Dropcorn

We're staying at my in-laws while we're in between houses so the kids and I went down to PA to visit my brother and his family for a few days. It was a good opportunity to change environments for awhile as well as get in a good visit with them.

Anyway, yesterday before we came home Erin (my sister in law) and I took all the kids to see "Up". We got drinks and a big bag of popcorn for everyone to share. Erin sat on one end, I on the other, and the 4 kids in between. Right as the movie was beginning a gaggle of people came in and filed into the row in front of us. It seeemd to be a bunch of 11-ish year old boys and some women.

As the movie starts we keep passing the bag of popcorn around and give each kid a handful on a napkin in their lap..but since it's 4 kids who are 5 or younger, more ends up on the floor than in their mouths.

About halfway through the movie I notice a lot of movement from the row in front of us, in front of Erin. It was a good movie, so I was trying to pay attention to it, but all this movement kept catching the corner of my eye. I look over at Erin (since it was in front of her) and she is trying her hardest to control her laughter. She looks at me and points to the boy sitting in front of her.

So I start watching him and he promptly turns halfway around, reaches back and grabs a handful of popcorn that had fallen on the floor by our kids' feet and begins to eat it! It was really dark in the theater so maybe that's not what happened, I reasoned to myself.

I keep watching the kid and sure as shit he does it again! I looked at Erin who was already looking at me and we both just burst out laughing. It's not like this kid was even trying to make it a covert operation...he was blatently reaching behind him and grabbing this popcorn off the floor. Erin and I tried our hardest to not be loud about our laughter, but we couldn't help it. Fortunately it was a funny movie.

There was only a finite amount of popcorn on the floor, so soon enough the kid had eaten everything within his reach. He kept looking back to see if he had gotten it all, so obviously he was still hungry. I felt bad, so I grabbed a handful of popcorn and tossed it on the floor in front of the kids. Without skipping a beat the kid reached back and swooped it up!! I couldn't control myself, i was laughing so hard. I felt like I was feeding pigeons in the park! I knew it was wrong to play into this, but it was too damn funny.

Seeing this go on gave me mixed feelings of emotions: On the one hand I was happy that we decided to go to that particular showing of that particular movie on that particular day so that I could witness that. But it also made me sad to think of how much other funny stuff is happening out there that I'm NOT seeing.

I can't wait to see what happens when I go to Lowe's later on today!!!

Short, Sweet and ready to kick your ass.

Don't let Leah's looks fool you. This girl is all sweetness and light when she gets her way...but if she doesn't? She is ready to throw down. Her newest fashion accessory is the proof that's in the pudding.



If you don't know what they are, here is a closer picture:



If you STILL don't know what they are, then homie we best not meet up in a dark alley. You roll with your crew on that side of the tracks, and we'll roll like we do here in T'land.

Peace out....and watch your back, 'cause Leah's got a chip on her shoulder and ready to take it out on the next sucka that crosses her.

Cockologist

Well, ladies and gentlemen, Leah has decided what she would like to be. She declared to me yesterday that she wants to be a penis. Yes, that's right, she wants to be a penis. I'm just as flabbergasted as you, if not more. Here is how the conversation went (as I was changing her):

Leah: I want to be a penis!

Me: No honey, you're a girl. Girls don't have a penis.

Leah: No, Daddy. I want to BE a penis.

Me: Uh. Leah, I think you mean that you want to HAVE a penis.

Leah: No, Daddy. I don't want to HAVE a penis, I want to BE a penis.

Me: Let me get this straight: You want to BE a penis? You don't want to HAVE a penis, you want to BE a penis?

Leah: YES DADDY! (she said all sarcastic and annoyed like I was the crazy one) I want to be a penis!!!

Me: Ok, fine. You're a penis. Leah, you are a very, very weird penis.


Way to reach for the stars, honey.


And on a completely unrelated note, this morning I discovered my first gray hairs. Gee I wonder where they came from.

Misleading Title

Thank you Peter Griffin, Mr. Family Guy, for my son's newest favorite phrase. Last week we were getting the kids ready to put pajamas on and Ian runs down the hallway, sees Leah and lets out with enthusiasm "Holy Crap!".

I was flabbergasted, as it wasn't from me. I never say 'crap'. I'll either completely sensor myself with "Holy Toledo!" or not at all and let the full "Holy Shit!" fly, but never a half-assed attempt with "Hoy Crap!". I mean c'mon, that's amateur hour.

I immediately asked Ian where he got it from and he said "Spongebob". I despise that show, so immediately banned it from the house...as I did that, I looked over at Allison who shook her head. Apparently she was in the know as to the source and it wasn't Mr. Squarepants.

She said as I was making dinner she turned on the TV and "Family Guy" was on and within a minute Peter blurted out the phrase. Sweet.

And to think, I had been not allowing Ian to see the show in case one of the chicken fight scenes came on. You know, I didn't want him to be impressionable and pick up any bad habits.

I thought maybe it would have just gone by the wayside, but Ian pulled it out today at the playground. I was pushing both him and Leah on the swings and I really got him swinging high. Picture the moment: The sun was shining, the kids were laughing, the breeze was blowing and apparently the crap was holying. Ian let a out a "WHOA! HOLY CRAP!". Fortunately Little Miss Parrot was in her own little world and didn't hear him. She was too busy repeating to me the fact that her shadow wasn't smiling. Don't ask, I haven't a clue.

