My Cryptonite

Not a whole lot of things phase me. Looking back, I've:

Eaten some pretty messed up things, like:
*A hot dog with 'the works' previously chewed up by somebody else.
*2 cans of cat food piled on a slice of homemade bread.
*Allison's cooking.

I've been certified as an EMT for nearly 12 years and have seen some gnarly wounds, performed CPR numerous times (once in a helicopter) and reguarly go to calls to nursing homes. The elderly don't exactly smell like a field of wildflowers, you know.

I've witnessed the birth of my two children, and being a stay-at-home dad for closing in on 5 years now I consider myself a pretty 'seasoned' father.

But this morning...oy veh. I bore witness to something that made my knees buckle. Hell, I didn't even SEE it and it made my head spin.

I don't know what crawled up her ass and died, but Leah's poop this morning seriously made me gag. Yes, I actually gagged. No joke, I couldn't even stay in the room.

Have you ever watched 'Fear Factor'? If you have, you know the scene: The petite woman in the dark cave is about to have something awful happen to her (like monstrous tarantulas crawl all over her face) in order to advance to the next round. She's all nervous, but dons the safety goggles anyway. She's about to do the stunt, but at the last second just breaks down and heads for the hills sobbing: "No! No! Nuh uh! No way! I'm not doing it! I don't care, keep your money! WAAAAAAH"

Yeah, that was SO me. I was that petite woman this morning.

Lady luck was on my side though as it happened before Allison left for work. I actually went upstairs and sent her down to deal with it. That's right! I shirked my parental responsibilities and pawned them off on someone else.

I was upstairs doing my best to not hurl and began wondering if I had over-reacted. This is my daughter after all. Could it be possible I was just being a wuss-bag? I headed for the stairs to go back down there, and BAM! I got smacked in the face with that stench before even REACHING the stairs. Nope, I definitely wasn't being a wuss about the whole thing.

So I retreated back and then headed back down a few minutes later clearing the madness ahead of me with a can of febreeze. Allison claimed she couldn't smell it (she's sick) but said it was definitely grown-up poop that came out of a toddler.

Ugh. If that didn't just make you a little queasy, you are inhuman.

Leah, I love you....I really do. But baby, light a match, will ya?

2 kids for sale

Come one, come all! Have a look at 2 items up for sale, both items going to the highest bidder(s).

UNIT 1 - Description
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Male, aged approximately 4.5 years. Partially potty-trained, fully pompous.

Likes: to run around play-fighting, wrestling, and being physically active. Completely self-reliant & independent and will remind you on an hourly basis. Has no problem barking out orders or hatching mischievous plans. He likes to play games, especially ones that he creates such as 'who can hit the hardest'. Loves playing this game with his sister or girls in his school who he finds out are older than him. Has a special affinity for pushing people's buttons, particularly his sister's. Can be cuddly and affectionate, but usually comes with strings attached.

Dislikes: Harmony. Also dislikes taking direction from anybody at any time. He dislikes change and will fight it tooth and nail. Throws impressive tantrums when faced with change. Dislikes not getting his way and will sabotage any subsequent things that come after he realizes he won't get his way. Severe dislike, even almost allergy-like, to playing by himself. Self entertainment is a completely foreign concept.

This unit may or may not rest well at night, and would be best suited in an environment without older or younger siblings. Parental units who enjoy verbal abuse welcomed to bid. *DISCLOSURE* This unit tends to behave well in public and can be polite, it's the home environment that's a doozy.

UNIT 2 - DESCRIPTION
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Female, aged approximately 2 years. Completely unpotty-trained & full-blooded chatterbox.

Likes: Talking. Repeats phrases ad-nauseum, even after acknowledgment. Will yammer on for hours, no batteries needed. Fluent in non-sequitur phrasings. Also likes to completely disobey and test boundaries. Particularly enjoys pissing her brother off and bonking his head with sippy cup. Loves to parrot other people, without understanding what she's saying. Also loves to show her artistic creativity, especially on anything OTHER than generally accepted art mediums.

Dislikes: Silence. Also getting hair brushed.

This unit loves to show affection, and has no problem saying 'I love you' to you, as well as to the inanimate object next to you. She would do particularly well in an environment with other young female child units, or with those who are deaf.

These two units don't mesh well, so will be sold separately. Sale goes to the highest or initial bidder, whichever comes first.

Will ship for free. However due to the economy, packages may arrive separately. Re-assembly is responsibility of new owner.

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Obviously I won't sell my children, as that is illegal. Anyone who is interested in bartering though, please contact me.

How is YOUR week going?

Cool Pictures

The kids found some glow sticks today and we were goofing around with them in Ian's room. I don't know how they'll look with the black background on the black blog....but I'll post them anyway!