Perspective

This morning, for some reason or another, Ian woke up in a rotten mood. He was angry at the world, demanded things left and right and was just downright foul. Someone had definitely pissed in his cheerios. I wrote a comment about it on my Facebook page, something about him sneaking out in the middle of the night and going shopping at the Jerk Store.

Thankfully his mood changed and we were able to have a decent morning together while Leah was in school. In that time we went to the grocery store, and while there I saw that a whole entourage of corporate honchos decended upon the store. They walked in and were milling around the front door just waiting for an underling to acknowledge their presence and come greet them. And I'll tell you, the 'underling' that greeted them looked nervous as all hell.

These guys had an air about them that just amazed me. They walked over to the fresh green beans and patted them down, shuffled them and stuck their arm deep into the container. They marveled over the cardboard display of the oranges and how it was a great thing and how it was really sturdy and evolutionary. (dude, it's fucking cardboard!)

Blackberries firmly attached to their hips, these guys were cornering the local workers 3 to 1 and grilling them about......I don't know, grocery store things. I DO know that these employees did NOT look happy that the suits were there.

Apparently the boardroom team broke up into divisions because they dispearsed throughout the store tackling different objectives. As I stated on my Facebook page, I overheard one greasy looking guy on his blackberry in the coffee aisle threatening someone's job. What is so important about Folgers coffee that is worth axing someone?? The hell if I know. Another guy was marching up and down the dairy aisle checking out all the yoplaits, gogurts, chobani and whatever else there was to leer at.

When I was done with my shopping and was out in the parking lot, I asked the 'cart guy' about this whole thing. He didn't know what was up and said that he's never seen that many corporate people there at once.

The purpose of this isn't to pit workers vs. management or paint the local grocery store as the victim. Honestly, I've grown to emphatically not like this particular store, but went there today because their 'kids club' (where you can drop off your kids while you shop) was open whereas the one at the other store I usually go to was closed. As far as I know this store is a health hazard waiting to be exploited, and the management team was there to save the public's health.

What I DO know is that I'm SO thankful I'm not in that world. You know what i did after I left the grocery store? Ian and I killed some time by singing songs in the car and playing games. We picked Leah up from school and came home for lunch before playing football out in the yard while waiting for the bus to bring Ian to school. Granted, it was a very abbreviated version of football since I feel like shit right now, but you get the picture!

After the bus took Ian away to school I brought Leah inside, read a book to her, and tucked her in for a nap. I then made my way downstairs and crashed on the couch for a much needed 2 hour nap myself.

As much as I'll complain or joke about Ian's terrible behavior (okay, to be fair I'll say the 'kids' behavior....but c'mon, how often do I complain about Leah??) I always try to keep in mind what I left behind and how happy I am NOT a part of that anymore.

Nope, my world doesn't suck at all, and for that I am Thankful!

Stupid Habit

I have lots of stupid habits, most of which are non-sensical.

For example, whenever I go food shopping I put the eggs in the front seat. This separates them from the rest of the groceries and keeps anything from falling on them and squishing them on the ride home. In my crazy mind, this is logical.

The flaw of this practice came to light today when a stupid-assed fisher cat ran in front of my car. Trying to avoid creaming the dipshit, I jammed on my brakes. This in turn sent 2 dozen eggs flying into the floorboard of the passenger side of the vehicle.

Fortunately (or not) I went shopping at BJs today, so all the eggs are wrapped together in celophane. I'm guessing that is why I didn't find liquified chicks splattered all over the place. I didn't detect any breakage while carrying them into the house, but I guess I'll find out when I open the package.

I can tell you one thing for certain: The next four legged fuckface to jump in front of my car won't hear tires squealing in an attempt to stop.

Knuckle Patch

What you just thought was my sentiments exactly: WTF is 'knuckle patch'???

Ian and I were playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" this morning and a few minutes into the game he pulled this move: He throws his hand out, turned his palm up, spread his finger apart (bent at the knuckles) and called "knuckle patch".

(dramatic pause, because I know all of you are actually doing the hand gesture to see what I'm describing...go ahead, don't be ashamed. No one is watching).

Ok, now that you have a visual, I exclaimed "What is a knuckle patch????" Ian proceeds to tell me that it is like rock, paper or scissors, but it can beat anything.

Wait, what?

I started to question Ian about this new, fandangled "knuckle patch":

Me: When can you throw a knuckle patch?
Ian: anytime.