In an odd way, I guess it evens out as I learned my new favorite phrase from a 10 year old. I have yet to utilize it, but hearing a kid blurt out to Allison calling her a 'fun-sucker' was one of the funniest things ever. Even if it was in jest, it still gets me laughing. So Karen, make sure you thank your kids for me. That is keeping me entertained 6 weeks later!

Honestly, this "holy crap" thing isn't a big deal. This is PEANUTS compared to the F-bomb deluge we got 2 summers ago. I wrote a blog about that, if you haven't read it (or heard the story before). Just over on the right there, click on 2007 and scroll down to July 3rd. It's called "Duck & Cover".

My Cryptonite

Not a whole lot of things phase me. Looking back, I've:

Eaten some pretty messed up things, like:
*A hot dog with 'the works' previously chewed up by somebody else.
*2 cans of cat food piled on a slice of homemade bread.
*Allison's cooking.

I've been certified as an EMT for nearly 12 years and have seen some gnarly wounds, performed CPR numerous times (once in a helicopter) and reguarly go to calls to nursing homes. The elderly don't exactly smell like a field of wildflowers, you know.

I've witnessed the birth of my two children, and being a stay-at-home dad for closing in on 5 years now I consider myself a pretty 'seasoned' father.

But this morning...oy veh. I bore witness to something that made my knees buckle. Hell, I didn't even SEE it and it made my head spin.

I don't know what crawled up her ass and died, but Leah's poop this morning seriously made me gag. Yes, I actually gagged. No joke, I couldn't even stay in the room.

Have you ever watched 'Fear Factor'? If you have, you know the scene: The petite woman in the dark cave is about to have something awful happen to her (like monstrous tarantulas crawl all over her face) in order to advance to the next round. She's all nervous, but dons the safety goggles anyway. She's about to do the stunt, but at the last second just breaks down and heads for the hills sobbing: "No! No! Nuh uh! No way! I'm not doing it! I don't care, keep your money! WAAAAAAH"

Yeah, that was SO me. I was that petite woman this morning.

Lady luck was on my side though as it happened before Allison left for work. I actually went upstairs and sent her down to deal with it. That's right! I shirked my parental responsibilities and pawned them off on someone else.

I was upstairs doing my best to not hurl and began wondering if I had over-reacted. This is my daughter after all. Could it be possible I was just being a wuss-bag? I headed for the stairs to go back down there, and BAM! I got smacked in the face with that stench before even REACHING the stairs. Nope, I definitely wasn't being a wuss about the whole thing.

So I retreated back and then headed back down a few minutes later clearing the madness ahead of me with a can of febreeze. Allison claimed she couldn't smell it (she's sick) but said it was definitely grown-up poop that came out of a toddler.

Ugh. If that didn't just make you a little queasy, you are inhuman.

Leah, I love you....I really do. But baby, light a match, will ya?

2 kids for sale

Come one, come all! Have a look at 2 items up for sale, both items going to the highest bidder(s).

UNIT 1 - Description
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Male, aged approximately 4.5 years. Partially potty-trained, fully pompous.

Likes: to run around play-fighting, wrestling, and being physically active. Completely self-reliant & independent and will remind you on an hourly basis. Has no problem barking out orders or hatching mischievous plans. He likes to play games, especially ones that he creates such as 'who can hit the hardest'. Loves playing this game with his sister or girls in his school who he finds out are older than him. Has a special affinity for pushing people's buttons, particularly his sister's. Can be cuddly and affectionate, but usually comes with strings attached.

Dislikes: Harmony. Also dislikes taking direction from anybody at any time. He dislikes change and will fight it tooth and nail. Throws impressive tantrums when faced with change. Dislikes not getting his way and will sabotage any subsequent things that come after he realizes he won't get his way. Severe dislike, even almost allergy-like, to playing by himself. Self entertainment is a completely foreign concept.

This unit may or may not rest well at night, and would be best suited in an environment without older or younger siblings. Parental units who enjoy verbal abuse welcomed to bid. *DISCLOSURE* This unit tends to behave well in public and can be polite, it's the home environment that's a doozy.

UNIT 2 - DESCRIPTION
--------------------

Female, aged approximately 2 years. Completely unpotty-trained & full-blooded chatterbox.

Likes: Talking. Repeats phrases ad-nauseum, even after acknowledgment. Will yammer on for hours, no batteries needed. Fluent in non-sequitur phrasings. Also likes to completely disobey and test boundaries. Particularly enjoys pissing her brother off and bonking his head with sippy cup. Loves to parrot other people, without understanding what she's saying. Also loves to show her artistic creativity, especially on anything OTHER than generally accepted art mediums.

Dislikes: Silence. Also getting hair brushed.

This unit loves to show affection, and has no problem saying 'I love you' to you, as well as to the inanimate object next to you. She would do particularly well in an environment with other young female child units, or with those who are deaf.

These two units don't mesh well, so will be sold separately. Sale goes to the highest or initial bidder, whichever comes first.

Will ship for free. However due to the economy, packages may arrive separately. Re-assembly is responsibility of new owner.

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Obviously I won't sell my children, as that is illegal. Anyone who is interested in bartering though, please contact me.

How is YOUR week going?

Cool Pictures

The kids found some glow sticks today and we were goofing around with them in Ian's room. I don't know how they'll look with the black background on the black blog....but I'll post them anyway!