(from 3/1/07) Pennsyltucky: Where Trash is Artistic

This is one of my favorite blogs. A) Because this shit actually happened and B) I spent a LOT of time writing this! Enjoy (again).......

So we just got back from a trip to PA to visit brother Bill, Erin, Paige & Shane. While we were down there, we decided to get a portrait taken of all 4 kids. For those that don't know, Ian and Paige will both turn 3 this year (Ian is 4 months older) and Shane is about 3.5 months older than Leah.

Erin 'warned' us about the woman who worked at this particular department store portrait studio…it wouldn't be fair to identify the place, so we'll call the place A.Z. Benny. And I don't know this woman's name, but we'll call her Jane.

Anyway, Erin said that her red flag identifying factors in figuring out trash (of the white variety) went up when talking to Jane, as she tended to use double negatives and shall we say, less than proper grammar, a lot.

To give you an idea of what I'm talking about "Hi Erin! Ain't little Paigey looking cute today!" And "Ain't nobody brought in a DVD Player here before, that's a good idea…" (wow, my spell-checker is having a field day with this portion of the blog…)

Erin also said that this woman told her that she is an "artist" and that this isn't no (there we go again!) 'point and click place'. Okay, I'm going to change her name. She's no longer Jane, she's now Billie-Jo Sue.

I'll point out 3 things here:
A) I agree with Erin's red-flag standards…you talk like that, you are trash. I'm sorry if some of yous unedumacated folk don't not disagree wit me.
B) This woman is not indicative of where they live. It's a great, rural area with a good school system.
C) If Erin is ever telling you a story or describing someone, dude, she's not exaggerating!

Let me preface the following by saying that I was feeling not-so-fresh at this point during the trip. I began feeling a little ill a few days previous, but it had subsided and was now coming back with a vengeance and I was somewhat miserable. I'm pretty sure I was lucid enough to remember how things went down, but it was pretty bizarre, so it maybe wasn't real! I may be wrong in describing the order of when things unfolded (You'll have to ask Erin or Allison) but it's pretty accurate…anyway so we get to A.Z. Benny and Billie-Jo Sue is all over the place.

There was another woman who brought her two young sons in to be photographed, so we set up the movie, gave the kids some snacks, and I left to try to find a place that sold Pepto.
Just as I got back, Billie-Jo Sue (who, from here on out, will be calld BJS) was finishing up with the other people and our kids were beginning to get restless. BJS was showing the mom the pictures she took on a computer screen and with each shot said something like "oh, that's the one!", "I love their expressions there" or "that's a keeper, don't you think?" Okay, so she uses no-nonsense, unveiled, hard sell tactics…I get it. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt (as tacky as it was).

So BJS finally gets to our kids and starts setting up the studio for pictures of just Shane, which Erin requested. BJS was offering all these springy pastel backdrops and ornate costumes for Shane, but Erin wanted something simple: Black background & Shane on his tummy (he pushes himself up).

The other woman was trying to pick her pictures, so to help keep her kids occupied we offered to leave the movie going (so they could watch and she could choose in peace) and her kids took to that like flies on….honey. She really appreciated it too, because her kids were starting to act like ours…restless.

So BJS, the "arteest", starts taking pictures and trying all sorts of different things and camera angles etc. the older kids started really getting restless and wanted to 'help' try to get Shane's attention and make him smile, so they started in on calling his name. Well you would think that Ian dropped his Buzz diaper and squeezed out a poop on her credentials. BJS let us know that there was too much stimulation in this room and that all the noise was confusing Shane.
So we gave the kids some of the prop seats that they use so they could sit, have a snack and watch BJS work her magic. Well I'll be damned if it was distracting to BJS. She snapped that the kids were too close and that "I'm going to step on one of them, and I will because my focus is on Shane and ONLY on Shane".

For all those who have never been to a place like this, it's not like the photographer can walk 360 degrees around the person/people being photographed. The camera is affixed to a mount. The camera goes up and down and side to side, maybe 18". So, BJS, stop your goddamn tapdancing and push that little fuckin button to snap the picture.

After Shane had enough, we decided to set up the studio for the group shot. At this point the other lady was ready to pay, so BJS went out to take her payment and gush over her own work that she had created.

I was holding Leah, so I kept walking around to keep her happy and I was out in the waiting area (where the other kids were watching the DVD and the mom was paying BJS for her God-given talent). I don't know how it came up, but I swear, BJS said (and I quote!) "Sometimes I just get an idea in my head and think, Wow! That would make a great picture!" I really don't know how I stopped myself from pissing in my pants…that was too damn funny.

So BJS graces us with her presence in the studio again and begin discussing how we're going to get all four kids in the picture. She tells us that it can't be done, and that she could do the 3 older kids this way…whoa, wait a minute. Erin stops her in her tracks and says that we want all 4 kids, and that's the reason why we're here.

BJS thinks for a moment, apparently going through her databank of photography knowledge and comes up with 'the choo-choo train' pose (her phrase, not mine) and explains how it's a classic and blah-blah-blah. She wanted Ian to sit in the back, with Paige between his legs, then Shane between Paige's, and then Leah in front of Shane.

Dude. Shane can't sit up yet, but I get that Paige can maybe help him. What the fuck is going to prop Leah up? Shane? Once we point this out to genius, she just says that it's a classic position, and that it works great with older kids. Gee, let me think. Oh yeah, WE DON'T HAVE OLDER KIDS, YOU FUCKING TWIT! She says flat out that she can't take a good picture with the 4 younger kids.

So Erin suggests putting Leah in a bassinet and having the other kids surround it. BJS's reaction? "Oh yeah, that'll work. Wait, I'm getting it in my head now…" and then she starts setting it up. That friggin' hick thought it was her subconscience giving her the suggestion.
By this point it was about 5:45 and everyone was getting tired of being there. The kids were restless, I wasn't feeling well and the comic relief of this woman was beginning to wear thin.
So she took a few snapshots and of course she was barking orders to the kids and saying things like "Shane isn't smiling!" or "The baby is looking the other way". Never mind the fact that Paige and Ian (you know, the 2 kids whose facial expressions that we could somewhat direct) were both looking into the camera and making some somewhat of a smile.

So she took a few more and it was clear that Paige and Ian didn't want to be there anymore so they started fidgeting about and trying to get off. Well, BJS demanded "stop moving! Put your chin down! I can't see your face!" Before I knew what happened, "They're fucking two!" came out of my mouth.

So I stepped out of the room for a minute to calm down, came back and things weren't much better. After a few more clicks there was a pause. I don't know if she was finished or not, but I said "We're done", and about 3 seconds later BJS added "Okay, I think we're all done here"…yeah, good idea, snaggletooth.

I took Leah and walked around the waiting area. The girls picked out the shot that we were going to keep and Shane's picture. Of course little Miss Japanese Tourist had to give her input as to which were the good ones, and then went into why. I think Ian is the only other person I've ever heard who LOVES to hear themselves talk that much. But unlike her, Ian recognizes it and says "Maybe Ian's being chatty!"

And aint this a bitch…I don't know who, what, where, when or why, but after all that, curse slippage and all, BJS ended up giving us all the pictures of the kids (we ordered 22 copies of one pose) for FREE.

So of course now I have to give a plug: If you're ever in Pennsyltucky, go see JBS at A.Z. Benny.

By the way, I can't take credit for the term Pennsyltucky. I heard it a few years ago and laughed my ass off when I did. It really bugs Erin, but it oh-so-fits in this case...I did however apologize to her as we left their house. As this is probably the only time in my life that I'll get to use that term in a fashion that fits.