Me: You can throw a knuckle patch anytime in the game?
Ian: Yeah, except for the first hand. You can't do it the first time, but anytime after that you can.

Me: And knuckle patch will always beat everything else?
Ian: Yeah.

Me: And nothing can ever beat knuckle patch?
Ian: No dad! (getting all pissy)

Me(all annoyed): So what is the point????

Yes, I actually asked Ian in an annoyed tone of voice what the purpose of a 'knuckle patch' was. *sigh*. I made sure he knew I wasn't annoyed at him, but then we started discussing the stupidity of knuckle patch. C'mon, seriously: Why not just throw knuckle patch every single time? Well, I bet if you had arthritis it would hard to do repeatedly, but I'm assuming that kids playing rock, paper, scissors, knuckle patch don't have joint problems.

Since I had no where to go, I decided to dig a little deeper into this. As it turns out, Ian plays this game on the bus coming home from school and that his friend 'Lucas' taught him this faulty version. I don't know 'Lucas', but someone needs to have a sit down with him and get to the bottom of these shenanigans.

I consider myself to be pretty liberal and I think change can be a great thing, but there are some things that you just don't mess with.

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Okay, now that THAT is out of the way let's talk about the big elephant in the room: Where the hell have you guys been? I've been looking all over for you and couldn't...seem to....find...you..No? Bah, I tried. I know, I know, it's been SOO long since I've blogged. Let's see, what has happened since June?

Oh, I know!:

*We moved!!
*I took an awesome hiking/camping trip with some great friends to the White Mountains in NH (my new favorite place to go!)
*Ian learned how to swim
*Ian started kindergaren
*Ian is learning how to read
*Leah became potty trained (for the most part)
*Leah started preschool
*Leah started a 'creative dance' class
*I accepted a new role at our church (Sunday School Superintendent)
*I am back in school (working on completing prerequisite classes so I can apply to Nursing School)
*and I'm sure there is a bunch of other crap.

So needless to say it has been a crazy and hectic summer/beginning of the school year. I honestly believe that, as an adult, I've never been as busy as I am now.

But you know what? I'll go one step further: I honestly believe that, as an adult, I've never been happier than I am now. Life is just awesome right now: We're in a great home, the kids are...well, they have their moments, but they are at a fun age right now, I'm doing things that I enjoy and am working towards something, Allison didn't high tail it out of here after our 9 year anniversary, you know, lots of good things!

I've been holding off on updating this thing because I was waiting for something funnier than the day at the movie theater. You know what, I could be waiting a long time! Although I particularly enjoy a website that has recently surfaced in the news. It really makes me want to scrap my plans to apply to Nursing School and just be an employee at Wal-Mart. If you haven't done so yet, check out peopleofwalmart.com. Imagine the fodder I'd have people watching there!!!

I'll try to update this more often, I promise.

Dropcorn

We're staying at my in-laws while we're in between houses so the kids and I went down to PA to visit my brother and his family for a few days. It was a good opportunity to change environments for awhile as well as get in a good visit with them.

Anyway, yesterday before we came home Erin (my sister in law) and I took all the kids to see "Up". We got drinks and a big bag of popcorn for everyone to share. Erin sat on one end, I on the other, and the 4 kids in between. Right as the movie was beginning a gaggle of people came in and filed into the row in front of us. It seeemd to be a bunch of 11-ish year old boys and some women.

As the movie starts we keep passing the bag of popcorn around and give each kid a handful on a napkin in their lap..but since it's 4 kids who are 5 or younger, more ends up on the floor than in their mouths.

About halfway through the movie I notice a lot of movement from the row in front of us, in front of Erin. It was a good movie, so I was trying to pay attention to it, but all this movement kept catching the corner of my eye. I look over at Erin (since it was in front of her) and she is trying her hardest to control her laughter. She looks at me and points to the boy sitting in front of her.

So I start watching him and he promptly turns halfway around, reaches back and grabs a handful of popcorn that had fallen on the floor by our kids' feet and begins to eat it! It was really dark in the theater so maybe that's not what happened, I reasoned to myself.

I keep watching the kid and sure as shit he does it again! I looked at Erin who was already looking at me and we both just burst out laughing. It's not like this kid was even trying to make it a covert operation...he was blatently reaching behind him and grabbing this popcorn off the floor. Erin and I tried our hardest to not be loud about our laughter, but we couldn't help it. Fortunately it was a funny movie.

