower (she's in the wedding) so she took Leah with her so Ian and I got a boys weekend to go on a brand new adventure.

Since I hadn't towed the camper since the day we brought it home, I made reservations for a "pull-though" campsite at a family campground not too far away. A pull-through site is exactly as it sounds, and it allows you to just, well, pull through and not worry about backing up and jockeying the camper into position. I chose to do that because I hadn't practiced backing up and parking, and didn't want to have to worry about it with just Ian and I.

Anyhoo, We left our house at 11am and arrived at Jellystone Park in Sturbridge, MA about 30min later. Once we got there, we saw that the pull through sites were pretty much just a grassy island right in front of the campground...there are dirt roads all around it and it's right next to the general store. Both the woman behind the desk and I agreed that a more secluded site would be better. I decided the hassle of having to back up was absolutely worth getting a safer, more relaxing site.

I'm proud to say that I actually did pretty well! I had to pull forward twice, once to start-over and once to straighten out. I also had to get out of the car to get another look at the site about halfway through the process, but other than that, I was all backed up and in position in about 5 minutes!

Of course Ian wanted to go exploring the minute we got there, but I wanted to get everything all set up as he was skipping his nap and I KNEW there would be no patience on his end (or mine!)later in the day. So I was able to get him to "help" me by dragging around the water container and hauling & stacking some Lynx levelers (plastic blocks used for leveling the camper). I never really got 'settled in', but rather just stored everything on one bunkend leaving the couch, dinette area and other bunkend available.

Once we were all settled in away we went! We went the playground for awhile, which was a whole 50' from our site. We also had the water-park about 50yds from where we were too. It wasn't much, just a big pool, jacuzzi, water slide and snack shop. But it was PLENTY enough for Ian to stay busy for a few hours. As long as he had his Nemo Fins (his floaties) he was good to go!

As I said, we were only a half hour away from home and it was thundering and raining there, but the sky was absolutely beautiful and clear by us. It was even HOT, maybe 85 degrees. Of course we had to take a break from the swimming to gobble up some ice cream. Ian couldn't wait to get back in the pool though!

I could tell that he was wearing down (he had no nap remember, and by this time it was probably 3:30), so we went back to the site, changed our clothes and went to go check out the rest of the campground. We saw a lake with a beach & another playground so we spent some time there and then we poked around the general store/game room/snack shack area. He met up with some new friends and they played and ran around for quite awhile.

I was getting hungry, so we went back and as I was preparing dinner, I let him watch a DVD to keep him stationary and in-sight/out of trouble. After dinner we went to the pavillion (next to the general store) to check out the band that was playing on the little stage there, as you know, Ian LOVES watching live music being played. They were a cheesy band, but perfect for the atmosphere.

Ian didn't eat much dinner, so he was saying that he was hungry. We walked down to the general store and since it was a 'special camping trip', I let him pick out what he wanted to eat. You ready for this? Potato Chips and Orange Juice. Let your taste buds contemplate that for a minute. Are you starting to get that juicy, salivating/tingling feeling in your mouth yet due to the completely unnatural and disgusting combination of those to things? BLECH! But he ate the bag and drank almost all of the juice. Hey man, whatever floats his boat!

After he had enough of the band (which was during setbreak), we went back to the campsite and finished the day and unwound with the rest of the DVD while I brewed a pot of coffee and read a magazine.

We all know that Ian is generally not a good sleeper. And we've only slept in the camper one night before this trip, so I was a bit concerned about how he would go to sleep, especially since I didn't want to lay down next to him. I tried explaining to him that i would be over at the table and even though he couldn't see me (I was going to shut the privacy curtains so the light wouldn't bother him), I would still be there.

Yeah, he couldn't care less. He just gave me a goodnight kiss, rolled over so his back was to me and was out in a record of about 4 seconds flat! So I just relaxed with a few cold ones enjoying the sounds & scenery.

We awoke around 6am to dead silence. It wasn't easy keeping Ian quiet, but I kept his chatting to a minimum by stuffing his face with some fresh berries, orange juice and a coloring book. I cooked a breakfast up for myself and while cleaning up I heard some thunder in the distance. We were going to stay the morning up until the 11am checkout time. But as we found out a few days before the trip is hella scared of thunder, so a packing up we did go!

He wanted to go play, but knew thunder was on the horizon so he was a little freaked out. So I put on another DVD to keep his mind preoccupied so I could pack up as quickly as possible The last thing I wanted to deal with was a freaked out toddler while I was packing up the camper.

So he watched his movie inside the camper until I was ready to take it down..I then plugged it into the socket on the outside and dragged the picnic table over next to it while I cranked it down.

When it was time to back my car up to the camper and hitch it back up, I let Ian sit in the passenger seat...a real treat for him! He loves playing in the car, but I downright detest it, so I never let him do it in my car. That way I was 100% sure where he was and didn't worry about running over him. He had a blast sitting in there with a "grown up's" seat belt!

I'm proud to say I completely packed up, broke camp, (including dumping our water from the sink) and was ready to pull away in about an hour and 15 minutes. Not too shabby for a first timer alone with a toddler!

And the icing on the cake was that JUST as we got onto the highway (about a 1/2 mile from the campground) it started to POUR!

