And coming in at #1....

Edit: Ok, so I'm still trying to figure out how this thing works. My 'intro' blog is right below this one, so you might want to skip this first one now and read the next one first...does that make sense? Wow, what a way to kick this thing off, eh?

I FOUND IT! This is my favorite blog that I wrote. It's from 10/17/06 and deals with an issue I had with a neighbor. Enjoy!

Fasten your seat belts, I'm about to rant. NC-17 Rated.
Current mood: predatory

I'm going to start off with a warning: All children, please avert your eyes and find another blog to read...this aint gonna be pretty. Besides you may see some words here that you may not understand the meaning now, but if repeated will elicit a reaction on your parents faces that you've never seen before. Or if you have a queasy stomach and don't like foul language, move on.

(Well, gee if that isn't a tempting statement for those underage or curious readers I don't know what is! And do you think someone would actually read that and say "okay, maybe I shouldn't keep reading".)

Okay, fuck that. I'm not going to get sidetracked this early. I'm gonna get right down to the nitty gritty right away. What the FUCK is wrong with people? I know that's a broad, generalized question but let me elaborate.

I got Ian down for a nap and go outside to get our mail. What did I encounter? A big, heaping, steaming, gloriously rancid pile of dogshit. Where is this magnificent specimen of canine ka-ka? On my fuckin' front lawn, right next to my fuckin' mailbox. I am so goddammed mad about this, i'm going to repeat that in caps (and then add some cute emoticons to emphasis my rage): ON MY FUCKIN' FRONT LAWN, RIGHT NEXT TO MY FUCKIN MAILBOX.! GGGRRRRRRRR

Okay, so I've found doggy doo-doo on my property before but it was not as blatant as this. For those that haven't been to my (now apparently) dog shit storage unit, we have our front lawn and then we own a little strip of grass off to the side. its about 6' deep and runs maybe 200' long. (Note: Thats just a guess as i'm too pissed off to think clearly.). Anyway, i've seen some there before while mowing the lawn. Gee, and I thought I was mad about that!

But for some reason, since it wasn't in my absolute front yard it didn't bother me so much. Maybe because I believed in the goodness of people and gave them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they thought that it was town property? Afterall, it does seem like no man's land, this little strip between the two properties.

But fuck that shit now. Now I know the real truth. Some freakin Assclown has the audacity to walk around and let their little pooch drop a deuce so fuckin' blatently on other people's property and not clean it up. Let me amend that....judging on the size of this fantastic pile of fecal matter, its no little pooch.

That brings me back to my original question. What the fuck is wrong with people?

I am so determined to find out who this is. And you all that know me....I know I talk a good game, but then will let shit roll off my back when push comes to shove. Not this fuckin' time. I am going to OB-FUCKIN-SESS about this until I find out which fuck-stick of a neighbor the offending crapper is. I swear on all that is liquid and alcoholic, I will ream them a new one once I find out.

How will I find out? I haven't a clue. Well, like I said, deductive reasoning tells me that it wasn't a little dog...so that rules out.....no one. shit. This might be harder than I thought. But I can tell you for sure who it wasn't. There's a guy on my block that has a pitbull. It wasn't him, because last summer he put signs on his front lawn saying "curb your dog". so it has happened to him too!!

Thats another fact that adds to the aggrivation. This knobgobbler has done it before! At least it means that they're not targeting me. But what it DOES mean is that this retarted cocksnacker is too lazy to bring a bag for his goliath when he (or she...lets not discriminate here!) walks it. And its not like they just forgot it just once! This is the 3rd time on my lawn and there's at least one other instance. TRIPLE FUCKING GRRRRRRRRR

Ok, so lets play devils advocate for a minute here. Maybe they were different offenders every time. Maybe every time it WAS someone else who actually happened to forget to bring a pooper scooper or baggie with them. What does it mean to the next person that allows it on my lawn?

Absolutely nothing.

This person is going to be the recipiant of such fury, they're going to need a pooper scooper for themselves. I swear to God I won't even be polite about it. Yeah, they're my neighbors but I don't care...I have realized that I don't need to be friends with everybody in the world. You allow your dog to shit on my yard and you don't clean it up? You deserve the proverbial boot up your ass. I don't want to be friends with you anyway, assmunch.

Okay, so lets take a step back and look at the situation. Someone allowed their horse to shit on my lawn (square on my lawn next to my fuckin' mailbox to boot).

Is it a big deal, i mean, honestly? No.

Will it kill me to take half a roll of paper towels and pick it up and throw it away? No. (and I say half a roll because guess what? It's raining. And dog shit doesn't get firmer and easier to pick up when it gets wet, now does it?)

Do I deal with poop on a daily basis, and doesn't in fact, as the famous book tells us, everybody poop? Yup.

So then why, praytell am I getting so worked up about this? Because some assholic cumdumpster in my neighborhood doesn't respect other people and their property...and this fucktard needs to be dealt with swiftly. And also because I can. I have no life, I have nothing else to do, so I need a little anger in my life. Besides, it makes for great blogging fodder.

So to you, Mr. "Here puppy, shit anywhere you want. It doesn't matter", I tell you this. I will find out who you are. And when I do, I promise I will make you cry. And God forbid not only do I find out WHO you are, but WHERE you LIVE? I'm making a special trip to White Castle just for you.

----Addendum Blog to one above-------

Addendum to rant Meri used a phrase in her comment that reminded me that I forgot to include something in my original rant.

That phrase is "responsible dog owner".

I forgot to say that in no way am I anti-dog, anti-dog owner, or even anti-dog crap. I grew up with dogs and we had dog crap ALL OVER the yard. I don't get all worked up when I go to someone's house now and there is dog crap in their yard. Why? Because they have a dog, it's their property & it just comes with the territory.

I'm all pissy about this because I do NOT have a dog and therefore should NOT have to deal with dog crap in MY yard!

I'm sure that was understood, but I just wanted to put it out there.

And no, no one has pooped on my lawn again yet. But yes, I am watching.