There was only a finite amount of popcorn on the floor, so soon enough the kid had eaten everything within his reach. He kept looking back to see if he had gotten it all, so obviously he was still hungry. I felt bad, so I grabbed a handful of popcorn and tossed it on the floor in front of the kids. Without skipping a beat the kid reached back and swooped it up!! I couldn't control myself, i was laughing so hard. I felt like I was feeding pigeons in the park! I knew it was wrong to play into this, but it was too damn funny.

Seeing this go on gave me mixed feelings of emotions: On the one hand I was happy that we decided to go to that particular showing of that particular movie on that particular day so that I could witness that. But it also made me sad to think of how much other funny stuff is happening out there that I'm NOT seeing.

I can't wait to see what happens when I go to Lowe's later on today!!!

Short, Sweet and ready to kick your ass.

Don't let Leah's looks fool you. This girl is all sweetness and light when she gets her way...but if she doesn't? She is ready to throw down. Her newest fashion accessory is the proof that's in the pudding.



If you don't know what they are, here is a closer picture:



If you STILL don't know what they are, then homie we best not meet up in a dark alley. You roll with your crew on that side of the tracks, and we'll roll like we do here in T'land.

Peace out....and watch your back, 'cause Leah's got a chip on her shoulder and ready to take it out on the next sucka that crosses her.

Cockologist

Well, ladies and gentlemen, Leah has decided what she would like to be. She declared to me yesterday that she wants to be a penis. Yes, that's right, she wants to be a penis. I'm just as flabbergasted as you, if not more. Here is how the conversation went (as I was changing her):

Leah: I want to be a penis!

Me: No honey, you're a girl. Girls don't have a penis.

Leah: No, Daddy. I want to BE a penis.

Me: Uh. Leah, I think you mean that you want to HAVE a penis.

Leah: No, Daddy. I don't want to HAVE a penis, I want to BE a penis.

Me: Let me get this straight: You want to BE a penis? You don't want to HAVE a penis, you want to BE a penis?

Leah: YES DADDY! (she said all sarcastic and annoyed like I was the crazy one) I want to be a penis!!!

Me: Ok, fine. You're a penis. Leah, you are a very, very weird penis.


Way to reach for the stars, honey.


And on a completely unrelated note, this morning I discovered my first gray hairs. Gee I wonder where they came from.

Misleading Title

Thank you Peter Griffin, Mr. Family Guy, for my son's newest favorite phrase. Last week we were getting the kids ready to put pajamas on and Ian runs down the hallway, sees Leah and lets out with enthusiasm "Holy Crap!".

I was flabbergasted, as it wasn't from me. I never say 'crap'. I'll either completely sensor myself with "Holy Toledo!" or not at all and let the full "Holy Shit!" fly, but never a half-assed attempt with "Hoy Crap!". I mean c'mon, that's amateur hour.

I immediately asked Ian where he got it from and he said "Spongebob". I despise that show, so immediately banned it from the house...as I did that, I looked over at Allison who shook her head. Apparently she was in the know as to the source and it wasn't Mr. Squarepants.

She said as I was making dinner she turned on the TV and "Family Guy" was on and within a minute Peter blurted out the phrase. Sweet.

And to think, I had been not allowing Ian to see the show in case one of the chicken fight scenes came on. You know, I didn't want him to be impressionable and pick up any bad habits.

I thought maybe it would have just gone by the wayside, but Ian pulled it out today at the playground. I was pushing both him and Leah on the swings and I really got him swinging high. Picture the moment: The sun was shining, the kids were laughing, the breeze was blowing and apparently the crap was holying. Ian let a out a "WHOA! HOLY CRAP!". Fortunately Little Miss Parrot was in her own little world and didn't hear him. She was too busy repeating to me the fact that her shadow wasn't smiling. Don't ask, I haven't a clue.

In an odd way, I guess it evens out as I learned my new favorite phrase from a 10 year old. I have yet to utilize it, but hearing a kid blurt out to Allison calling her a 'fun-sucker' was one of the funniest things ever. Even if it was in jest, it still gets me laughing. So Karen, make sure you thank your kids for me. That is keeping me entertained 6 weeks later!

Honestly, this "holy crap" thing isn't a big deal. This is PEANUTS compared to the F-bomb deluge we got 2 summers ago. I wrote a blog about that, if you haven't read it (or heard the story before). Just over on the right there, click on 2007 and scroll down to July 3rd. It's called "Duck & Cover".