The only downside is that since I was in a rush, I didn't get a chance to clean the dirt/mud/etc off the floor, but thats the way it goes.

But the bottom line is this: I had an absolute blast camping with Ian and can say that I am totally hooked on the pop-up! I just love all the amenities that it provides! I can't wait to go again with Allison and Leah so we can enjoy it as a family!

And coming in at #1....

2007-06-13T22:10:00.000-04:00

Edit: Ok, so I'm still trying to figure out how this thing works. My 'intro' blog is right below this one, so you might want to skip this first one now and read the next one first...does that make sense? Wow, what a way to kick this thing off, eh?

I FOUND IT! This is my favorite blog that I wrote. It's from 10/17/06 and deals with an issue I had with a neighbor. Enjoy!

Fasten your seat belts, I'm about to rant. NC-17 Rated.
Current mood: predatory

I'm going to start off with a warning: All children, please avert your eyes and find another blog to read...this aint gonna be pretty. Besides you may see some words here that you may not understand the meaning now, but if repeated will elicit a reaction on your parents faces that you've never seen before. Or if you have a queasy stomach and don't like foul language, move on.

(Well, gee if that isn't a tempting statement for those underage or curious readers I don't know what is! And do you think someone would actually read that and say "okay, maybe I shouldn't keep reading".)

Okay, fuck that. I'm not going to get sidetracked this early. I'm gonna get right down to the nitty gritty right away. What the FUCK is wrong with people? I know that's a broad, generalized question but let me elaborate.

I got Ian down for a nap and go outside to get our mail. What did I encounter? A big, heaping, steaming, gloriously rancid pile of dogshit. Where is this magnificent specimen of canine ka-ka? On my fuckin' front lawn, right next to my fuckin' mailbox. I am so goddammed mad about this, i'm going to repeat that in caps (and then add some cute emoticons to emphasis my rage): ON MY FUCKIN' FRONT LAWN, RIGHT NEXT TO MY FUCKIN MAILBOX.! GGGRRRRRRRR

Okay, so I've found doggy doo-doo on my property before but it was not as blatant as this. For those that haven't been to my (now apparently) dog shit storage unit, we have our front lawn and then we own a little strip of grass off to the side. its about 6' deep and runs maybe 200' long. (Note: Thats just a guess as i'm too pissed off to think clearly.). Anyway, i've seen some there before while mowing the lawn. Gee, and I thought I was mad about that!

But for some reason, since it wasn't in my absolute front yard it didn't bother me so much. Maybe because I believed in the goodness of people and gave them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they thought that it was town property? Afterall, it does seem like no man's land, this little strip between the two properties.

But fuck that shit now. Now I know the real truth. Some freakin Assclown has the audacity to walk around and let their little pooch drop a deuce so fuckin' blatently on other people's property and not clean it up. Let me amend that....judging on the size of this fantastic pile of fecal matter, its no little pooch.

That brings me back to my original question. What the fuck is wrong with people?

I am so determined to find out who this is. And you all that know me....I know I talk a good game, but then will let shit roll off my back when push comes to shove. Not this fuckin' time. I am going to OB-FUCKIN-SESS about this until I find out which fuck-stick of a neighbor the offending crapper is. I swear on all that is liquid and alcoholic, I will ream them a new one once I find out.

How will I find out? I haven't a clue. Well, like I said, deductive reasoning tells me that it wasn't a little dog...so that rules out.....no one. shit. This might be harder than I thought. But I can tell you for sure who it wasn't. There's a guy on my block that has a pitbull. It wasn't him, because last summer he put signs on his front lawn saying "curb your dog". so it has happened to him too!!

Thats another fact that adds to the aggrivation. This knobgobbler has done it before! At least it means that they're not targeting me. But what it DOES mean is that this retarted cocksnacker is too lazy to bring a bag for his goliath when he (or she...lets not discriminate here!) walks it. And its not like they just forgot it just once! This is the 3rd time on my lawn and there's at least one other instance. TRIPLE FUCKING GRRRRRRRRR

Ok, so lets play devils advocate for a minute here. Maybe they were different offenders every time. Maybe every time it WAS someone else who actually happened to forget to bring a pooper scooper or baggie with them. What does it mean to the next person that allows it on my lawn?

Absolutely nothing.

This person is going to be the recipiant of such fury, they're going to need a pooper scooper for themselves. I swear to God I won't even be polite about it. Yeah, they're my neighbors but I don't care...I have realized that I don't need to be friends with everybody in the world. You allow your dog to shit on my yard and you don't clean it up? You deserve the proverbial boot up your ass. I don't want to be friends with you anyway, assmunch.

Okay, so lets take a step back and look at the situation. Someone allowed their horse to shit on my lawn (square on my lawn next to my fuckin' mailbox to boot).

Is it a big deal, i mean, honestly? No.

Will it kill me to take half a roll of paper towels and pick it up and throw it away? No. (and I say half a roll because guess what? It's raining. And dog shit doesn't get firmer and easier to pick up when it gets wet, now does it?)

Do I deal with poop on a daily basis, and doesn't in fact, as the famous book tells us, everybody poop? Yup.

