My Cryptonite

Not a whole lot of things phase me. Looking back, I've:

Eaten some pretty messed up things, like:
*A hot dog with 'the works' previously chewed up by somebody else.
*2 cans of cat food piled on a slice of homemade bread.
*Allison's cooking.

I've been certified as an EMT for nearly 12 years and have seen some gnarly wounds, performed CPR numerous times (once in a helicopter) and reguarly go to calls to nursing homes. The elderly don't exactly smell like a field of wildflowers, you know.

I've witnessed the birth of my two children, and being a stay-at-home dad for closing in on 5 years now I consider myself a pretty 'seasoned' father.

But this morning...oy veh. I bore witness to something that made my knees buckle. Hell, I didn't even SEE it and it made my head spin.

I don't know what crawled up her ass and died, but Leah's poop this morning seriously made me gag. Yes, I actually gagged. No joke, I couldn't even stay in the room.

Have you ever watched 'Fear Factor'? If you have, you know the scene: The petite woman in the dark cave is about to have something awful happen to her (like monstrous tarantulas crawl all over her face) in order to advance to the next round. She's all nervous, but dons the safety goggles anyway. She's about to do the stunt, but at the last second just breaks down and heads for the hills sobbing: "No! No! Nuh uh! No way! I'm not doing it! I don't care, keep your money! WAAAAAAH"

Yeah, that was SO me. I was that petite woman this morning.

Lady luck was on my side though as it happened before Allison left for work. I actually went upstairs and sent her down to deal with it. That's right! I shirked my parental responsibilities and pawned them off on someone else.

I was upstairs doing my best to not hurl and began wondering if I had over-reacted. This is my daughter after all. Could it be possible I was just being a wuss-bag? I headed for the stairs to go back down there, and BAM! I got smacked in the face with that stench before even REACHING the stairs. Nope, I definitely wasn't being a wuss about the whole thing.

So I retreated back and then headed back down a few minutes later clearing the madness ahead of me with a can of febreeze. Allison claimed she couldn't smell it (she's sick) but said it was definitely grown-up poop that came out of a toddler.

Ugh. If that didn't just make you a little queasy, you are inhuman.

Leah, I love you....I really do. But baby, light a match, will ya?