So then why, praytell am I getting so worked up about this? Because some assholic cumdumpster in my neighborhood doesn't respect other people and their property...and this fucktard needs to be dealt with swiftly. And also because I can. I have no life, I have nothing else to do, so I need a little anger in my life. Besides, it makes for great blogging fodder.

So to you, Mr. "Here puppy, shit anywhere you want. It doesn't matter", I tell you this. I will find out who you are. And when I do, I promise I will make you cry. And God forbid not only do I find out WHO you are, but WHERE you LIVE? I'm making a special trip to White Castle just for you.

----Addendum Blog to one above-------

Addendum to rant Meri used a phrase in her comment that reminded me that I forgot to include something in my original rant.

That phrase is "responsible dog owner".

I forgot to say that in no way am I anti-dog, anti-dog owner, or even anti-dog crap. I grew up with dogs and we had dog crap ALL OVER the yard. I don't get all worked up when I go to someone's house now and there is dog crap in their yard. Why? Because they have a dog, it's their property & it just comes with the territory.

I'm all pissy about this because I do NOT have a dog and therefore should NOT have to deal with dog crap in MY yard!

I'm sure that was understood, but I just wanted to put it out there.

And no, no one has pooped on my lawn again yet. But yes, I am watching.

And Away We Go!

2007-06-13T21:58:00.000-04:00

Wow, well would you check this place out? (looks around)...I'm diggin' this joint. I think I'll set my 'daddy's bag' down here and call this place home from here on out.

I've been blogging over at Myspace, but have since grown tired of the glitches, inability to save my posts, and especially the stalking from Tom. Has anyone told him that he looks creepy in that picture of his? And what the hell is that scribbled on the white board behind him? Anyway, I'm glad to be here and look forward to many a happy posts.

For those that don't know me, a quick intro: I'm a stay-at-home dad to my 3 yr old son, Ian, and 5 1/2 month old daughter, Leah. I like to talk about my life being a SAHD, and the amusing (and not so amusing) things that happen in my quirky little world.

I also began running a little over a year ago and have dropped 56lbs in the process (insert applause here!). So I'll also include updates on my training, race reports and whatnot in my blogs. What else about me...oh yeah, duh. my FANTASTIC wife also blogs (quickly) about what's going on with her/our kids/us. She more gives a quick synapse while I blab on and on. Please check her blog out here: http://dupreesgal.blogspot.com/.

That about does it for my introduction. I've got TONS to say, and foul language with which to say it! I also have terrible grammar, and my editing skills generally suck, so if I don't catch all my errors and mistypes, please forgive me.

I already posted some of my more recent myspace posts below for your enjoyment. If you've never read any of my 'work', it'll give you a good sampling about what I'm all about. So go through them at your leisure and reminisce about what has happened in my life.

I was going to start my brand new blog tonight, but I'm beat. I gave blood today and am wiped out. I tell ya, I haven't given blood in over a year, and it affects you a great deal differently when you're 50+ lbs lighter!

I'll put up my new one tomorrow night, I promise. I've got so much to say and a brand new forum to say it in....who is excited? THIS GUY! Cheers!

(from 5/20/07) Buzz Lightyear poops Lollipops

2007-06-13T21:46:00.000-04:00

I'm BAAAAAAACCCCCKK!!!

Hey all you fantastic and loyal readers!! I'm back for another rendition of don's blog. Oh my, where do I start.

I haven't blogged since before Allison went back to work full-time. Um, that should tell you something! I'll give you a synopsis of life since then:

Before she went back to work we took a 3 or 4 day jaunt to Tampa...what a really fun trip that was!!! Except for one outburst at breakfast one morning, Ian was awesome, including the plane rides.

We went to a zoo one morning, and an aquarium another. We spent every afternoon at the hotel pool where Ian learned to swim with those little arm floatie doohickeys. We called them his 'Nemo Fins', and he swam himself into a coma every time he got in the pool. He actually ASKED to go to bed one night!

So that was March. Lets see, then Allison went back to work. I found out that logistically, hauling two kids around wasn't/isn't as tough as I had imagined. What IS tough is playing with Ian while taking care of an infant. I just can't play with him like I used to, and he knows it. And I think he resents it too, well, at least he did. There was a tough adjustment phase that we went through, but I think he gets it that Leah isn't going anywhere and he needs to deal with her. Don't get me wrong, he loves her....I just think sometimes he wishes things would go back to the way they were BC (Before Cryingbaby).

As Allison blogged about, we (I) put Ian in underwear this past week. We had mixed results with it, and am not sure if I'm going to continue the 'experiment'. Tuesday he did GREAT, as Allison said. There was only one accident early in the morning, and then we were out and about at different stores and whatnot. Every so often I'd ask if he had to go to the potty and he said 'yes', so we went. Picture perfect.

Wednesday Ian had a fever and had 2 accidents right off the bat...and I mean less than 2 minutes after I asked him if he needed to use the potty...he said no, and before I knew it he was S O A K E D. Since he had a fever and wasn't feeling well, I decided to hold off and just put him in diapers.

Thursday he had 2 accidents while at a playground, which is to be expected as he's still learning. But then dropped the motherload. It was the deuce of all deuces..if fact, it probably qualified as a tres.

Did it bother Ian? Not one friggin Iota. He had a friggin' monster turd dangling in his spidey drawers and he acted like nothing was wrong. That pretty much sealed the deal for me as far as just realizing that homey isn't ready to potty train. That's fine...I wish he was, but it is what it is. He just need to be bothered by poopsticks in his caboose by the end of the summer. Little buddy isn't going to miss out on pre-school due to brown tenents living in the basement rent free.

-----------------------

Ian turns 3 tomorrow. If you didn't see the blog that Allison wrote on Friday, CHECK IT OUT. If you know Ian, it'll put a smile on your face. It certainly did for me.
Okay, I was going to go on and talk about Ian's birthday party that was today, but the Soprano's are on soon, so I've got to go.

I promise I'll blog again REAL soon. Topics to be discussed include: Ian's party that was today (um, big thumbs up...Ian was asleep before 7pm!), our new (to us) pop-up camper and my recent as well as upcoming half marathons.

I'll also weigh in on moving my blog over to blogspot. What do y'all think? I'm thinking I will ,because it'll give me the ability to save as I go...these masterpiece essays take awhile to create and myspace doesn't allow you to save and go back to them...well, they let you edit them, but, aw fuck it...I'll talk about it later.

until then, areevaderchee!

By the way, the title of the blog refers to Ian's party today. I'll fill you in later on what it means...but seriously, he did. I never thought I would see a space ranger deficate delicious goodies, but I did. AND he did it with a smile too!

From (3/20/07) A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the Kids’ Table

2007-06-13T21:44:00.000-04:00

Hey folks...I've got some stories, but I'm feeling like a heaping pile of horse shit today, so I'll just post something that was put up at the stay-at-home-dad forum that I frequent. It's pretty damn funny:

A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the Kids' Table
MOM: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.
DAD: O.K.
GRANDMOTHER: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.
DAD: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.
UNCLE: I'm having sex right now.
DAD: We all are.
MOM: Let's talk about which kid I like the best.
DAD: (laughing) You know, but you won't tell.
MOM: If they ask me again, I might tell.
FRIEND FROM WORK: Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!
DAD: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren't.
MOM: I'm angry! I'm angry all of a sudden!
DAD: I'm angry, too! We're angry at each other!
MOM: Now everything is fine.
DAD: We just saw the PG-13 movie. It was so good.
MOM: There was a big sex.
FRIEND FROM WORK: I am the loudest! I am the loudest!
(Everybody laughs.)
MOM: I had a lot of wine, and now I'm crazy!
GRANDFATHER: Hey, do you guys know what God looks like?
ALL: Yes.
GRANDFATHER: Don't tell the kids.
Originally from HERE

(from 3/8/07) The rest of our trip to NJ & PA

2007-06-13T21:35:00.000-04:00

My last blog was just about the one adventure during our trip. Our trip came about because we were invited to a wedding in NJ on that Saturday night. We figured that since we were halfway to Brother Bill & Company's house, we would go spend some time down there with them.

Well this installment is about the day of the wedding and the rest of our trip to Pennsylvania.
Saturday morning after a fantastic Customer Service experience came to a close (subject for the next blog ), we loaded the kids in the family truckster and cruised down to Piermont, NY to the apartment of friends of ours. They agreed (crazily!) to watch all four kids (Ian, Leah and their 2 cousins, Paige & Shane) while we went to a wedding with my Brother and Sister-In-Law.
These friends have a great apartment right on the Hudson, by the way. Cool place with an amazing view of the river. So we met there and got settled in, which means that Mr. Pack Mule here lugged all our crap up to the 3rd floor walk-up.

There wasn't a whole lot of time to get ready for the ceremony, so just my brother and I went while the wives stayed at the apartment with the rugrats and friends. After the ceremony we went back to get our own lovely brides and headed to the reception.

Right before we left OTHER friends showed up with THIER 2 kids (plus one on the way). It's a small place, so I'm sure we set a record for the number of kneebiters ever in that apartment at any given time, but apparently while we were gone, a fun time was had by all. Well, mostly.
I forgot to add that Ian didn't sleep at all on the ride down that day. So lets see, that translates into the fact that he was going into this over-stimulating environment (new place, new toys, new people) without being well rested. Remember that normally he's not well-rested to begin with, as he's generally a crappy sleeper. Oh yeah, THIS will end well!

You may not know this, but each of our kids are close in age with the others, i.e. Ian is 4 months older than Paige (they both turn 3 this year), and Shane is about 3.5 months older than Leah.(Shane is 6 months old, Leah is 2+ months). So 2 age groups are represented by the kids: Sassy Toddler & Needy Baby.

Needless to say, when we got back from the reception toys were all over the place, and all the kids were sleeping. Out of all the kids only the elder Needy Baby (Shane) was in the right sleeping location. Needy Baby #2 was asleep in Lisa's arms, Sassy Dora was asleep in Brian & Lisa's bed while Sassy Wiggle was sprawled out on blankets, conked out, on the living room floor.

Apparently there were issues getting Sassy 1 and Sassy 2 to sleep so (wisely) they chose the path of least resistance. I'm not sure how Paige finally went to sleep, but they just turned on "Finding Nemo" (one of Ian's favorites) and let him watch it until his brain finally finally shut down on him.

I tell ya, huge props to Brian & Lisa (and Brian's mom!!) for taking on such a monumental task! We thank you tremendously and greatly, greatly appreciate it!! Have you ever known an evening to drag on for so long???

Ian had such a fun time with them…especially since Brian let Ian play his guitars and sing into his REAL microphone…not the cheap crap that we got him! Not only that, but Brian taught him a few things too. First was rather than picking his nose, to squeeze it to 'evict' the boogers and set them free.

Another thing was something that we didn't know until the day after we got home from the trip...all of a sudden Ian holds onto the coffee table and starts hopping on one leg. We were both taken aback, because we've never seen him do that before. We asked where he learned that and after thinking for a moment he proudly exclaims "Brian!".

Here it is a week after we got home and Ian STILL talks about how much fun he had with Brian and Lisa, no joke. Just yesterday he said that he wanted to go back there!
Sunday we left Brian & Lisa's and headed down to Brother Bill's in PA. We ended up just relaxing and letting the kids run about the house when we got there..

Monday morning Erin took us to one of her favorite Story-Hour Libraries where we made it just in time for the last 10 minutes of it…For some reason Ian wasn't into the group thing (which was odd, because it was music time...his favorite), so he and I went and poked around the kids area until everyone else filtered out. We actually ended up playing there for quite awhile.

Paige and Ian started off playing separately for awhile, but then got together for a fun activity. They decided to run top-speed (you know, 1.3mph) to one wall, make a 90degree turn and then to another wall. It was one of those things that you think would get boring after two or three times. Unbelievably, this kept them busy for a good 10-15 minutes. It was apparent that they were having the time of their lives, because before long another girl joined in on the reindeer games.

We knew the kids were tiring when they stopped running and were walking their little course…and not even the speed-walking/arms pumping maneuver. It was more along the lines of leisure-strolling/dead arms dangling. So we took their cues and headed home for lunch and nap.
Paige is so cute, she downright BEGS to get into her jammies and ASKS to go to sleep. Ian, of course is polar opposite. Allison tried for at least 45min to put him down and then I tried for maybe 10min before I realized it was absolutely futile. So here it was, a 2nd day out of 3 that Ian refused to nap. Hold on, side prayer here: Hey Big J.C. I don't ask you for much….but please, please, PLEASE. I am not ready for Ian to enter into the no-nap phase of his life…If we did this now, one of us isn't going to make it out of it alive. And I'm bigger than Ian, so I'm pretty sure I know which way the oddsmakers are leaning. Or if we DO do it, let's bite the bullet and do it right now and get it over with quickly before Allison goes back to work. Okay, thanks Savior…and say hi to your dad and Jerry Garcia for me…thanks.

So we decided to park Ian in front of the TV and let him watch shows for awhile to give everyone a break. After Paige woke up from her 2.5hr nap (sigh) we decided to go and try to get the kids' picture taken. And THATS where the Pennsyltucky blog takes over.

Before I wrap it up, I need to comment on Paige being "sassy". She has always been the perfect kid. She was always a great sleeper, mild-mannered, self soothing and content on anything you throw her way...so it's actually a relief to see her throw Bill & Erin this cute little curveball.
In true Paige form, she's not even really "sassy". Like all toddler's she says NO alot, but she does one of the funniest things I've ever seen. If she's in a mood and you crack even the slightest smile she'll wag her finger at you and yell "NO LAUGH!". I only heard "Daddy NO LAUGH!" or "Mommy NO LAUGH!" but it still was one of the cutest things...of course you can't help but laughing harder and she gets even more upset. She really is one of the cutest kids ever!!!

(from 3/1/07) Pennsyltucky: Where Trash is Artistic

2007-06-13T21:30:00.000-04:00

This is one of my favorite blogs. A) Because this shit actually happened and B) I spent a LOT of time writing this! Enjoy (again).......

So we just got back from a trip to PA to visit brother Bill, Erin, Paige & Shane. While we were down there, we decided to get a portrait taken of all 4 kids. For those that don't know, Ian and Paige will both turn 3 this year (Ian is 4 months older) and Shane is about 3.5 months older than Leah.

Erin 'warned' us about the woman who worked at this particular department store portrait studio…it wouldn't be fair to identify the place, so we'll call the place A.Z. Benny. And I don't know this woman's name, but we'll call her Jane.

Anyway, Erin said that her red flag identifying factors in figuring out trash (of the white variety) went up when talking to Jane, as she tended to use double negatives and shall we say, less than proper grammar, a lot.

To give you an idea of what I'm talking about "Hi Erin! Ain't little Paigey looking cute today!" And "Ain't nobody brought in a DVD Player here before, that's a good idea…" (wow, my spell-checker is having a field day with this portion of the blog…)

Erin also said that this woman told her that she is an "artist" and that this isn't no (there we go again!) 'point and click place'. Okay, I'm going to change her name. She's no longer Jane, she's now Billie-Jo Sue.

I'll point out 3 things here:
A) I agree with Erin's red-flag standards…you talk like that, you are trash. I'm sorry if some of yous unedumacated folk don't not disagree wit me.
B) This woman is not indicative of where they live. It's a great, rural area with a good school system.
C) If Erin is ever telling you a story or describing someone, dude, she's not exaggerating!

Let me preface the following by saying that I was feeling not-so-fresh at this point during the trip. I began feeling a little ill a few days previous, but it had subsided and was now coming back with a vengeance and I was somewhat miserable. I'm pretty sure I was lucid enough to remember how things went down, but it was pretty bizarre, so it maybe wasn't real! I may be wrong in describing the order of when things unfolded (You'll have to ask Erin or Allison) but it's pretty accurate…anyway so we get to A.Z. Benny and Billie-Jo Sue is all over the place.

There was another woman who brought her two young sons in to be photographed, so we set up the movie, gave the kids some snacks, and I left to try to find a place that sold Pepto.
Just as I got back, Billie-Jo Sue (who, from here on out, will be calld BJS) was finishing up with the other people and our kids were beginning to get restless. BJS was showing the mom the pictures she took on a computer screen and with each shot said something like "oh, that's the one!", "I love their expressions there" or "that's a keeper, don't you think?" Okay, so she uses no-nonsense, unveiled, hard sell tactics…I get it. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt (as tacky as it was).

So BJS finally gets to our kids and starts setting up the studio for pictures of just Shane, which Erin requested. BJS was offering all these springy pastel backdrops and ornate costumes for Shane, but Erin wanted something simple: Black background & Shane on his tummy (he pushes himself up).

The other woman was trying to pick her pictures, so to help keep her kids occupied we offered to leave the movie going (so they could watch and she could choose in peace) and her kids took to that like flies on….honey. She really appreciated it too, because her kids were starting to act like ours…restless.

So BJS, the "arteest", starts taking pictures and trying all sorts of different things and camera angles etc. the older kids started really getting restless and wanted to 'help' try to get Shane's attention and make him smile, so they started in on calling his name. Well you would think that Ian dropped his Buzz diaper and squeezed out a poop on her credentials. BJS let us know that there was too much stimulation in this room and that all the noise was confusing Shane.
So we gave the kids some of the prop seats that they use so they could sit, have a snack and watch BJS work her magic. Well I'll be damned if it was distracting to BJS. She snapped that the kids were too close and that "I'm going to step on one of them, and I will because my focus is on Shane and ONLY on Shane".

For all those who have never been to a place like this, it's not like the photographer can walk 360 degrees around the person/people being photographed. The camera is affixed to a mount. The camera goes up and down and side to side, maybe 18". So, BJS, stop your goddamn tapdancing and push that little fuckin button to snap the picture.

After Shane had enough, we decided to set up the studio for the group shot. At this point the other lady was ready to pay, so BJS went out to take her payment and gush over her own work that she had created.

I was holding Leah, so I kept walking around to keep her happy and I was out in the waiting area (where the other kids were watching the DVD and the mom was paying BJS for her God-given talent). I don't know how it came up, but I swear, BJS said (and I quote!) "Sometimes I just get an idea in my head and think, Wow! That would make a great picture!" I really don't know how I stopped myself from pissing in my pants…that was too damn funny.

So BJS graces us with her presence in the studio again and begin discussing how we're going to get all four kids in the picture. She tells us that it can't be done, and that she could do the 3 older kids this way…whoa, wait a minute. Erin stops her in her tracks and says that we want all 4 kids, and that's the reason why we're here.

BJS thinks for a moment, apparently going through her databank of photography knowledge and comes up with 'the choo-choo train' pose (her phrase, not mine) and explains how it's a classic and blah-blah-blah. She wanted Ian to sit in the back, with Paige between his legs, then Shane between Paige's, and then Leah in front of Shane.

Dude. Shane can't sit up yet, but I get that Paige can maybe help him. What the fuck is going to prop Leah up? Shane? Once we point this out to genius, she just says that it's a classic position, and that it works great with older kids. Gee, let me think. Oh yeah, WE DON'T HAVE OLDER KIDS, YOU FUCKING TWIT! She says flat out that she can't take a good picture with the 4 younger kids.

So Erin suggests putting Leah in a bassinet and having the other kids surround it. BJS's reaction? "Oh yeah, that'll work. Wait, I'm getting it in my head now…" and then she starts setting it up. That friggin' hick thought it was her subconscience giving her the suggestion.
By this point it was about 5:45 and everyone was getting tired of being there. The kids were restless, I wasn't feeling well and the comic relief of this woman was beginning to wear thin.
So she took a few snapshots and of course she was barking orders to the kids and saying things like "Shane isn't smiling!" or "The baby is looking the other way". Never mind the fact that Paige and Ian (you know, the 2 kids whose facial expressions that we could somewhat direct) were both looking into the camera and making some somewhat of a smile.

So she took a few more and it was clear that Paige and Ian didn't want to be there anymore so they started fidgeting about and trying to get off. Well, BJS demanded "stop moving! Put your chin down! I can't see your face!" Before I knew what happened, "They're fucking two!" came out of my mouth.

So I stepped out of the room for a minute to calm down, came back and things weren't much better. After a few more clicks there was a pause. I don't know if she was finished or not, but I said "We're done", and about 3 seconds later BJS added "Okay, I think we're all done here"…yeah, good idea, snaggletooth.

I took Leah and walked around the waiting area. The girls picked out the shot that we were going to keep and Shane's picture. Of course little Miss Japanese Tourist had to give her input as to which were the good ones, and then went into why. I think Ian is the only other person I've ever heard who LOVES to hear themselves talk that much. But unlike her, Ian recognizes it and says "Maybe Ian's being chatty!"

And aint this a bitch…I don't know who, what, where, when or why, but after all that, curse slippage and all, BJS ended up giving us all the pictures of the kids (we ordered 22 copies of one pose) for FREE.

So of course now I have to give a plug: If you're ever in Pennsyltucky, go see JBS at A.Z. Benny.

By the way, I can't take credit for the term Pennsyltucky. I heard it a few years ago and laughed my ass off when I did. It really bugs Erin, but it oh-so-fits in this case...I did however apologize to her as we left their house. As this is probably the only time in my life that I'll get to use that term in a fashion that fits.

(from 2/15/07) Storm Trooper or Bowling Pin?

2007-06-13T21:28:00.000-04:00

If you were walking down a dark alley late one night, who would you rather encounter: A storm trooper or a a 10' tall inflatable bowling pin shuffling around with a big, creepy shit-eating grin on it's face?

Ok, well if not late at night in a dark alley, how about around 11am during an indoor kids carnival?

That's the dilemma Ian faced, and he instantly chose the......storm trooper? There were characters roaming around this festival for kids and he was amazed at the storm trooper as well as a sand warrior guy (according to wikipedia a Tusken Raider) and another character. He kept calling them "divers" and was insistant on keep going up to them and shaking their hands and giving them hi-fives.

The big bowling pin, on the the other hand, made him shit his buzz lightyear pull-up.
He was on a ride and was having a blast....it ended, so he was sitting there waiting for the carni-folk to let him out and his demeanor totally changed...all of a sudden he gets a blank look on his face and he looks terrified. At first we had no idea what he was looking at. The 300lb bearded lady took him off the ride and he power-walked over to us (not taking his eyes off the source of terror) and asked to be picked up.

The first thing he said is "I don't like the bowling pin". I turn around and see the sight that I described up top there. And in case you have amnesia, it was a 10' tall inflatable bowling pin shuffling towards us with a creepy shit-eating grin plastered on the front. It was in a convention center, so the sound of the feet shuffling echoed throughout the place. Not to mention that the arms of the costume were significantly longer than the arms of the guy who was inside the costume so they just kind of flopped and shimmied about.

At one point Ian was waiting to go on the pony ride and he spots this usually-harmless-but-now-nightmare-inducing object halfway across the place making a slow, exagerated, jiggly beeline right for us. Ian virtually lept into Allison's arms and she re-assured him that he wasn't coming over here. Hehheh WRONG. Poor Ian couldn't take his eyes off this thing the entire time he was riding the pony. I wonder if Ian was the first kid to drop a deuce on that pony's back that day?

I am totally kicking myself for not getting a picture of this thing. I thought about it, and even had my nifty little cell phone aimed at it ready to snap, but it turned around and the front of it was half the fun...I wanted the picture soley for this blog to show you guys what kind of things people dream up thinking they're "fun" for kids. I already tried looking for a picture on the net, but couldn't find one quickly. I'll spend more time looking for it later and will post a picture if I find one.

-----------------------------------------

Other than that, I don't think there's a whole lot to report. We were inside all day yesterday so everyone is stir crazy. We're going to try a new indoor play area in North Haven today. It's not close, but it's something different. We'll let ya know how it goes.
Until then, just say no to creepy inflatable objects (sheep not included).

(from 1/26/07) Life Update - The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

2007-06-13T21:19:00.000-04:00

Ok, we'll try this again. I tried blogging earlier in the week and it got accidentally deleted.
What could be good, bad & ugly as far as my beautiful children are concerned? Well, Ian's behavior towards other kids covers the "ugly" part. He has been downright terrible towards his friends lately, usually the smaller and younger ones...Heh, like his daddy he's afraid of getting beat up so he picks on easier targets.

My brother's family and another set of friends with a son (Derek) near Ian's age came to visit a few weeks ago. A great time was had by the adults, but poor Derek pleaded with his mom to go home the same day they got here. Ian would just take a toy out of his hand, run somewhere and "hide" it. Granted, hiding to him is just putting it somewhere else, still in plain view...but its the thought.

When Ian's cousin, Paige, came he did the same thing to her...He also had 2 MORE sets of kid-friends to visit that weekend and do you think he treated them any different? Nope.
I wish I could say it was because having the baby around was still all so new to him, but we had issues just today at playgroup. He was walking by a girl who was sitting in a chair playing with a jack in the box and he just grabbed it and kept walking. Poor little girl started crying hysterically. There really isn't much we can do except stay consistant with our discipline and not let him get away with any behavior like that.

Although I would really like to get inside his little toddler-head and see what he is thinking. For those reasons, but plus he comes up with the most random thoughts.
He was standing at the table in our playroom coloring when he looked up and said to me "Maybe Poppa and Nana have a big TV?" By the way, his new thing is to phrase his comments or observations as questions, beginning with 'Maybe'.
After that, without blinking an eye, he continues with "Maybe Ian no have a big tv". He even said it disappointingly, that ungrateful kid! But it is a good observation, as we have a 32" tv while poppa has a giant friggin 70" monstrosity.

--------------------

Hi. My name is Don, and I'm a Geotrax-aholic.
My brother & his family gave Ian a starter's set of Geotrax for Christmas. We exchanged gifts when they came up 2 weeks ago and waited until everyone left to open the boxes. You see, we had to wait to set up the trains so as we could have clear escape routes for the kids running in fear from Ian.
For those that don't know what Geotrax is, it is remote controlled, battery operated trains that go along platic train tracks that you can set up any way you like (as long as you have the right pieces). Here is a link to the official page with some example layouts, so you can see how in-depth and crazy it gets:

Official Source of My Addiction

So as I said, they bought us a starter set (the Workin Town Railway for you fellow junkies) and a gas station "depot" and set it up. Let me tell you, I thought it was the coolest thing. Ian liked it too! And I need to preface all this saying i was never into model railroads as a kid. The appeal with this thing is that you can customize your tracks & layout to however you want it.
The next day I went to return a duplicate gift we had recieved from someone else and what did I do? Why I bought a bunch more sets of Geotrax! I got some ramps and additional "depots" and another train.

So last week I was changing the layout after Ian went to bed (Dude, shut up. My reasoning is that Ian will appreciate the different setup when he wakes up). Anyway, I had an idea for the layout, so I started setting it up and realized I didn't have enough of the right pieces. CRAP!
So I re-configured it a little bit, nope, wouldn't work. I tried another way (and Allison even got into it a wee little bit and made some suggestions), and it STILL wouldn't work. I finally figured out a way to make it work, but decided that I, I mean Ian, needed more pieces to work with.
God bless EBay! As of yesterday, we now have some more track as well as a few more sets of ramps, so I should be able to build this puppy up even more!

Ian keeps telling me that I should spend all of Mommy's hard earned money on Geotrax, but I keep insisting that it isn't right and that we need to scale back some. Well, at least until she goes back to work and/or our tax refund gets here.

------------------------------------------

In other news, we decided on our next house-item upgrade. We decided to replace our crappy wood-stove insert in the basement. We've used the thing no more than 3x and each time we nearly got smoked out of the house. It would be a great way to conserve oil and keep the cost of heating the house down. Besides, it'll add some cool ambiance to the room as we would be able to watch the fire burn as opposed to watching a hot steel box.
Below is a link to the model that we will most likely get. We already went to the store to check things out, but the guy is coming out tomorrow so he can see the setup for himself.

Wood Stove Insert

We'll keep you updated as to this newest venture, but I'm betting we'll have the new insert in time for Memorial Day! Yeah, its a little late in the season for it to be truely cost effective this year, but the place is running a good sale on them and it's something we've wanted to do for awhile.

---------------------------------

We're happy to report that we found the right preschool for Ian, and that he has a spot and we're very excited about him going on this new adventure!
It's through the Childhood Development class at the new high school. The teacher has 20 students and takes 10 preschoolers. Each preschooler is assigned to 2 "buddies" for the semester. On one day, one of the buddies interacts with the preschooler while the other one observes and takes notes from a room behind a one-way mirror. The next day the two students switch.

We love it because Ian will get one-on-one attention with the same people. Like most kids his age, he likes routine and knowing whats going to happen. Believe it or not, he really likes schedules, which this program provides. The days that the preschoolers aren't there, the students develop lessons and themes and learn about whats going on with these kids developmentally.

Another reason I like it is because he'll be working with high school kids who elected this class, which means they want to be there. That translates to excitement for everyone...the high school students as well as the preschoolers. There will be a diffferent enthusiasm about holidays and just everyday stuff from these students who are learning about this right now as opposed to someone who has been doing it for 20+ years.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Preschool teachers love their jobs and are happy to go to work, but I'm betting its just different. At the end of the day, it's only Preschool and its not like we're choosing a college for him, but we just really like this program.

Another perk is that it starts at 8am which means Allison can drop him off in the morning on her way to work, or even better, she can go to work late if there's something special going on with school, like a little play that the kids put on or something like that.

Oh yeah, and it's the least expensive preschool option that we've come across...but then again, we're already paying for it since its at the brand new $54 million high school (and no, thats not an exageration!).

-------------------------------

Other than that, there's not much new to report. The little Wookie is doing well (yeah, she STILL has more hair than me!). Although we found out that she has blocked tear ducts in BOTH her eyes.

Nothing major needs to be done at this point. We give her antibiotics 2x a day, but that is ending soon. We also have to give her eyedrops and massage the little tear sacs near the bridge of her nose several times a day. What fun it is to nearly poke her in the eye, but hopefully it'll resolve the issue so she doesn't need surgery like Ian did.

------------------------------

Anyway, thats about it. Until next time, for God sakes, keep your fingers out of your nose!
(and if you have any Geotrax lying around and you're not using them, feel free to send them my way).